I squeeze smiles out of you!

Friday, March 31, 2006
11:52 pm

Amazed at myself. Why did I get myself into this. It's just the same ol' circle again..the low after the high. The big skirmish between Fun AND Meaningful.

Difficult.

Sian.

Inactivity.
There are agents in my life who wish to help. But I'm burdened already as it is. Next time I'm gonna break down my door. No more ingenuity and high risk.

Methinks my focus in this existence here is expanding in capacity. That's what's causing this throbbing pain! I guessed I've learned something before I leave my 2-year motel, on Wednesday...WHICH I will soon egoistically forget.

That small girl..Hmm. Sordid.

96.3! Stumbled upon it and got stuck there, gazing in wonderment. For more mindless melodies tune in to 99.5 and 91.3 also.

I act Dunno sometimes to liven up the conversation. It funnies me. Huh.

Am I always that competitive and kiasu? I have utterly thrown myself down the dumps with that, and my mechanical addictions too. Concupiscence.

Because I understand just in time might be very late. Which in turn runs contrary to personal luxury. I seriously don't want to have choices at all if it's going to continue like this..

I don't want to be ugly. But I've received the deepest scorn of all on Scrumptious Day. Which was also Zuoboh Day. But maybe those were added baggages to the already existing, yet unfelt blockage in my spirit sustained since that Tuesday night TILL Wednesday early morn. Disgus(t)ed.

Aside from some rare bursts of agitation, I subsequently carried this prevalent calm disposition- masking behind it a plummeting fervour.

And it didn't help by realizing I was a good siammer. I strive to stay minimal but deliver efficiently but always end up just..minimal.
What to do, when trouble keeps finding me? Siam all that is troublesome! But that, paradoxically, leads to stumbling upon MORE trouble.

Then the inclination to practicalize everything and perceive all input in the most natural sense kicked in. And it salted my wounds.

But so it goes, memories of 36. Everything shiong has indeed happened before to our batch; and it's evident- our future generations are going to wear skirts soon. Good thing we had heaps of welfare which will surely cease after our batch, with our departure. YOU ALL DIE.

Stop me from dwelling on, and resenting my flaws again. HECK. I treat everything as though it'll last eternally. Lame shit.

I've got an iota of positivity left. Before I flare up again...... True happiness comes before the dawn. Throughout that long night.

Bleak hope- always unbending.

doodled
XD