I squeeze smiles out of you!

Sunday, March 26, 2006
2:40 am

I've culled out certain governmental grievances. It's a matter of good trust turned bad. The one-way care and concern that's information-deficient. The social poison of circular repetition with peace and stability as an icing of disguise which every person here swallows, then thereafter accepts its illness. Any attempts at awakening shakes are vehemently suppressed. A sleeping citizen has is the normal one. And this discussion that lasted into the ungodly hours of the day spelled disaster for my Tuesday's voluntary work!

Anyhow, I was screaming for a release throughout this entire week. And I learned that bluffing may stall for time and get us out of sticky situations, but in the long run, it also ensnares our true inner goodness in fabrications of deceit.

This 'platform for adulthood' should be taken seriously..even if my heart isn't in it? Conformity and rigidity are the greatest enemies of the ever-renewing demands of this world. Though not so in this specific context of days in army, YET the warped mindset has just fed the soul with self-preservation and comfort, so much so that right now...I'm in dire need of a paradigm shift. And it happens ever so faithfully, week in, week out that it frustrates all my energies away. I've got barely much left for the more pressing issues at hand.. Things have not been looking up for me at all from the start of the week. But I had two nights off in a night. Now that's monumental.

Tuesday- the cool knoll day. A cock-up again. Is Trouble that extensive that I can't seem to avoid it no matter what? Right now, embarking on a trouble-free and tardy-free regime will just create more doors for those vices to creep back in. It's a given man. So I guess I'll try my best and just react accordingly and responsibly to any future failures to maintain a clean sheet. The weights of a dozen unsettled affairs tugging for my attention all at once led to a concussive retreat. A withdrawal symptom of going for too long without my regular fix of civilian exposure. A contraction of courage whilst the spark still tries! Simply... A dazed week.

Wednesday- the relief of finality in the completion of the possibly last ever uphill undertaking in my two years of quiet servitude. Momentous. But that made uphill become worthwhile. The results may not have been ideal but the process was uplifting enough for all of us. A wave goodbye to all arduousness- the epitome of army life. This special day however preceded an additional day of confinement the next day. I think I signed up for this since Tuesday. Work, work, work. But the end is near. The end will motivate. That is however a temporal motivation. ThankGrace once more for saving my sorry ass. A closeness has truly been forged and sealed.

I should also stop giving advice posthumously. Or rather, such advice must be meticulously fitted with the grasp of appropriate timing and content and type of person. I must also stress the importance of not recording all the bits of my life here like it's some sort of life support system. It just saps the beauty of the sacredness of moments that have passed, good or bad. It dries up the moist innocence of everything experienced by being undermined through words. See as a child, always. Looking back is a sign of a lack of purpose and vision. The 48 Laws of Power is alluring! Accidents can pop up out of my control, but I must bank on all that are within my means of altering and improving.

Friday. And so ORD entices. And seduces. Busy with being engrossed in the natural state of elation, but a sorrow from a constant negligence tugs kindly at the depths of my centres..BUT scribbling and calling and discussing cannot wait! Things are brightening up at last. Planning for clearing leave; the arrival of my driver's licence; a farewell to an imprint in my memory files for life..yet that calling.....

Gratefully, there's church. I will not feel the ricochet back to revival, but I will realize and witness it occuring cos of Action:

Break out of unfulfilling vain cycles into actualizing Eternity-fixation. The spirit is the one vehicle that overcomes meaninglessness but is also the same one in us that is under-utilized. And then when we wonder why we cannot achieve the fresh renewing and the big successes we were made to achieve, we turn to the comfort of seeking acceptance and low risks. Every purpose is unique and perennial.

Be ridiculous and envision more than anything else you do. Larger, better, further, wider, deeper. The present will not suffice. Dreams have always presented itself impossible! Yet they draw all Man. All things that are predictable and rooted in the self turns dead in due time... Sacrifice and right motivations guarantee to shame the World's route- widely popular but miserably failing.

The handwriting says it all. My sinlessness oscillates between fraying and fusing. I can't fully define the quality of Eternity, but it might be something like this- not waiting much longer.

doodled
XD