I squeeze smiles out of you!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006
1:29 am

I can't be all honest in this real world! Meanwhile, the monster of contention and discord has retrograded..I think he's fleeing.

I've a new plan. The main one. Contingency plans will shoot up as I move along. For one, stifled enjoyment can never be tolerated. Like today! Lack of planning cannot lead to indecisiveness and distractions; it must always point toward spontaneity and efficiency in impulsiveness! 've been rushing alot to complete pre-planned errands these couple of days, and that means the touch is slipping away! The family police has also clamped down, hard and vicious. Bleak future; but a timely end?

It's come full circle on the outside- so, has the fun grown bland and predictable on the inside? Developments and weathering on the individual and corporate levels have made for the staleness. And so a rising inner urge to present the remedy- to return to the youthful wonder of the innocent and the genuine; when nothing else mattered except for being intoxicated in real thrills... And this time, reverting to how it was like before is welcoming that old wave. This current wave ain't doin' us no good, cos the old one was like a world of a difference. Life- it's all about waves. Pursuing that one wave like the one we had before- but even BETTER than it.

On with the new plan. I will take on the role of the idealist zealot, striving pragmatically and energetically toward an all-rounded end product, whereby everyone's well-being will be catered to. This pseudo-perfect(that's the best) scenario will only materialize if I start taking a resolute albeit responsible approach to handling this. With both a purpose and the end perpetually sparkling inside a clear mind, swift decisiveness will be the fuel; and diplomatic and constructive negotiations will be the vehicle upon which the loving and passionate desire for cleaning up my mess rests comfortably. It must be professionally executed with an open and accomodating attitude. This way, no one will leave without at least gaining something of value; and the outcome will be all about the focus on quality; and an avoidance, if not a lessening of the damaging impact.

My ardent dream. "Dreams keep people on the move; not what they've achieved." Maybe I'm just high on life la.

My lunatic move to make a switch to an outrageous streak in image. The hedonism and its controversial beguiling indulgences...ahhh!! My old ways of neglecting that much needed time to rest. Sigh, this idolized addiction.... The mementos: a freezing corsage and a purple chop. Got hei1hei1 and pang4pang4, yay!! New era arriving= new game and new rules! Passion must be cultivated naturally, not like something cranked up. The momentous twin Thursdays- 1/6 and 8/6. PAYDAYYYY!!

I wanna extrapolate this lovin' feelin' to everything else around me. And although I love it that they are concerned, none can see it like we see it; except the rare neutral ones. My ambivalence will be my doom, but this and that- they're all not sicknesses...they're unique and distingushing marks! I must wake up at that time on that Over The Hedge Day. Later...

My randomness is my catharsis. You borrow, I borrow.....

doodled
XD

Tuesday, May 30, 2006
12:11 am

27/5- The jubilant glee I've both released and received from family and friends alike; the emotive welling up stemming from an absolute love and pride (with noble and expressive gestures included); the scrumptious goodness of heart candies: unbridled camaraderie reintroduced/reforged, and the immaculate indulgences in the ceremonies, the delicacies, having the vocals publicized and ferrying men and goodies; the mastery of self-amazement from the uncovered treasures of vigilance, efficiency, proactivity, witty hilarity, affability and confidence. Eye-openers simply went ballistic and worked like magic on the droopy eyelids- throughout the whole of this Glorious Pride Day! And it just felt like a year's worth of ecstatic bliss. Time spent at the astounding suite simply blew me away with the blatant and unescapable truth. My conviction was reignited.

28/5- The guilt of missing out on service as a result, on this day. And the quick and constant readjustment of my outlook swipes that devil out of sight. And culinary delights came lavishing down the gullet like a desert waterlogged- and croaking for a cessation! This ECP Bakerzin Day/Purple Chalet Day was one where lazing and strolling around relaxably was crossed with tensions arising amongst drivers galore. But I love such reunions though! And SI's just mad. The first few signs of cracking up exhibited themselves as a confirmation to me, although there was closure. And I also really couldn't care less so swept aside they went, cos wooziness was King.

29/5- The realization set in even further... Steps were taken, and the desire was still searing hot on the inside. Spoke the word and voila! Pri/Sec/36- I bumped into them all. This Over The Hedge Day was made up of a motley lineup...strange gathering. And funny it was! Now I've got a couple to go to catch up on now.... And I should really organize an expedition to rescue mah Elephant. But organize=> $$$. GETTING IT~!!!!! The plans for the days to come...the covert operations and the intensifying fear of Armageddon and its correlated repercussions...a mounting phobic paranoia of coverblowers popping out of nowhere on the streets, lurking at any corner, anytime...today's lethargy and fruitlessness blended in with the common burden of juggling pressing issues and appointments altogether...the fear morphing stealthily into a defensive motivation to steer out of the darkness asap. Cut the funk for awhile please, it's all adding up in my head like a ticking bomb! Sigh. It's culminating into something hard to handle; but it's something I'd do that I'd never ever regret. No backing out now. Cold turkey again.....

BUT. After the glistening apex had been conquered, and I'd tasted the sickening sweeeeetness of it all (which really just went by in the blink of an eye, but still nevertheless left a permanent impression on me); I figured there'd be a steep dip sometime soon. Not one which'd cause me to break, but still a dip.

Here it is: caught between the devil and the deep blue sea..
1) to tear at each other is gonna be inexorably imminent, for the new threshold (it was rather makeshift in fact) had been encroached upon again- my openness had bred apt catalysts;

2) to freely express with no holds barred, and to fight together against all the opposing odds to emerge as the proof to silence all, once and for all (tied to the abovementioned too);

3) to cope with and be atop all my material circumstances (which coincides with my dire need to quickly gain a bigger clarity and some quality direction as one self-sufficient adult, borne from my unique identity and core essence- both gradually being rediscovered);

4) to put an end to all faltering and hesitation- one life to live: I gotta do myself proud;

5) to regain and maintain a healthy balance: at the end of each ambitious day, I need solace and strength from the One who must be the closest to me (my wars I do not fight by myself no more);

6) miscellaneous goals and targets- both my vocals and physique need shaping up; hedonism and slogging out CAN coexist. This- is the very heartbeat of perfecting the art of Balance. Shawn's like, ditto.

3 days left. But it's really like any other ordinary day. And I'm shedding my cocoon only then. The epochal grandeur of setting off on my reenchanced path in Life on such a principal occasion simply makes for my own catharsis. But it doesn't just need to feel good. Cos I won't be all unscrupulous, see.

(Mariah Carey and Bee Gees- what's in common between these 2? And whoa whoa, now that's a big clue. Hoooooo~)

doodled
XD

Monday, May 29, 2006
2:45 am

Capturing everything is so tedious. Wish I had his fervour- in all that I do, wherever I go! What a contagious personality and spirited drive he has man.

And the days have just been blaring Euphoric Stupor so overwhelmingly into my face that I'm losing track of all the cares and fears of my life as a result.

doodled
XD

Saturday, May 27, 2006
1:05 pm

"If you understand everything what else is there to do?"
"People know what you mean can already."

The prevalent mood is still downcast, as the weather mimics. But I chose. And I arose.
The faux radiance fooled everyone, for what really lay beneath was one of unspeakable sleep deprivation. Even now, and I still don't wanna.

No regrets, but one just creeped up on me this morning after the ceremony. My criteria's hard to meet huh(...).
Proud moments from the joyous celebration this morn....if not for the woozy dreamy feel I had it'd be more glorious.

The mad rush to doll up; the wacky traditional love test with the saboteurs and the poor victim; and again the lunatic dash against time for the service; the solemnisation; the unfamiliar hymns; the vows; and the posing and snapping away. All of it whizzed past- like the sacredness was still waiting to be savoured.

My recklessness is getting appalling though.

Later...more duties coming up. Nothing can be more satisfying than impromptu programmes and offhanded coordination falling snugly into place!
I am lovin' it!!

doodled
XD

I guess I need to just swoosh back into perspective again and be all moderate and selfless once more. CG invoked this. And so did His voice too, prior to CG and amidst all my pensive exasperation.

The house had just undergone another wave of tidying and cleaning up. This is it. The day itself. No ugliness will be entertained.

I can really foresee Armageddon that's gonna ensue on two fronts. The scandalous and the (ostensibly)unchanging.

And I just can't help but be constantly reminded by every little pricking stimulus around me, like a scalding brand seared over and over again upon my chest, of the aching urge to escape from this bed of roses I've been getting comfy cooped up in, cos I've realised it's freakin' detrimental and also cos I've never seen it like this before. Something just helped suck out the dust in my head and the fog from my vision.

I'm so afraid I can't get up in time for the heavy grandeur of it all. Can't screw this up. Oooh. Someone's gonna get up soon, so bye. I can't suppress this delirium though. Neckache arhhh.

And check this out, peeps: the only way I can be read like a book is when you can come real close to operating at my style....which encompasses my every thought and deed... so actuary- you're on par on more aspects, you're luckier.

Been bumping into couples- with my friends in them...what gives? Been bumping into friends who live for the thrill of scandals; and who publicise private acts...whhaa? Why worry sia. Et tu? Over The Hedge's coming soon and the bridging regime is initiated.

AND CAN THE WHOLE WORLD STOP TALKING ABOUT X-MEN 3 ALREADY? I'M GONNA WATCH IT OK SO STOP SPOILING ITTTTT LAAA...GRRR.

doodled
XD

Friday, May 26, 2006
4:12 pm

That was a throwback to my cantankerous and volatile state yesterday. It stood latent and obscure but I was really angsty and incendiary- anytime set to violently blow in fulmination at anyone/anything like the conflagration from a backdraft.

In the process I became much tinier than myself, and a startling letdown toward some who could never know me. I'm really sorry! I should never have been that lesser being that I was. But I know I was being perfectly normal nevertheless.

Fortunately the demons were more or less quelled by my deliberate isolation from the triggers and the stimuli. And I went through a deep slumber of 13 hours in hopes that my desperate soul would, from all the frenzied melancholy, find peace and solace.

It is so hard to gain what I truly need with the short-term method I've always used, especially now that I've awoken to the real solution. I am truly determined to break forth into hardline independence!! A dogged conviction of grand proportions and beautiful dimensions.

My unwavering belief has been put to the test one time too many, and the circumstances happening around me, from time immemorial, have turned from blaring and wailing, to whimpering and grieving, and back so.....NOW IS THE TIME. HERE IS THE PLACE.

Indulgences vs. necessities; wants vs. needs; hedonism vs. plain ol' work. Being lethargic and aloof was the only correct response as registered from my limited bank of emotions- they sure conquered my every thought and deed today. But my pride's cooking up a storm.

They say, "Army is the great equaliser."That time has passed. Along with it went innocence and taking for granted. Since no one can help, I'll take matters into my own hands. Gotta remove myself from the muck. Stay strong, stay real. And this higher law of love and the laws of friendship just keeps playing in my head......

I'm being unnatural here. But I've got heaps of endeavours and dreams for countless things in my life. The build-up has culminated here and can no longer falter. All in the space of one day. All in the wake of recent groundbreaking events and my jarring realizations. Goodbye, my youth. Welcome aboard, my destiny.

I didn't even need to try, that I'm scaring myself silly. Part of me still regrettably wants all that comfortable reliance and provision; another shrieks incredulously for a revolutionary step- up and forward: to generously and capably provide for others that comfort and reliance. This epiphany could not have arrived had I not duly undergone this time of needy helplessness.

I have sat too long by myself pitying him, that without knowing I have picked up and left without him.

doodled
XD

Thursday, May 25, 2006
5:22 pm

The floodgates of hell opened. The consuming surge of negative emotions came charging like a thrusting barrage of indiscriminate magnitude and relentless force.

Yet I'm practising this: still hanging on amidst the entropy, dangling ever so precariously over the precipice of destitution. The dawn is coming soon; the help is arriving.

doodled
XD

Yesterday.
Fruitless trip. Islandwide recklessness.
I notice how picky and exacting I can actually be.

Living off others sucks.... but DUMBO please come!! This is one of the many stern and incessant reminders of who I'm always gonna stay as...unless I focus on some REAL balance. I can never have 2 primary aims. I've been hanging on for what's going down. The novelty has to wear off.

I can't not feel like this. It's a compulsory phase....so heck the cranking up a good attitude.
I'm forgetting, and learning, and going full circle again. Ever so quickly.

Today.
How lovely. A chance that dropped from above..reminiscent of all my uncanny and random bumping-intos before... a homage to all who've crossed by me and stayed on strong till now.

Pondering over some new opinions. VERY VERY VERY disturbing. Thrown me entirely into disarray. And now I'm in this subdued and forlorn state. It's really a monthly thing. Getting squirmish and feeling inadequate. Don't blame me if I bite back. The solution's been mistaken.

And I knew he would win. It's a predictable pattern, seriously. I've gotta reassess that aim.
The stressss..JUST TWO MORE DAYS. My mood's taking over though..

doodled
XD

Wednesday, May 24, 2006
3:49 am

It seems I'm always having three meals a day, regardless of the time I awake. Fats, I bind you. ALL OF YOU.

And so today was another case of ''Thought I Could But I Didn't....Once Again''.

Only some wild concoctions that I came up with happened. They got consumed, and stayed till now. Much longer than I expected! Didn't even need the popiah and the oluak, seriously. See I keep saying that.

Honestly(hehe), I think I need to reassess my very own dos and don'ts of what makes an honorable and virtuous Blade-half of the Blade-Chalice union I'm having now.. The need for the integrity and respect always gets overridden by my practices and habits of the old self. It's strange when I'm having a Clearance A all by meself here....WHY FEAR?!? What happened to the bliss and the passion and the optimism?

And the sleepy day (supposedly a break from all the insane fun) resulted in some called off appointments (2); and housework that I originally set out to do was never done.

I also came up with a nice remedy for someone's sorrow as soon as I got wind of it yesterday. And in the process, started delving into issues that only have pertinence to real adults. See, I'm using that word adult as though it's miles out of my reach. Because while it intrigues, it also intimidates. I don't wanna be that, though I can't exactly change the reality of A-Month-And-A-Week-Remaining!

And then I acted on impulse and used my precious voucher to yes, splurge again. Thought it'd be one of those spontaneous gatherings where everyone absolutely loved each other's company and enjoyed themselves to the max. Did some hasty planning myself which beefed up my ego. But I did something else too. By inviting their wet blanket, everyone's mood went plummeting down. The overall atmosphere was thick with stiffness. Unnatural. Fixated scorn on that one antagonist. Or was it two, myself inclusive.

Sigh... With the cash having flown off and the returns nowhere near worthilysatisfactory, how could I ever forgive myself? Appreciate the lesson learnt, says That Voice Within. I'm soooo sorry for soooo many things!!!!~ And I might just be sorry for a few more if I don't turn in now...
It's true. I am that metamorphosized man. But I'm still training....ain't missin' no train. What're we gonna do when you're gone??~

And yes, it's official. My moolah's up. And the hunt is finally on.

Pack and clean. Up la~!!

doodled
XD

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
3:20 am

A conversation went on just now between the voice within, AND myself. Cut it out midway, but whatever exchange I had had internally I'd like to consider a marked advance ahead in terms of introspection.. Because it captured the very heartbeat of who I have always been- I have always been rather veiled from a clear revelation of myself. And the coolest part was that this uncanny discourse took place during the most mundane of activities, under the most casual mannerism imaginable. Laid-back and informal, yet upfront and in my face.
Something broke through after that.

The urge to get real wild sorta came alive for a one fleeting second when I started to recall those moments that have passed by, worthy of all remembrance and adoration.

An understanding heart breaks me down, to utter humility and gratitude. And a speechless, spellbound expression of my love. Cut the funk... I need depth and breadth.

Losing my hunger- the most abhorred feeling, ever. At this very point in time, my faithful devotion to these Chronicles here seems more like a senseless, trivial want of my soul. A sickness. Every living person has that one thing; or a couple of things in our lives we hold dear, and are immaculately joined with. Be it a close person, an attitude, a job, an inanimate object, a habit, an activity, a belief, a desire. That one thing usually stems from a corresponding void in that person's world; a particular lack in any single aspect which then fuels him toward filling up those blanks.

The therapy of music...ahhh. The Da Vinci Code is really worth watching twice. Henderson and Lavender added to the shopping cart now!!

Thank God for tagboards, they keep blogs interactive thus making it a somewhat living, breathing being.

doodled
XD

Monday, May 22, 2006
1:52 am

Why??? And I thought nothing could stand in the way of a rising tide set for the heavens?!?
This is the test. Really.

Once again, I couldn't really put a finger on what it stemmed from. Flooding influx of a smudgy blur mass of some external burdens and an inner strife.

Yet I succumbed to what I never thought would ever again intrude into my list of avenues of release.

I am sorry it had to transpire again. And the other issue of dissension. I AM SORRY SO COME BACK TO ME!! YOU ESPECIALLY.

Where do I go from here. Do you know where you're going to?

(Singapore Idol split my sides. But something cloudy has shrouded my judgement. Consensual efforts are underway. This debate could last till five. MONEY, PLEASE LAR. Spare me this once.)

doodled
XD

Sunday, May 21, 2006
2:52 am

The cold-calling ordeal. The brave cooks. The wonderful bus-stop. The transferring of data is now done. The double blow, and the picking of myself up. The cancelled appointments today. The wonderment of having to share your life, at home. The paradigm shift in my take on relating to the divine. The silliness of flippantly discarding cash; and missing a considerable portion of a work of entertainment. The idolizing of Buakaw and Donnie Yen. The end of relaxing is the beginning of work.

But work itself can always still incorporate some improvised fun!

And since this is the very time; the only time we'd really have as young adults to lose ourselves entirely in the pleasures of our carefree days (or what remains of it), why not take it past the capped ceiling and explode through all thresholds? These transition periods sandwiched between the important stations of life- school, army, work.. all make for maximum enjoying... But none of such long lull periods in all my history on earth can really match up to the level of Wild I'm going through right now!!~ So it IS worthwhile, duh. Afterwhich, I'll slide back into some mundane seclusion and have that dignified conduct once more.

I received my letter of acceptance already. THANK GOD. I still wanta appeal to SMU though hehe. Why did Elliott have to follow in Arsenal's footsteps? Sobbed.

Whenever one gets drunk, his senses get impaired and all else that poses as a direct opposite to what his stupor stands for gets bulldozed aside as pointless and unworthy to be considered. The very reason why every one person is unwavering in at least one or two of their values on any issue of life: emotional, spiritual, social or intellectual etc, goes to show that everyone is in one way or another....intoxicated. Obdurate and myopic. Unclear and uncertain. Proud and shut up. Drunk in their own right. In their own playground.

Something so promising, yet so fragile. Fear of loss?
Someone just flicked the switch. Not the other one though.

You can't just want it to last.
We don't take chances anymore.

We construct them.

(Irritated by some horrific struggles. You're just space. My plastic adversary.)

doodled
XD

Thursday, May 18, 2006
5:39 pm

Crackin' up, heatin' up, breakin' down.
Nauseous, spinnin', weak and tired.

But the fun never ends! The asscrack, the plaster, and the wart haha.
Off to meet mah clients again. I'm on a schedule, you know.

doodled
XD

My shattered hopes. The British side conceded...sobs!! But I'd smile. Woebegone... But that grit in me....

But SA beat RJ- what a glorious moment!! Alas, I wasn't there to share in the party and joy though.... Grrr.

Awoke to nightfall, but not before I slept at daybreak. A fourteen-hour marathon of R&R which made me ignore all cries from the real world. The phone, the stomach and the toilet beckoned. But me and my single-minded drive was directed at one thing only....ZzZzz's.

And regrettably also, I missed that jubilant victory my alma mater had against RJ. So I sigh for that. Not to mention, the aches(...) don't seem to stop. It contributed partly to my sianness yesterday and the dreaminess today. And no packing was done....I'm already feeling that troubling rush of nerves- tension and excitement and all the urgent preparation for The Union. And the influx of all the imperative reponsibilities of my adulthood are pelting down, in its wake. Didn't call them up too...and I've got more calls to make now!

BUT..
I'm starting to develop an affinity toward that confident and composed outlook on all the externalities around me, which I'm psychosomatically administering to myself....ahh. So the title hence speaks of a lesson, or lessons for that matter, that're as wholly practical and secular as they are spiritual!

The Shes. Please no wars. Man's stages of growth and each's characteristic behavioural stereotypes. My adolescence for instance.
For relationships- I'm envisioning a beautiful journey. And I'm truly sorry for the American Idol incident!! I'll welcome all that hurls itself toward me- With Open Arms. (And I didn't know Clive Davis was such an iconic legend.)

But can I reenact, over the results show later today, how everything was like when I was rooting so much for the underdog just over 3 hours ago? My passionate devotion; my hope and my faith; my resolute support; my confidence in the outcome- EVERYTHING?? I don't wanna allow doors for any doubt to enter, ever again, even at midway. So even if I don't get what I want in the end, I want to keep the pluck alive. For my future perusal. That's why I need You.

Photographs keep the memories alive!! So to me, solely having images in the human mind is really just plain artificial. They're softer than any soft copies of photos, and are rather simulated and counterfeit substitutes. Memories defeat the purpose of tangible and present-tense visual materials.
Okay I'm exaggerating- memories can sometimes seep through the nooks and crannies of what photos fail to capture- emotions, thoughts and experiences.
But it's just that I can't wait to receive that hardware containing all the soft copies....that have actually chronicled all the moments of this past month's FUN.

doodled
XD

Wednesday, May 17, 2006
1:14 am

Privileges've stripped..and weird dreams've been streaming in nightly! Joseph I need ya.

Was I really meant to be in all of these? Gotta get out of the well already. J-O-Bs NOWW.

B's still lost its kick man.

It was bummer in camp today. The familiar and expected rigidity and inefficiency sigh. WON'T EVER BE COMING BACK EXCEPT ON INDEPENDENCE DAY. But at least there's a tad more room up in the head now...and I think my Humanapproval Quotient needs to see a steep dip....what- it's still all the rage leh. Different feel now, partly cos of the imminent parting of ways. And the grandeur of all that liberation jazz...just daunting. And never ever mix Katong Laksa with Chicken Rice. A few days ago, up above. Now, it's down below?!? Charcoal pills yea yea yea..

WALKED LIKE HELL. Have squandered more than just material objects. But earned truckloads more of profits in invisible treasures!! Never want it to end... Ahhhh.. Have just been all dissociative and unnatural and tired...AND WEIRD? Maybe. But really, deciding to be put through some discomfort might just work for the good for my much needed identity hunt. I'm striking at this chance not knowing completely why. But it also really just fell into my lap. So I'm the gal here huh. Wave hi to the novelty of it all. My eyes will continually shift....so help me.

This is so true. So much power is embodied in our Eyes that we're usually fenced up by all that we see...and nothing beyond. That which our visual range doesn't reach just don't register at all as acceptable or possible.
KUDOS TO BLEACH LA.
So look for newer chances now. But don't just look..or even hear, smell or feel them. Be. Don't merely Do. A step up the rung in receptivity and perception. Don't be slaves to your desires!

And so, I've clean forgotten how it'd actually been like to stay at home for an entire day. That shall just be the plan then.

Am I too cool or what. And has ALL just simply been transferred toward that single entity?

doodled
XD

Monday, May 15, 2006
11:43 pm

Aching body man. But there was laughter and fun. And there were legendary delicacies.

Rather unsure in the heart man. But there was evasiveness. And there were OBmarkers.

Other people had their own Clearance B too? Cool. I'm slipping away again into compromise. I'm truly sorry for what had, and will soon transpire from me. But, no regrets for those of the then...BUT my standards may just be really needing some revision. Paradigms must see some radical overhauls- I'm predominantly caught up in hedonism!! Meantime, my patience has been thickening up. All thanks to an impending bliss that the world can't believe will happen.
The time will come to stand tall. To stand for all we believe in..

This May had been more than just a blast!! Recapping everything in full detail sucks the beauty outta it so I'm not gonna. And a couple more signatures will mark the signature separation from all slavery- AND the birth of another tantalizing phase. Come June, I'll be all ready for raising the bar of all that Fun's made of. What to do, NUS/SMU won't allow for such crazily lasting moments as these. Never ever. HELLEH? Faggot; and discipline, anyone? And I think it's really gone! Not that though. On the decline, but not in its entirety.

(I don't take to abrupt demolitions, no I don't Moo!! And boy(senberry), were there restrictions tiptoeing by us these days! HOSTILE man. The newer and more flaming thrills can now satisfy what the milder ones can't even dream of tickling. Scary is that, yes. When can life enjoy me? Am I really soaring? Still impaired and rebellious...but no one can know Who really is, Why can't it and How to. And I then smirk even more. Cos there's always more than just questions that stump us everyday. Good to know.)

doodled
XD

Sunday, May 14, 2006
11:07 pm

Cold, churning, throbbing, groggy, weak.
First time in a long time.... Seriously wild and uninhibited!!! Handled all those memorable ones. Not at all ugly if you ask me...how could I even judge?
More training(...) urgently needed. Not gonna be impaired no more. Thresholds stretched. Wants revisited; needs overlooked...morals still intact yes.

Snapping back to reality, I GAVE like mad today.
BUT I felt the fulfilling sense of peace.
More to give away; more will be replenished! Much more to keep to myself- addressing certain poisonous issues takes more than just plain self-control. Fatigue I can't settle for you. Thorny.

Have I sorted out what really makes up my truest essence? Glimpses of it found- kudos to the weekend devotionals and Mr. Big Personality onstage!!
And I might soon be embroiled in a theological battle of gargantuan proportions. Hold me back, someone.

Missing the good ol' Blitz days. Yes, rare as it may be, an explicit reference to someone, something.....at last!! Haa...enjoying the precious, simple and carefree moments of hanging out with 'em.

Close ones motivated me today; they also caused awkwardness. Can't be explicit here though heh. Nothing to hide....but soon to be only.

Jobs don't find me I know; BUT money please chase me. Houses now??!!~ Whata far leap ahead.
Phasic fad la. GK enthralls; and derides! The art of not knowing must kick in.

Gonna get lifted up in higher dimensions of worship and prayer- I'm glad because I'm always absorbing; I'm thankful because I don't actually have to be in control.

This could be forever...tired, but there are others who're worse off! Love pours outta me unconventionally. And that's its trouble. But thwart this thinking of mine please, all the time. All my days.

[Music from Narnia is an acquired taste; BURN BURN BURN(...)!! I have to take up particular shields to further my cause in staying true to my mantra- EVERYTHING IN BALANCE. You can't dig these up, sorry. Clearance A again?!! Heroes are found all the time- in healthy friends. Fear is indeed the need to control! =) to Henry. Force into existence some discipline la..slow.]

doodled
XD

Saturday, May 13, 2006
2:13 am

Those shes. Why.
Those things...how did it...?
You...where?
Waste sia.
Pile on more trivialities to exacerbate the frenzy.

Between the angel's and the devil's way of release today, the angel's came in the end. Wanted to appease the devil's but it all came a wee bit late. So I went ahead with the angel's.

Whoa. Saw it. Flung once again into a fretworthy state of mind. Albeit more or less on a one-way ticket.

Worn out..NO2, NO2.... CAMARADERIE forged; tolerance received and given. Was it all a convincing masquerade or some faux authenticity? Either way it was a massive blockage in me trying to behave AND interact in a completely natural way- in the wake of a chaotic PMS-ey yesterday and night. Can't put a finger on what actually triggered off everything. A subtle and stealthy snowball of emotions? I don't know. No la I do. Do I?

Stay atop. I'm emerging from within, enjoyed it while it lasted though...enjoyed suffering?!!

Thank you for the promises You made today, that brought me back into moderation...blew up the vocals, and then not just any kind of shallow inspiration!! The angel's way helped. But I'm negligent toward the most valuable things I come across in this life. Blew the vocals, really.

And....what an end too.

So to the devil's (again) tomorrow. Today I mean.

(Compensation!! Stress!! Was it really cut off? Big day's coming. My life's plans are also hanging. Cough. )

doodled
XD

Friday, May 12, 2006
3:09 am

The toxic substances thrive.
But I never felt so alive.

The closest can't get within.
The distant wringed me inside out.

The unexpected one got banished.
The sanity clamoured for release but remained.

Closed. Emotionless. Euphoric. Indiscriminate.
Think again. Feel so much more.

Tables turned for help. Lies uncovered- in cessation.
Duo of hearts stopped all time. Wrongs just seemed right.

I can't take it in.
I need a congruent frequency in level of thinking.

I'm wide awake.
Yet every breath has been enslaved.

Every hair on my body- shrouded in confusion.
Yet it's nothing worth getting drowned in.

It couldn't be any more beautiful.
Heaping on vulnerability.

How can I say it?
Illusions in lethargy.

(Every word- piercing reflections of me navigating at the crossroads.
I've got clarity..you just can't handle it.)

doodled
XD

Thursday, May 11, 2006
2:38 am

I want to understand people more.

I have found some new meaning in all of this.

I am drowning, yet I'm enjoying every moment of it.

I need to stop taking it ALL for granted.

I should go now.

I can't be tardy anymore.

doodled
XD

Wednesday, May 10, 2006
12:51 am

I'm losing control and restraint.
I keep losing sight of the Realthings.

ALL OVER AGAIN.

(Except in concupiscence, for today. Monumental? Soppily reminiscent and enchantingly sentimental.)

Is this characteristic of all those distinguished days of special remembrance?
Because the power is not mine, I'm just gonna let it fly.

doodled
XD

Tuesday, May 09, 2006
7:00 pm

Thankful that it happened;
Sorry it had to end.
Dogged to show some effort;
Awakened- to set the right trends.

Toppled the old limits,
Gobbled the mighty darkness.
Taken to some extremes-
Life's eased into my harness.

Saved too much for now;
Left with far too scanty.
Hurled oneself to pleasures,
Forgone the Life aplenty.

Stealth is of great allure,
Potent is the Force.
Be shrouded not, my mind;
Be wary of the cost.

doodled
XD

Passion mixed with insanity mixed with sponteneity mixed with deprivation mixed with persistence.

The itch.

The relief.

The hunger.

The quencher.

Never to wane.

(Ill. Clearance A now. Treading the line. Hehe..)

doodled
XD

Monday, May 08, 2006
12:56 pm

Started with me oversleeping.

Ended with me the tired joker.

Stuff it.

doodled
XD

Sunday, May 07, 2006
1:48 am

I'm juggling so many emotions and issues at once I'm dropping all of them all over the place. FOUR windows!! Of extremely diversified natures.

Can't crank up any excitement now, that elation just plummetted rather abruptly.
Mah soul was especially erratic this day...the squeeze!! Treat rocked.

So did NUS and the family. The hype's faded though.
Getting caught up now in a tangled web of strife with the dreary descent of daybreak.

Not gonna do a no-go?
"Cos that would mean pangseh."

What triggered some introspection.
"What uniquely distinguishes you as a person?"

Updates will come, yes they will. Tomorrow.

Ahhhh..the eye and the throat- hedonism some more?

Latest kick? Covert ops.....
AND.....
"You faggot la you."

doodled
XD

Friday, May 05, 2006
12:39 am

Onward: the road to freedom.....

To regained identity;

To carefree lives;

To fresh starts;

To new experiences;

To clarity reincarnated.

(This week's events- on a raincheck. I'll explain the deficiency in the number of posts here.)

doodled
XD

Thursday, May 04, 2006
4:03 am

The Throbbing Dull.

Release confounded, seeping through the ethers.

Throw at me more void-fillers..

doodled
XD