I squeeze smiles out of you!

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
8:40 pm

I don't need to go back to camp now. What gives? A wasted day- idle and barren. And now all this is so surreal I can't process this type of emotion anymore. Especially in the wake of all that I've done against morality..

Forgiveness- what I am doing the world doesn't see but I know what's done in the deep recesses of privacy. And God sees all of that. Please purge me of all the thoughts and feelings unfitting of me as a 20 year-old man who just lacks the knowledge of the grave implications of my repeated violations. Wash away this water. It's not even water in any case.. I just want to be reconciled with the ability to grasp and release all the potential on the inside of me. I'm sorry. It has been Me behind this all along..and I'm coming clean now, publicly. I just need Your grace now- so, so badly..

There's still hope, and time for change tonight. I want to be that mover and shaker. There's just so much to express and pour out.. Is there time and space?
ARE THERE ANY MORE CHANCES?

Who am I to be swayed by those who place values on everything I do or say? I need a new glimpse of that which transcends all that humanity can offer.. To set me ablaze with everything You want to see grow in and through me.. Where would I be without You?

Take all of me, take the me stripped of everything strewn outwardly to decorate and inflate and decimate..just take the plain and bare me. From my very spirit core to my thoughts and my speech, to the heart and the will, and to every shred of strength in me..invade and permeate and saturate.

I will put an end to this. Cold turkey. Nothing to see or hear or feel that can come close to beating all of You. My words mean much. I'm not forgetting. I'm not blaming another. My whole existence has had a cloying aroma of trying too hard. They're all beautiful and innocent: before AND after my receptors pick them up.. And anything that constitutes Fun must go through a filtration..

This is not a bawling for help just because I'm in a desperate situation. May every day be as this.
Tomorrow I will not say what I don't act out.. Tomorrow I will let positivity flow out of me. Tonight I've seen the need to be extricated. Tonight's misery has come thus far- it's ended now. Thank You.

I will be still. My flaws and faults are flaws and faults, by any name. Pointing them out in others does nil for me.

I will be still.
Till I next turn playful again that is..

doodled
XD