Thursday, August 31, 2006
10:06 pm
Oh how much I ache at the act of using hard money.
My frame of mind has not changed- maybe an even greater entity framing up my perception of the surroundings is what needs to see a bigtime overhaul.
Don't you all sense it? The concept of Atmosphere- whenever you step into different environments, the general mood of that particular setting, be it the school or church or army camp, even within the numerous cliques we all have....they all carry with them a distinct vibe and air about them... The lingo, the culture, the inclinations, the influence. The trick here is to shift and adapt before they get you in- captive.
I'm having this done right before August ends. I'd actually intended to give myself a month's break over the entire month of September, but that means I'll miss this blog's first-year anniversary. So I'll still update it next month. My blood flows through this, you know.
So what's the big deal, I've been busy asleep.
I've got my struggles and commitments getting me down in the worst possible way. In addition, I've got negative externalities spinning me round and round. I can't even begin to capture the tragic reality of it in here....you feel disappointed and exasperated and confused and overwhelmed. And when you're swimming in mercury, trust me, you can't see the pool end even if it's a metre away. But the point is you still reach the end. However, my route taken was one of numb and hopeless desperation, like bashing through pitch black and thick vegetation. Arduous battle till no end.
My opinions all have their basis, and I'm glad I'm clear about them now. BUT this doesn't give me the right to be unruly and insensitive. And proud and fake.
Everything I let pass by me is trivial and unworthy. Everything's passable in my eyes. Except those larger than life issues that need some quality addressing.
This is why I'm moving on...to lead. In teensy ways first; then biggies way later. Lead= serve though!
There're so many lapses of events in between my blog entries. I've grown resigned to the fact that not everything can be comfortably seized at the reach of a hand, or accounted for with the luxury of time; that I must either: work on time management and retain the consistency of my blog posts, OR quit fighting to need to get everything down in print all the time.
I have to be clear. I can't do that.
My lack of sleep rules with an iron fist. Fireworks and BBQs have always had special places in my heart.
doodled
XD
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
5:25 am
I have not been having the luxury of time for this. For so long now, I have been dealing with Nurture.
All that I have been busy with, my cache here misses. But I have got records, albeit deficient in character.
My every breath- violated by bliss that thickly encompasses. The newness of this haven enthralls me once more.
doodled
XD
Sunday, August 13, 2006
1:23 am
Official. Now everything is shared. Since tonight only?
What you wanna believe you will blurt out and no one can fault you for that.
I've been missing things all the time- moving on is like getting used to it. The mood is not what motors love. Sometimes I'm not in a bad mood; I'm just stoned. What's so difficult to understand about that?!
If the temperature tonight's 0 degrees Celsius, and it's twice as cold tomorrow- how cold is it tomorrow?
1. The warmth and fuzz of those lovey-dovey thangs.
2. Altruism- ideal? Nah, gotta wield the skills to face this ugly world.
3. Romance under the incandescent void above us.
4. Hoped and prayed and getting it all my way.
But upon waking up...I find myself asleep all over. Eating till I keep getting hungry again.
And I'm not talking about fatigue or hunger.
The will in the human make-up is where all decisions in life take their reference from. Also in it resides all those invisible forces that zoom us ahead, or drag us backward.
doodled
XD
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
12:58 pm
Made a box and a dinosaur over these past few days. Learning more than I ever could elsewhere. But do I honestly want to keep up this level of interaction; or am I really about to be all-accepting and see a morphing in my standing? Self-actualization via this fusion? The mind wants input but the heart resents. Peel off my layers now- I'm not like this! It scares me how I'm actually fighting this innate reflex to oppose competition- when it's all really just an undefiled cooperation that blissfully uplifts and fulfills all strata of my being!
Doubt sometimes wakes you up to assess from the outside.
I can confidently justify and substantially legitimize my every word and deed.
But there's still a big deal about the different air about leaders and people in positions of authority. I find that they possess a respectable trait...this mystery about their unfathomable depths which I can't concretely point to- it makes them giants in their own right. The good ones I mean. But in NS? The good ones are so rare that they're even closer to my heart.
Whata three days of FOP '06! Reaped a harvest indeed.
doodled
XD
Monday, August 07, 2006
1:09 am
My rhema. My rules. In Word. And in Spirit.
The task now- to get words to jump up at me. Think thick-accented man. And angelic uncle.
My Dad's words of wisdom and conviction had brought across that admiration and respect usually associated with the universal son-to-father kinship.
Inspired...but destined to be expired. The endless search thereafter- for newer synergy sources.
It's dawned on me- love reaching the rich or the poor should come in differing quantities and be administered in various styles..customized. ALSO so, the rich and the poor show their love in their very own special way; and neither can ever be accused of loving less. If they're of love. That's why when you've put in the effort with whatever resources that you do have, you don't gotta be outwardly extravagant to impress the one who truly loves you. This is quality love for; and from.
Eventful day. But still out of firm grasp is the mastery of negotiating past the Self. I sometimes maim me from moving along smooth and cool.
Remorse but when have I never made it up to others and to myself? In due time..in due time.
The restoration's begun. And those words should jump at you.
But I've always wanted to know where I really am. Even when I do/think I do.
doodled
XD
Sunday, August 06, 2006
1:35 am
Gotta stop being hu2 tu2...no excuse!! And getting myself tardy all the time is still sticking like glue (wake-up calls depreciate drastically in value)..
AND I GOT MYSELF SCATHED. Either due to the heaty quality of foods I've ingested over the past days; or cos of a one-time thing when I gobbled and stuffed down tidbits. The inner walls of my lower gums are now ravaged to rawness.
The intensity of the conversations we have had thus far, over recent days- have all been pseudo-hellish. Raised tones and ugly intents communicate the entire display of outtalking and gaining satisfactory shuttingups from the each other. What cracks of discord these all are! What a wily choreography.
But am I turning bitter? Is the devil surviving somewhere still?? Orchestrations. But we still bored through the mire. Because true love works its way through divisive tendencies too....
Good fortune is actually God's grace at work. And that said- my parents' grace included also.
What inferiority always means to me is the inability to rise above a self-conceived handicap. And this is why I've my understanding God for me to love and relate to. In a sense of totality-coverage.
I've to say.... the famous guy simplistically ministering songs of peace, joy and gratitude in our midst- should never ever see his work get despised, because the very foundations that shape our beliefs has been needing, and will always need that constant sustenance and nurturing; and a familiarity-maintenance.
I think everyone has the propensity to be amiable and good-natured- none of us is ever a cold and rural island unable at all to care and joke about.. You'll just have to know which buttons to push...for each and every individual there are distinctive (and sometimes obscure) sets of them.
Inklings of temptation are stealthily seeping back in. My spiritual epiphanies really hold no water with little or no motivation from the outside...but I personally recognize my deep longing to grow close now.
But at this threshold of my new beginnings, once again I need to rely on more than just an outburst of wild emotive forces to spur me on in this gruelling and daunting mission. The cheese of my words man.
Thank the harmonious, multi-religious society we're all in. This is not a thought that I've generated NOW per se, but Being righteous as opposed to Being justifiable can both tear up a person's soul, especially when either way both clothe themselves in paramount credibility and are enthroned in alluring fashion. Justice versus mercy? It's a tie. Some days are Sundays for each one.
On with the everything'sfineandIdon'tmind mantra. It's situation-based, some quip. It's essential for AppropriateFocus, others boom.
My lack of sleep. I've resigned to let it hang around longer.
Words are never enough. They kill my most genuine of expressions of my innermost state- the very moment they appear on this screen, or the exact second they leave my lips.
doodled
XD
Saturday, August 05, 2006
12:40 am
Clarity. Stemming from an organized lifestyle and some systematic planning. Those late nights and early mornings of packed days make for a whelming drowning-out of any personal and family time at home.
So I've to enjoy any free time I'm left with with sacred cherishing. Gratitude at its zenith. My joyous mood in all its raving splendour! But I'm so tired every day. Awaiting Conscientiousness as second nature to me.
I have a problem- I keep screwing people up; but rest assured I'm essentially nice. THE LU4 CHI1.
There's really a particular, unique spirit behind every song.
I'll forget, okay? Because things that are forgotten are perhaps meant to be left forgotten. The energy to go on.
And I've seen the need to have this nothing-to-gloat-about attitude. Because I direct all attention to the thanking of God...
Because when I'm calm and patient I am undividedly engrossed, then I get spun off my feet by externalities that require simultaneous attention. And because turning up the tempo by handling many matters at hand altogether extrapolates to lack of order and defamation of image, the tradeoff lacks one breakeven point. Focus and control.
When you've prayed every prayer you know how to pray, you'll reach your end.
You're then humbled and become led aside from all your cares and fights.
You are challenged to look beyond your Memories- to the Faith paradigm.
You then quiver at the beauty of those blessings that you cannot see.
You will have to stop awhile and see;
I return you who you are to me.
doodled
XD
Friday, August 04, 2006
9:46 am
Bidding is fun- it's all a mental struggle. And I'm late for OWeek now.
Packing work and school and leisure appointments every day of this week might be a little of a far-fetched stretch but the beauty of it all is not minding the sense of loss and lack of directional focus.
I don't mind things not going my way, Murphy's got to be put to shame....
But it could all be part of this Pinnacle-mood I'm basking in.
I have a problem..many indeed. And the competition to self-improve with a someone who is miles ahead of me in the racing arena of quality propriety and high-end decorum- is somewhat disgraceful yet at the same time motivating. The previous night's delirious eloquence- from the heart.
And.
I feel that over the span of weeks upon weeks of no active introspection; over quick-shifting scenes and passages of a transitional period in life, I've grown to be a freshie again to this virtual realm of a release avenue and a stigmatic self-indulgence.
Cut these. And forget. Move on for sharper, and more holistic shots.
doodled
XD
Thursday, August 03, 2006
5:10 pm
The ultimate representation of triggers and how I just turn all berserk at them. My absent-mindedness, my disorganized lifestyle, my lack of focus and my indecisiveness. This new doorway doesn't really take too well to such traits.
These past few days have displayed how, as rash and impulsive as I might sometimes be, certain counter-reactions from others to my quirky behaviour; particular evolving circumstances; and my very own responses to patterns I'm familiar with, which I have to contend with and soon after violently shake off.
Smelly and mismanaged. Utter disgrace- finances and time and health and hygiene and belongings and relationships.
But creeping up on me is some soft-heartedness and heaps of good fortune.
Just dropping by....
doodled
XD
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
6:04 am
Throngs of people. Thrusting baggageloads of materials into your hands. Undivided attention; unrelenting approach.
I didn't want to look lost.
doodled
XD