Sunday, October 30, 2005
12:28 am
I'm up for it. And there are no second chances, strictly speaking. Pride's a major obstacle. Larger people have greater falls. What's mine to them?
I can believe in my heart what my mind cannot conceive. I don't have to waste my time on people unwilling to be with me again tomorrow.
I'm better in my body now than ever before. My consequences need not subjugate my drive to relentlessly pursue joy.
What true joy comprises of is that which is invisible; that which takes shape only in Eternity. People sense my ecstasy and are infected.
doodled
XD
Friday, October 28, 2005
6:30 pm
I've learnt that a good intention alone is how the world justifies a bad act.
Good intentions aren't enough.
I've learnt that happiness and emptiness can co-exist.
Ever heard of ecstatic fogginess?
I've learnt that love is the one force that transcends all rationale.
It flows through our beings and we are reborn.
I've learnt that someone hungry for love will resort to ANY form.
Bad love is better than no love.
I've learnt that you can create your own reality.
That no one can deprive you of your joy.
I've learnt that our bodies are just mere shells.
But we ought to take ownership.
And I'm ill.
doodled
XD
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
10:14 pm
"Stop reflecting so much. You'll only find emptiness at the end of it all."
doodled
XD
Sunday, October 23, 2005
3:03 am
The disillusionment wore off with the realisation that things have always been looking up for me. All this while. All i had to do was to tap into that Source.
Perhaps melancholy and poignance and a demoralised spirit are what keeps the Great Balance, well.. balanced. It makes it whole. Contributes to its perfection. A remarkable equation that is beautiful and worthy of all rejoicing. Epiphanies come and go all the time, and the simplistic Xinkang puts it in no better way as he recites with sheer conviction and resignation, "Life is full of ups and downs". It's just so inspiring. It's of little pertinence though, but that's how it's ironic. Simplify everything. Complicate things and you'll be overflowing with undesirable emotions. Uncontrollable.
Music helps too. AND service today was on tapping into that age-old Source of strength. We all need to acknowledge that we're in dire need of it. It's ready-made and delicious, kinda like instant noodles. Just that a little cooking effort is involved.
Indiscriminate expenditure will be avoided. Late nights will have to go. Procrastination is on a steady decline. Proactive acts of boldness which are rooted in love must gradually be accustomed to. Frequent smiling and verbal pleasantries come next. Not going to be governed by emotions or circumstances all the time. Hope and joy always, to the end.
Aphorisms help. But it's 0345 hrs on a Sunday, now. And i'm going to do up the tagboard some other time. Hah.
doodled
XD
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
10:34 pm
It's just one of those days where i'm just feeling naughty and bad and shut out from all ethicality. Letting me hair down and defying all conventions. Good thing i've got you. Grr.. Oh i'm worth around $1.5 million plus from here. How uplifting yeah.
Someone comes by and fills your sleepy afternoon with a maximum dose of awkwardness. Whooshed you off your groggy disposition with an unfamiliar feeling overall (like abruptly and earnestly moving forward yet knowing there's a vague foreboding of a bleak and lacking end). Then cashflow headaches come invading. Then one more person wants to meet you later on but you're caught in two minds between winged notes and a nice nap back at home in a stormy, comfy climate. Then another, in the evening pours out his lanky milky goo of blabberings albeit grave problems into your cup of kindness, no slower than you can say "I'm confused too," and then you screw it all up with the finale: playing the game with Under one more time. One more breathless, guilty time.
Oh, there are some things i don't say. It's public here, by the way.
It's all in the mind and within my power to change it so it serves my purpose. But the joy of fasting for Muslims makes me feel even more enslaved. All in perfect time, it seems. Ahh. Righteouness and obligation ring together synonymously. But at my core there's always a True North: and even Jay Chou treats it as an escape for solace; but all i'm doing is just weaving through my labyrinthine circle.
Think it's the shot of blood to the head yesterday that's sculpting me up to another surreal, quickflashing phase. Multi-faceted effects. Somewhat.. wringing the vitality out of me. Again. And i'm running late for work, now.
I should see myself getting sold.
doodled
XD
It was like a searing slice through the cranium. Techniques. I need workable techniques to guide me through keeping fit. I don't know man. What comes close to describing the sensation of forcibly entrenching a bullet in the brain, except that it was really just an abrupt surge of blood through constricted vessels (kinda like brainfreeze + two bricks to the head)? Which was in turn caused by an over-enthusiastic attempt at stretching the body's physical limits by doing just that ONE more rep of dips. Chilling close encounter with going googoogaga for good.
That aside, all went well for the talkinglaughingwatchingwalking night. Deuce's such a kind soul it's a pity his face failed him.
And yes, tagboards should work. "I'm beautiful, whether comments go up or not.."
Yes. Shenis? Haa. Feminist noun.
doodled
XD
Monday, October 17, 2005
10:37 pm
Another unsuccessful attempt today, at regarding Pseudo and Under as minions defeated long ago in the distant past, i'm taking it as writer's block. Now i mean.
Oh well, cheesy lines really do guzzle up the will to think simple, doesn't it. There's always the thirst in humans to delve in deep: reading beyond the superficialities; analysing; probing. The insides don't wanna come out man. Accept that.
Sometimes exists as space; while Everytime and None at all, solid matter - all the time.
doodled
XD
Saturday, October 15, 2005
1:41 am
KTV. THE gift to all who bottle up emotions. And their repressed alter-ego. Also, an outlet for all who lust after fame and the outpouring of talent to a beady-eyed audience. ALL ARE WELCOME! ALL ARE WELCOME!
Take later, for example. The ktv session is just another unspoken cover-up for a private display of stage presence and vocal prowess for some. A serious and perfectionistic attitude that numbs up the already cold room. Awe and amazement in the eyes and mouths of others. And the next better singer takes over afterward.
And for others, it's a great time of deliberate slip-ups and accompanying guffaws, to crystallize the camaraderie. Light and liberal atmosphere. No one's feigning professionalism and behaving like a well-chiselled celebrity. Down-to-earth and skin-clad.
Both go off enjoying their ktv sessions feeling fulfilled, yet the gross asymmetry lies in why some people have more hair than others. Go figure.
The five people you meet in heaven are captivating.
doodled
XD
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
10:36 pm
Should I get a tagboard too?
I'm perplexed by my inferiority complex regarding this blogggg.
doodled
XD
I did it! I slept at 6am, and got up at 6pm, with a couple of short buffer periods of consciousness in between that is (to the toilet, to the aloof handphone). Somehow it felt a little sinful because i was supposed to go to the club with Wei to swim, tan and go to the gym. And at night, dinner with Russ. But oh well, staying at home all day, sometimes, might prove to be good exposure..
TO WHAT, EXACTLY? Okay, okay. This Off day was wasted alright. Sai..
Oh my, yes. And all the real nice guys in this world are very usually the most misunderstood. And misrepresented. Fact of life.
doodled
XD
Hey hi, aching joints and muscles.
Shall stop all this serious talk and get down to some humour. Hoho wait, can't seem to be able to do that with an unresponsive inanimate squarehead. ARGH.. I tried.
And yes, i'm finally so,so?so!so PROUD of the finishing touches {decided i'd keep this eyetofloor blogskin since i've invested so much time and energy into decently doing up all the html dangadoodlepoop [which, by the way, is verily gnawing away at my darling slumber time tonight (which in turn is making me look like i'm delirious and adoring of parentheses.)]} i've sprinkled upon my blog. No need for formal commemoration ceremonies or any poopadangledoo but yesh, i want to salute myself and be rewarded with a 12-hour uninterrupted payback on my sleepdebt. As they say, we all should, advisably, sleep before 10 or 11pm every night for the body to obtain its own optimum level of self-repair, in recuperation for the next day ahead. But.
Oh yes. If blogs are from Blogger, why aren't xangs from Xanga?
And.. RELIGHT MY PASSION FOR YOU, O GOD!
doodled
XD
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
4:54 pm
More commonly known as the destroyer to all mankind, Under exists as the stifling blockage in every one's conscious mind. He squanders most of the host's time by inundating him with trivialities of sheer insignificance, like feelings of anxiety and resentment, and photographs of disempowering memories.
Ah.. we all need Tuesdays With Morrie.
doodled
XD
Okay, i'll admit i'm html-illiterate, so someone come save me. And it feels like i've been ferociously flogged. Over and over again throughout very inch of my body. Price of training hard ya.
doodled
XD
Sunday, October 02, 2005
10:38 pm
Recovered from a hiatus. This has got to be one of the most eventful and fruitful weekends for me in a long time. Reunion (not synonymous with reconciliation, that's going to be settled another time) and so opening a laughable and insightful doorway into the warmth and fuzziness of catching up on the past. A refreshing spiritual prompt coupled with more ways to show love. A long-awaited closure to me securing a civilian driver's licence. AND an overbearing urge to dive into an intensified fitness regime all over again. I'm happy i think. But i still have yet to be extricated from my warped sense of perfectionism that's fencing me up; and the pensive aloofness that's causing the distance between myself and solid ground.
I know, this skin is gaudily pretentious. But i'm still trying hard to familiarise myself with the technicalities that's motoring this contraption.
And i'm now a pro-TuesdaysWithMorrie person. I need love, people need love. What else? Yeah!
doodled
XD