I squeeze smiles out of you!

Thursday, January 05, 2006
3:47 pm

It tore my energies to shreds since it began. And a tiring week on the whole. In so many ways. But it's ended. Here and now.

What a way to start the year. Back in the unit- unrelenting operations demand my sacrificial contribution. Deprived of two valuable nights of relaxation but it nevertheless helped to spice up the monotony in camp. All the excitement that camp life brought to me kinda kept in check an ongoing internal struggle that so mindlessly and heartlessly played on the, well..mind and heart.

Stress. Swerving outta control. It was like the despair and hope within me aptly mimicked the climatic patterns of rain and shine. Then there was the sunshine rain- when I felt confused! Packed to burst with emotions and thoughts vying for my undivided attention. Ah.. Thankfully there's the magical OFF!! But seriously, who's real to me?!? Why the selfish rush; why the taking for granted?!!

I think I have undergone some radical changes this week. Bettered. Served the greater good, and kept the faith. Somewhat. I can always smile and wait for the next train. But when I'm still an ugly stinking stew on the inside, things aren't settled till I truly find the big-picture life I'm to live. And I ain't contented. I can face up to moving ahead, knowing what's right and wrong and all that priority jazz but there's always a shoulda-woulda-coulda devil blaring memories down my gut and shoving desires up the cerebrum. Suppressing the sting can be just as disastrous as yielding to my self-automated heart, and I'm not understanding why.
And those time-precise, eerily pertinent songs on the streets also aren't really helping fill me with clarity.. I walk away, smiling.

And there's this new trait I want to own I call the Assertive Consciousness. You see, spoken words are attached with it varying tones by the speaker. A self-assuring confidence in believing in the validity of content prior to mouthing it actually can do wonders to sounding convincing and unshakeable to your poor opponent. Not advocating deceit here, though!

My self-esteem clamours to be heard.
It's okay, no more pursuits of the untrue.

doodled
XD