I squeeze smiles out of you!

Friday, May 26, 2006
4:12 pm

That was a throwback to my cantankerous and volatile state yesterday. It stood latent and obscure but I was really angsty and incendiary- anytime set to violently blow in fulmination at anyone/anything like the conflagration from a backdraft.

In the process I became much tinier than myself, and a startling letdown toward some who could never know me. I'm really sorry! I should never have been that lesser being that I was. But I know I was being perfectly normal nevertheless.

Fortunately the demons were more or less quelled by my deliberate isolation from the triggers and the stimuli. And I went through a deep slumber of 13 hours in hopes that my desperate soul would, from all the frenzied melancholy, find peace and solace.

It is so hard to gain what I truly need with the short-term method I've always used, especially now that I've awoken to the real solution. I am truly determined to break forth into hardline independence!! A dogged conviction of grand proportions and beautiful dimensions.

My unwavering belief has been put to the test one time too many, and the circumstances happening around me, from time immemorial, have turned from blaring and wailing, to whimpering and grieving, and back so.....NOW IS THE TIME. HERE IS THE PLACE.

Indulgences vs. necessities; wants vs. needs; hedonism vs. plain ol' work. Being lethargic and aloof was the only correct response as registered from my limited bank of emotions- they sure conquered my every thought and deed today. But my pride's cooking up a storm.

They say, "Army is the great equaliser."That time has passed. Along with it went innocence and taking for granted. Since no one can help, I'll take matters into my own hands. Gotta remove myself from the muck. Stay strong, stay real. And this higher law of love and the laws of friendship just keeps playing in my head......

I'm being unnatural here. But I've got heaps of endeavours and dreams for countless things in my life. The build-up has culminated here and can no longer falter. All in the space of one day. All in the wake of recent groundbreaking events and my jarring realizations. Goodbye, my youth. Welcome aboard, my destiny.

I didn't even need to try, that I'm scaring myself silly. Part of me still regrettably wants all that comfortable reliance and provision; another shrieks incredulously for a revolutionary step- up and forward: to generously and capably provide for others that comfort and reliance. This epiphany could not have arrived had I not duly undergone this time of needy helplessness.

I have sat too long by myself pitying him, that without knowing I have picked up and left without him.

doodled
XD