Saturday, September 30, 2006
12:57 am
Think more quickly.
Act more quickly.
React more quickly.
My recovery time has to speed up. Hopefully in the most genuine manner possible too.
The glamorous and alluring snares that all the world's men struggle to get out of:-
1) Lust of the eyes- money.
2) Lust of the flesh- sex.
3) Pride of life- fame.
Mooncake Festival's coming up; and the announcement personnel's stepping up. A thought-eliciting longtimenosee...
doodled
XD
Thursday, September 28, 2006
5:04 pm
So hazy....on top of that, I've got...
1) en bloc sale ambiguity blues;
2) stressed up with studying (or lack thereof) blues;
3) loss of David Tao's lyrics booklet blues;
4) keep going out with friends and always not at home blues;
5) keep spending money (ktv and birthday celebrations) blues;
6) keep sending friends off at the airport blues;
And friends that become distant over the years aren't treasured as much, until the time they're about to finally fly off... All because of us continually procrastinating our intentions to spend time together with them when they're still around...sobs. How much more should we give our family priority over our friends in time and in energy!
"If I lay here-
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
Forget what we're told,
Before we get too old,
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
All that I am,
All that I ever was,
Is here in your perfect eyes-
They're all I can see.
I don't know where;
Confused about how as well.
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all."
-Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars
doodled
XD
I'd kill for those smooth R&B vocals!!~ Told you Hady Mirza would win, yay!~!!!!
I'm on this rememberingeverything spree: no one can stop me snowballing myself in circlessss......
God again now thrusts His unmistakable, unrelenting standards in your face- what then are you left with to fight it?
My mind's inactive because I'm seh; it didn't feel like I'm actually sitting in a bible study class listening to the lesson. It was a resistance to adapt. But overall, it's really been "The More Than You Think There Is To Life Study"; spanning ten consecutive charming weeks.
No, I'm no Samson, but I destroyed both a lizard and a cockroach in the same toilet one after another this night. No jawbone needed- only Baygon and lots of it..
Had the privilege of ending off my already eventful day(te) today with a wondrous dinner treat from Mr. 21st Birthday Boy!...and surprises just keep springing up for him for the rest of the night..and also throughout the entire week!! If only I could turn back the hands of my clock...hmm..
And although I missed the very happening chalet, I got over the guilt. Because I've made to myself a stern warning once before to not ever get jammed up by condemnation- either from the devil, from myself or from the world. Let's see how long this strength stays...
Those three words said too much; I'm left with just enough.
To get us soaring..!!
doodled
XD
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
1:48 am
The vitagen and the honey stick..
The zoomy photographs, the fighting couple and the weird bell..
The shirt that was not ironed that did not bother me much..
The lame fair-exchange system..
The life driven by revelation..
The money-generating urges..
What betrayal. What betrayal? Hehe..
Can't wait for the day-long date later on today...not sleeping!!~
The sashaying and the gyrating on the dancefloor,
The strut and the gait and the romp on the street.
The tender tilts and the gentle gestures,
The soft features and the svelte curves.
The sultry stance and the alluring aura,
The gruff voice.
He moves like a lady.
doodled
XD
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
4:02 am
This blood rush that I have to my head, or from it- or whatever feeling it's called whenever I'm recovering from any strenuous or engrossing activity and moving on...it's real hard to shift my focus to the next piece of task that demands my attention and prowess. And then I know how much more I need to brush up on my multi-tasking.
Now, I've become less prone to putting up vehement and competitive arguments with intentions of conquering all who stand in my way in any fiery debate. Perhaps I've seen the need to know exactly where I stand. Maybe you've caused that change. Smiles.
Me and my big mouth- I've gotta keep this wilful and impulsive organ in check, otherwise I'm gonna keep getting myself into unwanted quagmires.
But he's unconditional. And there's been a growing attraction (fused with remnants of a bad past).
Sentosa;
LAN;
Kbox.
Hey, Mr. Packed.
Look at all those winged notes!! But they've gone to good use!!(??) And who's to say it's all good spending? Me, while I splurge and self-console; or the receiving parties (me included) who truly experience satisfaction value?
And I realize I'm open and accepting to people with anomalous sexual tendencies...I really don't have the capacity to despise or condemn them. But that don't mean I tolerate the proximity and intimacy!
It's time I stamp out any form of owing. My bank for instance. That has indeed been a tragic depletion of finances there. I'll start with settling that.
Our 'old place' makes me start to wander off into reminiscence. And it's a dreamlike realm, I tell you. Where you miss everything and want to relive all that you've once let go. I miss the niceties of speech; I miss the carefree childhood; I miss the misty memories....
At times, I just can't feel. It's not a wrong thing per se; but it kind of causes me to stagnate in a void I've created on my own, liking to be bound by illusory shackles. And when the reverse happens- when I cannot ask for greater warmth and fuzz....I relish the joy and bask in all its goodness and then I forget to come down to earth.
2 things primarily:-
a) I have been repressing me. And... it had to take me till now to admit and acknowledge that!
b) There's really strength in vulnerability- how else can you be lifted up if you ain't down first?
But if I react quick- based on His accord, I'd realize that He's always been saving. Whatever am I lamenting and mourning about then?
Like I said, I've gotta react faster when I think, speak and act. Sometimes it only applies to one of the 3 but the decision still takes root (of course not foregoing effectiveness and propriety)...
Moreover I can't help it if I have made certain impression stains already..tomorrow I can learn to make up/move along- fly away from worries, and the like.
doodled
XD
Thursday, September 21, 2006
10:57 pm
The Thai political tempest has had profound effects. Namely being a killjoy to my/our future Samui plans!
Waking up so late was uncalled for but... I was watching Oprah Winfrey: America's Debt Diet, and I must say I was pretty inspired. Yet again, it's another one of those supernaturally timed, personally relatable reminders.
SI: I want Hady Mirza to win not only to repeat something racially prophetic, but also because he's so vocally arresting.
Criss Angel Mindfreak was a rerun, but nevertheless an entertaining treat too. Not to mention educational.
My Dear's become my prized possession. Even more so ever since I changed my handphone wallpaper- every time I look at her pout, my heart melts and wants to fly toward her. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you. Samui for honeymoon instead? And let me play among the stars...
When my mum left for Genting this morning, I had been feeling like I'm in a foreign land the entire day...depending on myself, self-sufficient and all. Groceries, food, chores- all settled at my own time and target. My home can't get any smaller than this.. Shrunken to the max.
What's happened to Tension? And Backstreet Boys? The whole boyband era I so sorely miss. Or perhaps I'm just in my ol' reminiscent frame of mind. Fly me to the moon. And back.
(Push-ups have hurt. Till now. Looks like I'll have to take the rest for some more days before I take off again on this arduous yet worthwhile regime.)
doodled
XD
It's like I'm shut off from this particular domain- what you starve will atrophy; what you feed will thrive.
This circle I've gotta break out of; but content in it I've always been.
Joy accomplishes what grace establishes.
Truth pervades my space.
My, my. Convoluted EQ make-up there. But don't we all struggle our asses off one way or another in that aspect?
doodled
XD
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
10:42 pm
Last night I bumped into Vincent Ng at Beer Garden.
And I keep being ridden with contentious issues.
Tonight I'm testophobic. But it's all passivity toward it.
doodled
XD
Monday, September 18, 2006
10:53 pm
Sat- The heart wants what it wants. And I'm dealing with some midday laziness. I've made a promise to Him; now is the time for righteousness. But I still can't help but put the obedience issue through some serious scrutiny. WHY MUST I LISTEN??!!
For now, everything's starting to turn beautiful; even the simplest pleasures catches my eye, and I'm appreciating the existence of every single day and all it can offer. I almost don't take to offence at all, and I'm overjoyed with each extra step I take.
And now I'm also trying to be organized and prepared way before I set off every time- every night before I go out the next day, I make it a point to pack the things I need to bring along. But that sure doesn't help me being sofa-ed almost every night, even more than half the week, every week.
Sun- My tiredness is definitely not an excuse; but it felt like I was under a trance, with no access whatsoever to my thoughts and intentions. Scary! A gulf between my will and my mind....struggling to stay focused. The spirit simply lost the fight because of the blockage..
We all find new forces to purposefully move us along from time to time. Any prevalent motivations we live by must be of the right spirit, unpopular and unattractive as they sometimes might be. So the question begs: is it enough then for our motivating forces to just help get us to places and attain our aims, even if they get unscrupulous (but convenient)? A tug-of-war between thinking too much; and even lifting a finger to act- ensues on the inside of me.
I always ask, don't people's enthusiasm ever run dry? Here I am ravaged, trapped and wearied by my insignificant thoughts and trivial emotions thinking that there's no point hoping for a better day tomorrow; while other high-achievers out there who have to juggle many more responsibilities and commitments all at once can still manage an uplifting attitude and an energetic gait?!!
I want to see in myself renewed attitudes each morning, every day of my life. Refreshed inspiration; strengthened dreams.
Mon- I start to understand my work ethic and style. I practice 'stress preference', because I know I like to leisurely read about interesting sciences and studies, and get myself immersed in the realm of novels and plays; BUT I don't fancy studying these for tests and exams. The friendly creatures of the readings and the gentle caricatures of the texts suddenly all morph into beasts and demons breathing down my neck!
The weapons: confidence, discipline and diligence.
The mission: develop these qualities through the deliberate forcing out of good habits.
I know I need not fret- I perform better that way. I know I also have to sidestep any priority-competitors.
(David Tao rules!!~ Jay Chou alsoooo... and SHE'S STRONGER THAN ME, I'll admit.)
doodled
XD
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
11:08 pm
Desiring to be sucked out of this traphole's hold. And that traphole. And that. And that. And that.. Haaa. I really can't- on my own.
Suffering from restless and unsteadfast fascinations. What's my true niche? What was that about my destiny shining? Worry till 12!
School- I'm no longer enjoying it but stressing up about it. Always unprepared and still doing a little less than the bare minimum. Freaking me out.
What do I make of this thing called chauvinistic chivalry? That's like the most concise construct of my capricious cast.
doodled
XD
Oh my, my blog's very own first anniversary. Momentous and defining!!~ And a day after the 911 attacks too...?
Yet....
It was a wasted...albeit enriching day!
I slept more than half the day away, but managed to squeeze in some fun into what remained of the day. I had a laidback and carefree "seabreeze picnic dinner on a newspaper"- at my sis's new den, with herself and her hubby. It totally got me back to down-to-earth, simplistic and appreciative living.
Which, in turn reminds me of my home- it's getting emptier. But it's also a cause for greater cherishing and honouring! Wow.
(I've been stretching my moral threshold beyond its capacity- I don't know how much longer it can hold out....)
doodled
XD
Monday, September 11, 2006
1:55 am
I tend to use words loosely, so please pardon how sometimes I don't say what I mean. Or mean what I say. My lack of attention to watch the connotation and intonation of my words vex both others and myself alike. Also the source of many misunderstandings and quarrels. Unpleasant, yet habitual. But in the end, constructive remedies always prevail, but seldom am I the reason!
I'm victimized under the tortoise-and-hare principle: you stay closer to an appointment venue= you get complacent and leave at a later time....AND you reach later than those who live farther away.
I also am held captive and am manipulated by an influx of thoughts all the time.
This is one:-
And with an objective-approach mechanism fitted to the ear, every negative intonation attached to others' words that can potentially trigger off fights- will all be filtered out, and so we become slow to anger. "Hear the heart, not just the words.."
So I've still got to speak clearer, and plan better. An imperative command.
Really simple syndication. Someone tell me what's that.
Admiration only for my good ol' pops. Sacrificial provision. Compels me to give some quality payback.
This joy today has flowed through my veins. Bonus quality in parties? I've seen how others have all jumped on the bandwagon and that feels warm on the inside of me. But drifting away irks me so bad. Like every reunion is another redevelopment of all familiarity from square one again.
When I can't let go, I know my ego is protesting for justification. Confess!...till liberated.
My lack of sleep gets me helplessly distracted in the midst of me solemnly concentrating.
Sigh, what to do... I'm still wriggling free from thoughts that choke my will from flexing its muscles.
When you sometimes catch me shooting off my mouth, all impromptu and non-stop, I'm speaking from the depths of my being...and it's beautifully heartfelt. Bursting with supernatural articulation and truth. Just like a farewell thankyou; a death request; a 21st birthday speech. This side of me- light years away from who I'm always like. But I desperately aspire to be like this all the time. Consciously.
doodled
XD
Sunday, September 10, 2006
3:49 am
I learnt today that it is always easier to believe we've lost. But the truth is that we're just defeating ourselves by opening up to deception. Oh well, all hail reminders! Also, the soulish, fleshly realm are really spirit blockages. It's true- I don't know what I really (truly; from the spirit) wanna say to God right this instant, even if I planned a list, or even if I'm all psyched up and prepared for it. I guess only then does our spirit commune with God..nothing else.
I learnt today how to give and more importantly, receive love freely. It is such a must.
Treasure and cherish those who are close like they are going to leave (so sad- the ex-boss); and of course those who are leaving. Demonstrate that urgency with relentless zeal, and keep that sustained for good. For if it's not cheesy and out of character for at least one time, it'll forever stump and shut you up. And use truth+tact like a Sandwich, cos some will surely shun.
The Renewal Of Love Day= conscious efforts to make every day the first day. Choice it!
Honey, honey... Cheery!!~
Talk nicely.
doodled
XD
Saturday, September 09, 2006
1:40 am
When have I last treated my God as friend to me?!! I can't, and won't chiong through the stages of the relationship-progression. If reestablishing is needed, I will do just that; and whatever it takes to climb up the rungs once more. The goal of refreshing and fulfilling fellowship is the dynamo.
And that takes genuine learning. I'm turning toward that rapidly!
On a lighter note....
I seem to thrive by a lack of structure! Hence the modules I've chosen to take up over this semester are mostly free from form; devoid of any kind of externally impressed work pressure or a tangibly concrete work load.
Or maybe it's just the deep-ridden culture of independent self-reliance that this faculty operates in. Or maybe it's just because it's FASS and not Engineering or Science. Or maybe it's just the study pace of my 3-day week I'm always bragging about. Or maybe it's just my lack of self-motivation to FIND what needs to be done. It's me, really. My passive, lazy self taking over.
But for lack of structure, sorry I digressed, I just love it when debates and arguments do not see resolutions or closures- and are left hanging, open for more unright-unwrong comments; an OTOT target board where the bull's eye is anywhere you deem fit. Why define and appraise and dissect and aim for value-addedness all the time? The beauty is in churning out more and more angles of approach and transcending space and time, and defying sense and logic. Why ask 'why' then, when there's going to be another 'why' that follows the first answer derived? Who even decides whether your opinion is truth?
Kudos to Philosophy classes.
Oh my, that switch was sinister.
But God, I really want my will refortified.
Do You love holiness because it's good; or is it good because You love it?
The audacity of it all! Every week, a new excuse. Every week, the mercury rises. How long more do we have to wait?!!
doodled
XD
Friday, September 08, 2006
5:33 am
My heavy flow- it prevents me from bending over.
(My severe runny nose keeps getting mucus all over my clothes and stationery)
AND IT GETS ME CHEESED OFF.
The sneezing and the runny nose (from a dust allergy due to a weak immune system due to a lack of sleep); the coughing and the raspy voice (from a sore throat due to a low resistance to oily and heaty foods due to a lack of sleep); the stomach upset (from a vulnerability to spicy food due to a lack of sleep); and my heavy head, aching trunk and limbs (due to a lack of sleep) have all enjoyed their stay within me.
So... I have been sleeping the day away, and taken some medication; keeping to mild, soupy foods and hot drinks. Energy's bouncing on the inside of me now! But is this going to aggravate my current condition? "Sleep is not stored in a bank," and yes, however, sleeplessness sure is.
Forgetting is easy. But who said life was easy?
And this ain't livin' like me. So I remember...but effectively, appropriately and pertinently!!
And I've been taught to FEEL.
doodled
XD
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
12:50 am
I'M ON MY OWN. I just stumbled upon this haystack. And I hate to brave a fierce torrent.
But look! God is back. Phew. There is a reason for everything. You are, therefore I am. If you want, then I will- long term benefits.
Seeds of misappropriated nonchalance and insensitive absent-mindedness are embedded in the recesses of my soul. I need more conditioning. Positive confession! Influential company! Argh. See, I'm losing the use of my tender gentleness; and my control of mindful precision is maimed.
It's sad- everyone's got their own path to walk on in the end. It all starts out as a clearing where all lives intersect and everyone interacts. The sharing ends at each of life's sporadic exits and the participants take their leave, splitting up. But truncate all you want, if you want. The remerging tastes pointless. This is a scrutiny of why we walk the direction we do. A divine compass?
Oh and I have to really invest in some clarity... In my speech and behaviour. It irks big time..to always be that lesser half.
With task-oriented tenacity, I bore through an unfeeling tessellation of faces.
doodled
XD
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
3:07 am
It's funny how the very day itself loses its original flavour and intensity, now looking at it on hindsight. But it was truly screwy la. Dull planning and myopic defences.
It's just like either old wine in new wineskins or new wine in old wineskins, both seem to make sense in their own right- I'm moving forward and I want to move forward and I can't stop moving forward and it seems like I'm moving forward; yet I'm still just running on a treadmill with the scenery all around me..moving on a conveyor belt. I'm building strength and stamina though!
I've formulated a 12 am theory for myself- whether or not I like it, conflicts are to be resolved before 12am each day; and personal cares and struggles have to either reach a closure, otherwise they are to be discarded as rubbish...ALL done before my 24 hours per day is up. This way, I inject the motivation needed to summon and maximize all the joy in life I can feast upon.
This is just one of my many self-devised and prototypic ''moving-on forms of relief'' regimes.
doodled
XD
Monday, September 04, 2006
12:16 am
The six coins each from Redang and Bangkok. 50 sen and 11 baht respectively.
The 260806; 0948; $7.21.
Christina Aguilera's euphemism- "Oh Mother, Have Mercy On Me. When I'm Without You, it Makes Me Wanna Pray."
God, Your word speaks louder than this world. It just has to. It just does.
My will is weak but my spirit is willing. Almost paradoxical! I'm a male, that's why. But I shan't abuse my biological make-up as a convenient excuse.
All I've said...is the information imparted from an advanced source that is travelling back in time right now- in a not so magical way...
My fatigue level makes me all featherweight. Especially in the head..and all its aches.
I wish I would not see any of my dynamism waning (it doesn't have to at all).
I know my identity is not the least bit weakened (I'm setting into my mould).
I have got to pick up quick after any ego trips (my clarity keeps me in focus).
doodled
XD
Saturday, September 02, 2006
2:00 am
The shame of it all. This lifestyle of depravity. But no one distant remembers this disgrace, nor do they even remember the compulsory biodata, or bother to do the timely update-exchange.
My right to The Union is not yet granted, granted. But this searing need...God is good- but distant to me now...
These stages of relationships- how we always flippantly skip through some and audaciously welcome ourselves indiscriminately. And unconsciously too.
Learned about the dethroning of Pluto as a planet. And now, there's the uncanny occurrence of both Earth's moon and Mars appearing in the night sky as twin moons?!
As David Tao put it (something I cannot put across as a sound enough argument), you're just too beautiful. Smiles.
BEP and PM Lee's collaboration REALLY HAS A NICE RING TO IT. Wahahahaha..
The whole feeling of rejection and low self-worth is really just a pack of lies from disruptive forces. Its presence sometimes spurs me on to tilt more toward proactive optimism.
Ahhhh..still love the old phone. Or rather I miss it. I love my new one better. But what's up with the rising need for new toys? I'm still easing myself into fully utilizing all of my new K800i's fascinating functions and features. Not to mention adapting to the different keypad-interface directive structure.
My new msn nicks always serve to reveal my sudden awareness of stale epiphanies, and nothing more. If only there were one all-encompassing, age-proof identity that sets me beaconing away..
What to do- girls are naturally more critical so their appraisal criteria of EVERYTHING is also much more stringent and elaborate. People's good looks; fashion; food; the arts. Almost nothing escapes their top-notch sieve. Evaluations are largely reliable. Or so says this girl from my OG...
But I do know one thing for sure about the fairer sex.. that their will power is definitely more stable and abiding then us guys. Just somehow, in some way..a biological or psychological make-up about them?
Then there are some who say reality is a tragic place. They are those who hate trying --> failing. Or even the handful who also avoid trying --> succeeding. I'm going to be the third kind- lazy and idle to exit fantasy bubbles...
Are there contradictions here? -->
1) "There is no one truth."
2) 'Surd': meaning both the apparent opposite of 'absurd'; and being an irrational number also.
Haha!
I'm pushing that my Philosophy module= sleep? What's the Premise and the Conclusion here? Divinity= an engineering problem? My shtick is to dissect that ostensibly myopic bigotry.. plus with GOD IS NOW HERE and GOD IS NOWHERE and all that perspective jazz that's cramming our brains all our days and all our lives, the secular necessity to delve into Philosophy and the perpetual debate on the gods and their exclusivity- just co-exists so much with my own beliefs I hope nothing dear erodes.
Perspectives shall not suffice as a fluid truth. Truth: stating that which is, is; and that which is not, is not...is The Immutable Rock. No one's gonna hurt from my general interest in making claims and arguments about Philosophy within the context of my academia, right? As my dad put it so subtly and intricately but full of fervour and conviction, "God helps those who make an effort to help themselves."
This tummy discomfort- a cautionary reminder of my irresponsible eating habits?
The world's taken for granted the significance of pre-planned appointments; they're now all agreeable with sudden changes, equipped with contingency plans awaiting a flashy brandishing. If only it was easy to predict last-minute cock-ups. This unpredictability has become such a trend it's like second nature to us. Conveniently pangseh someone then go do something else you value more. Or get pangsehed, then matter-of-factly go find something else to do instead. I'm old-fashioned? I behave like this too!
I hate having to deal with memories that are forever lost- either through my slothful forgetfulness and/or engrossing indulgences...I then console myself that the loss is all meant to be! Mementos from meaningful and memorable events; or time capsules like this blog of mine thus mean so much to me. I don't mind having to clear accumulated backlogs of all my accounts of old.
My second semester will unfurl soon... By then I aspire to be a better manager of my time and finances. And the then chick will learn to find food for itself more and more.
But for now, my mum has been faithful and angelic all along...I'm grateful beyond what writing alone can do justice to convey. But I'm sure it's all just on a while-stocks-last basis.
If there's only one point in history I'm feeling a particular way, I don't mind that sensory excitement! Ok, but the urge for joining is like the life-defining wrong choice to make. Oh, please help me find more motivational deterrents..
(My existential sutures are giving way. To rawer, more fragile ones.)
doodled
XD