Monday, February 27, 2006
10:22 pm
Gruelling seconds, to minutes, to hours are something I can't bear to snap out of!! Unbearable, actually. AA was gruelling especially when the end was nearing.. But at least I felt proud of my dogged responsibility that paid off! Thank God for His boundless grace..
Not a mere search for meaning, yes, The Truth Shall Set You Free, yes. But that sucks the whole pleasure and excitability out of it. Balance, balance, balance. I blanch, and I feel down. So I need inspirational reminders from time to time too. It's always okay to feel. That's what's real.
Running dry. I'm falling short of reaching my initial goals.. The Pink Panther was what Munich was supposed to be worth.
"Many waters cannot quench love, nor can the floods drown it."
-Song of Solomon 8:7a (NKJV)
doodled
XD
Saturday, February 25, 2006
8:53 pm
What is Paris Hilton thinking?!? She's just trying too many things! A rich heiress clawing for media attention through the sex video, incessant sex stories, attempts at making it good via onscreen appearances, her countless hookups and breakups (and there're more, naturally).. And now??!! Pussycat Dolls?!?!! Sigh. And please. Be one of the dancers. Don't sing.
The Imagination vs. Presence guru aka the head of the Fellowship Of Friends Robert Earle Burton is gay and indulges in forcible acts with his partners. I shall dispose of all that he advocates- right now! Sheesh.
The Truth!! I am made to enjoy all this. I blew it today and felt so shattered. BUT. What a timely display of Grace in my life today. Thank God! Thank everyone and everything around me! So beautiful. So much deeper than just feeling good. So much flow (yayy+urgh to that).
(So multi-tasking. So fulfilling. So accomplished.
SO DISTENDED FROM SELF-INDULGENCE. So shrouded from fruits.)
doodled
XD
Two days left of a rather enjoyable week (I thought it'd be hell). A true eye-opener- I'm starting to adore planes now!! Great food, nil work, power naps and really, it's virtually a holiday camp. PortaPumper! Pumpin' experience. Also marks the start of the planned early-ORD stunts. "No wonder your countenance's beaming these past few weeks.."
Stunning news, around Singapore and at home. In camp and for myself.
Our ex-DPM dies but the consequential last minute ops in my unit leaves me unaffected as I continue watching planes..OOPS. Yeah, well. He was a great man, I think.
The poor NYP girl..(and guy?) And forums are slamming her, blaming her carelessness and shamelessness? Outrageous, I say!! The audacity of it all. She was just UNLUCKY alright.. In the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing with the wrong person. Anyone watched Matchpoint? Brain-churning concept there- LUCK.. A matter of heng-suay.
Lol no la at the end of the day no matter what the cause was or what the motivations behind it were, she's still the victimized! BUT I wanna see how she turns this around to her advantage.. I'm rooting for her man. Serious. You go girl! But of course not stepping atop the bad publicity garnered from the fiasco la.
Can't wait for the moolah to come in! Long-awaited, much-needed salary from my part-timing. And the government's shares for all NSFs.. Godspeed you, Money! Cos February was a killer birthday month man.
And my unit's ain't slow in responding! There's just alot of bureaucratic hindrances that one big myopic loudhailer didn't care about.. The bomb threat was deemed safe enough for a prompt but not urgent response.. I hope the rebuttal statement appears soon in the Forum section.
Insatiable saw its fruition. A new member.. Plus a resultant union! When the news broke, I was at a loss. At first, acceptance rushed in quickly with smile and support. But a rationalization on all grounds of morality has yet to kick in.. I need a session with myself soon. And with the involved.
My body is kinda struck with ailments/injuries of all sorts. As of late. Is this a cautionary hint to me about anything in particular!?! Huh?
I guess it's just me paying the consequences of carelessness and negligence.. I need to WILL myself into instilling discipline in areas of accepting the blame for myself; being faithful in the small things; and attempting new standards of sacrifice. A challenge on my own Will..power.
Being pulled in all directions also entails attempting uncharted terrain. I'm slowly taking charge of decisions pertaining to my academic future now. No one else commands my life. I feel it's like a light at the end of the tunnel..smuacca!
Effeminate friends add spice to my day. They brighten up conversations.
And.. Because inspirational hype never lasts, I've got to rely on The Truth about me that stands forever. This happened on Friday night.. An awakening (time and time again..) A remembrance is all I need. A consistent effort.
What now. You're gone. My fault. I'm sorry.
(Not a mere haven for finding meaning and purpose in life; but a realization of my identity and power from eternity. It was always there. The TRUTH. Our mechanical lives of unconsciousness..sigh. Wake up!!)
doodled
XD
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
10:36 pm
I have come to terms with how the effects of certain external stimuli can cause so much involuntary anguish. And how others can lift you beyond immaculate bliss.
It's like we are machines bound by the laws of externalities and their extent of influence over us. They are meant to affect us in particular ways and elicit corresponding responses from us. A mechanism that boxes in and fences up. Our apathetic contentment with the quality of Life we think we are managing adeptly. Oblivious to our idiosyncratic nature and the higher calling to awaken and snap out of this illusion. To be present. To be more conscious. To transcend the boundaries of our natural inclinations. To remember oneself.
Now that's quite an intriguing concept. But it could just be another insignificant speck in the limitless expanse of all Understanding. I just..perceive it so?
Wrapping up, the Master Plan seems never to go awry. Now that's definitely a precursor to a major personal overhaul for me.. Maybe I should just stop fooling around. Really.
doodled
XD
Sunday, February 19, 2006
11:05 pm
Quirky me.. Primal urges can act as boosting reminders!
And true friends are made by initial advances at being a true friend myself. THEY are all over the place actually- people going out of their way for me. How endearing!
The living as a thespian in this Life feels more realistic than ever. Roles are interchanged, plots see twists..virtually anything materializes, and vanishes.
The jab of inspiration has seen a more lasting effect now. Today: weep away all blame.
(Gone for ONE workweek.)
doodled
XD
Dissipated desire.
Encroaching enmity.
Ardent anarchy.
Deafening drone.
Reasons for not blogging:-
1) Away from home- the army rears its ugly head again; or I'm just plain busy with hanging out outside. The 20-min theory of sleep might just be true.
2) Lack of inspiration- everything noteworthy I gain from my experiences is clean forgotten each time I want to start blogging. I'm left with a white canvas and nothing to produce.
3) Other distractions- takes away my attention from finding gratification in blogging. The whole idea of keeping an online journal starts to sound mechanical, and feels lackadaisical.
4) A bereavement of all aim at large- complemented by a gradual but steady erosion of my integrity and contentment in Life.
I have been licking away all inappropriateness. Only to find more of it.
Trying hard all by myself wears me out. So it goes with trying them out too.
doodled
XD
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
1:18 am
CNY's end marks the closing of a season. The next chapter reveals more. Flesh.
I'm blabbering on like a drunkard.
The birthdays and parties are all piling up. The 21st century's 21 year-olds.
What manner of euphoria (and impoverishment) is this?!!
Toiling.. Busy busy busy. Influx of loot! New mates, and hardcore slacking.
No time for myself even. 'Sleep late, get up early'..
Sleep off to all that's urgently efficient and pragmatically streetwise. Spoonfed no more. I-CAN-DO perception of all things boosts Me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EVERYONE.
People feel it's an inconceivable commitment going on when couples are made of 2 atrociously grotesque misfits. Yet such a bond that's built upon genuine trust, cooperative synergy, faithful selflessness and abundant renewal, is starkly unlike that of any other gorgeous-looking, perfect match couples- those who enjoy living in superficiality, emptiness, torment and lack.
Ugliness is only short-term. Discontentment isn't. It's possible to be gone from today. For today only.
Breakbreak..then off for (thu) weeks of dread..and then..break again!
But my cornerstone is slipping off.
Sleeping off to a weak-willed forsaking; yes, a tenacious quest for tangible returns. The core has been breached.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S, EVERYONE.
doodled
XD
Saturday, February 11, 2006
12:02 am
A pent up substance is inexplicably set to burst. Revere the unstoppable force that will come with it. Then as it comes, idolize the blast. (Sounds like something, don't it? Heh.)
The civilian's freedom! It was taken through to stark distances. Then, the collateral destruction. Thrown off balance. The insides crumble.
Sharp jabs into my windows. Ow.
We had one brave soul in the arms of a sweet damsel! Mind games are unscrupulous survival skills of courtship..
My wrecked vision. A mere constituent of the bruised shell at large- neck & back. Topped with a brokedown morale. The sum total of all that might count as deviously glamorous.
My extreme idea of what Fun is, can really precipitate the true beauty of Life down the sewers.
'O' Levels were out. Singapore Idol grounds were recced.
Yet this Purity that is defaced still seems devilishly enchanting..
"It's like I can't breathe, it's like I can't see anything.
Nothing but you,
I'm addicted to you.
It's like I can't think, without you interrupting me.
In my thoughts, in my dreams,
You've taken over me.
It's like I'm not me,
It's like I'm not me."
-Kelly Clarkson - Addicted
doodled
XD
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
1:18 am
TALL.
And..Mariah Carey reseizes the throne again as my most beloved female artiste. It's gonna stay this way..
Head out, hang out, burn out. All for the mood a la ORD!!!
Driven.
And grateful for that.
I'm just atop all the crests; yet it's high time the senses kick in, no?
A surreal surrender.
And a much needed immaculate infusion.
Of clarity and of rootedness.
doodled
XD
Monday, February 06, 2006
10:20 pm
My Egnlsih vocabulary might not be as bombastic now. And I'd like to actualize the urge to deviate from this old Mobius strip I'm walking on, once and for all. It's just too repetitively circular and one-dimensional.
I feel that stirring. Adulthood's beckoning.
The units of time allocated to myself each day are so limited that I can't afford to stay hooked on any one activity longer than I should. I have to leap away from waiting and relaxing, and actually get down to making things happen! Getting promises kept. And my goals met. Moolah stays intact and mind'll have spat.
The maturing process takes the pulling of my reins. Missing out on things. Saying nothing sometimes. All to serve the greater master scheme that is beyond my visibility range.
The devil works for God, in most paradoxical ways! Be dazzled. You don't need to believe in God to see this perfect divinity at work, every day we live.
doodled
XD
Sunday, February 05, 2006
9:55 pm
I haven't found any quality time to chronicle what I've been up to this entire week.
What a shame, running out of ideas now. It's a rather unsettling feeling to lose that touch of comfortably going through a thorough post mortem.
Like an unfamiliar sensation back here on white canvas again, the week-long absence of entries pulverizes all sense of completeness.
Lost memories. SO LAMEntable..
A wild ride. Simply put, I've been getting myself immersed in a carefree, laid-back lifestyle beaming with all that constitutes Pleasure.
CNY right? I'll go on like this, thank you very much! But no more 15-day-long ordeal that's going to plague me like it did last Christmas though..
The frequency of posts is just going to see a plummeting. And whoever gets the last laugh, well, thinks slowest.
Our lives are built upon the principle of sowing and reaping..nothing to be surprised at!
doodled
XD
Saturday, February 04, 2006
12:29 am
My, my. How busy.
Good night.
Anyway, I haven't heard from you in a week already, how are things?
I hope the next time round you'll stay a little longer.
Maybe a good, long chat, just like how we..I mean, how you always did?
doodled
XD
Thursday, February 02, 2006
8:02 pm
Now you see me, now I'm outta home.
doodled
XD