I squeeze smiles out of you!

It's an issue of focus also. Thundering blunder!

2007-02-17T03:45:00.000+08:00

Anything about me that's currently shaky and far than perfect - is caused by not aligning mine with God's will. It's a state of my ungrounded purpose and identity.

Priorities.

2007-02-16T17:46:00.000+08:00

Purpose - why do I do/say/think things the way I do/say/think them?

2007-02-13T16:45:00.000+08:00

Don't scratch!!! Time's a-wastin'!!

2007-02-12T04:13:00.000+08:00

A strong identity includes: -
1) perceiving and processing fast;
2) quick-wittedness;
3) the retention of an all-encompassing style in whichever company and environment;
4) a desire to display gratitude via repayment;
5) self-sufficiency;
6) a simplified approach toward life; AND
7) the habitual consideration of opposing perspectives.

My poor eyes will never sleep.
My poor soul will never keep.

Reunion dinner night! All novelty zips off by every day-end.

2007-02-11T03:00:00.000+08:00

Circumstances flash by too fast - it won't suffice to just not be enslaved; I've gotta move faster and win..phew?!

Whata house. The slope-up driveway with 2 parking lots, the 3-D clock, the 'exor-vagant' couch, the embroidered painting, the 2 dining areas, the automated door sensors, the clever vacuum cleaner, the balconies, the movie room, the gym, the 'invisible' infinity pool, the gargantuan rooms, toilets and wardrobes, the remote-controlled blinds, the maze-like corridors, the left and right wings, the neo-modern interior decor and furnishings, the highly sanitized water jets in toilets, the dorky, prodigal giant and the wise, weathered sage. Sheer inspiration. Utter grandeur.

Camaraderie is impeccably one of the strongest sources of my joy. I must therefore become a sociable being.

Of all plans fulfilled and unfulfilled...CHEERS to them all!!~~

2007-01-06T06:34:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I prefer Christmas though..
So sorry that I couldn't spend them both here..but these past 2 weeks of festivities and celebrations have got me absent - but I can justify the cruel negligence. Wait ah...... HOI! I really can hor..

A revelation - with no friends and all the luxuries of life...will I still be living? What really fuels me?

Oh, my computer monitor died - another reason for me being gone for so long (actually the monitor konked out VERY recently heh). And I dunno how long it'll last before it dies again - new monitor..someone!

Me and me peeling off bits of [censored] again - a new compulsive habit?
I am gonna be breaking through to newer grounds - but when exactly?

By the way, I don't like being excluded. But things have got to change. School's coming up and I'm all set!

The wretched soap; the vocals suck.
I don't like looking bad - be it looking incompetent; or losing face...who does, anyway?

The arbitrariness clings on for dear life even in 2007. Who's gonna expect otherwise?

My theme:

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO EVEN PAUSE TO SURVIVE.

Big-scale, tight-scheduled shopping is torturously fulfilling!!~

2006-12-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

The FINER things in life are indeed love and forgiveness.

The enabled and emboldened me thus far - in dreamlike fashion; and with underhand maneuvers.

The deck will be closed.

2006-10-10T16:32:00.000+08:00

How depressing is that. But what am I saying? I don't even have a sense of belonging or of ownership of this place; I'm simply leeching off its benefits. The contributions people make- aren't they actually motivated by minimalist mindsets?

How many times must I stress- "We're not distant laa!!~" The innate faith in us should never be relinquished; it should continually be renewed and strengthened!

Why is it that I keep being unable to awake? My self-improvement regime is utterly foiled in this way..I can't let up!

We've been red, then blue!

2006-10-05T10:39:00.000+08:00

Dear's group's getting bigger- all boys, and no girls!!~ Lol~~!

Today, their secrecy+hostility suddenly made me feel disempowered/insecure- I couldn't put a finger on it as to what I was exactly complaining about though...

Dynamism- my strength reserve; and the joy that propels me ahead.
But again and again I question: how many times do I need to awaken from my 'consolidation' before I grow tired of it (because I don't think I ever will)?

And do I wish to have friends in high places as well, the way he does? Maybe a handful would do just fine... 'connections' is most talked about now, no?

Ahhhh...I'm finally back home to the fluff and the fragrance. The bed awaits my consumption..

A DEAR JOHN LETTER...

2006-10-04T01:34:00.000+08:00

I have been doing this- I relax waaaayyyy too much after each and every stressful phase wanes. And then I find it excruciatingly hard to pick myself up afterward to resume at a comfortable pace in the academic race. Momentum issue.

And, misfortune is really a perception. Bad things will never stop happening. So who are you that you should be exempted from such opportunities? Don't you wanna ace your tests? Don't you wanna make it to the next bigger station?

I am serious in cutting down (all that is detrimental in my life). But this seriousness surpasses any seriousness I've promised myself before. This one involves genuine sacrifice. And a purported joy from within.

And I dare speculate that the taking up of new responsibilities and challenges could just be the gel that sticks my life back into its totality once more. Steps of faith do get you across the gaping abyss, even if it is extraordinary assistance. That invisible structure.

Christos kai Mousik'h!

2006-10-02T00:22:00.000+08:00

Revival is others'!!

But I've my new system in place..of organized drive and of elaborate goals; of a novel outlook and of revamped habits. However the sense of purpose and destination behind this systemic revolution- little to say of it though....

It is because of her I'm becoming more competitive (around her). That's both a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. On the one hand I might see my true self fading away; however on the flipside, relationships are all designed to demand a certain degree of positive character change!

BUT I still feel it's rather unfair that girls should submit to men. I mean, it's this duty of women that guarantees strong relationships, and every man indeed yearns for cooperative partners. That I've no qualms about. But come on, isn't easier to listen up and follow the leader THAN to take the lead and make all the decisions? No? What manner of difficulty is there in having to take the backseat role in the pair, in any relationship? Oh well.

ARGGHHHH. It pains me to keep misplacing my thingggsss. I attach a sentimental value to all my possessions (albeit inanimate) and they're lost they're all losttttttt~~@@@!!!????! Especially my David Tao lyrics booklet and my Nalgene water bottle. What makes it worse- is that they both were gifts from friends and loved ones! Multiple whammies. Sob.

This ain't what love is about- growing old through the ungrowing times.....

There must be a will....to fight to....turn off the computer and all the lights every night before I fall into the gaping mouth of the Z monster!!~

When the novelty of Novelty wears off, what then are you going to do with the vaporizing of earth-bound concepts? Know this- that form follows function. If you have a worthwhile cause, your methods fall into place snugly.

"Ain't nothing better;

We beat the odds together.

I'm glad we didn't listen-

Look at what we would be missing!

They said, "I'll bet they'll never make it,"

But just look at us holding on;

We're still together, still going strong.."

-Shania Twain- You're Still The One

The vices of humanity are plaguing me....But I'm not going to lay my own traps for me anymore!!~ I will tear down fences and break the mould- at all costs~~!!!

Revival is mine too.

My shifty focus. Sacrifice!!~

2006-10-01T03:09:00.000+08:00

I feel so depraved each time it's done.
But haven't you read my will? It's full of determination.

Is it made up- how we made up? I'm just glad we did.

It sure is ok to be laughed at; what exactly is the big deal? No one really remembers anyway, and the glamour really is in remaining dignified through the embarrassment.

We have only got 100 years to live- everything and everybody seems transient and temporal. How often you slip into this conscious realization alters your destiny; death is ultimately your next hurdle.

But we also have learned helplessness, where we don't wanna extricate ourselves from an easy situation because we've been conditioned in the mind to give up trying to escape from a difficult situation, once much longer ago.
Assess yourselves; and admit to it if you need to.

For One More Day...31st!!?

2006-09-30T00:57:00.000+08:00

Think more quickly.

Act more quickly.

React more quickly.

My recovery time has to speed up. Hopefully in the most genuine manner possible too.

The glamorous and alluring snares that all the world's men struggle to get out of:-
1) Lust of the eyes- money.
2) Lust of the flesh- sex.
3) Pride of life- fame.

Mooncake Festival's coming up; and the announcement personnel's stepping up. A thought-eliciting longtimenosee...

You've got to have luck/hardwork/brains/money/talent to make it big here.

2006-09-28T17:04:00.000+08:00

So hazy....on top of that, I've got...

1) en bloc sale ambiguity blues;
2) stressed up with studying (or lack thereof) blues;
3) loss of David Tao's lyrics booklet blues;
4) keep going out with friends and always not at home blues;
5) keep spending money (ktv and birthday celebrations) blues;
6) keep sending friends off at the airport blues;

And friends that become distant over the years aren't treasured as much, until the time they're about to finally fly off... All because of us continually procrastinating our intentions to spend time together with them when they're still around...sobs. How much more should we give our family priority over our friends in time and in energy!

"If I lay here-

If I just lay here,

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told,

Before we get too old,

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

All that I am,

All that I ever was,

Is here in your perfect eyes-

They're all I can see.

I don't know where;

Confused about how as well.

I just know that these things

Will never change for us at all."

-Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

Which one matters more?

2006-09-28T02:42:00.000+08:00

I'd kill for those smooth R&B vocals!!~ Told you Hady Mirza would win, yay!~!!!!

I'm on this rememberingeverything spree: no one can stop me snowballing myself in circlessss......

God again now thrusts His unmistakable, unrelenting standards in your face- what then are you left with to fight it?

My mind's inactive because I'm seh; it didn't feel like I'm actually sitting in a bible study class listening to the lesson. It was a resistance to adapt. But overall, it's really been "The More Than You Think There Is To Life Study"; spanning ten consecutive charming weeks.

No, I'm no Samson, but I destroyed both a lizard and a cockroach in the same toilet one after another this night. No jawbone needed- only Baygon and lots of it..

Had the privilege of ending off my already eventful day(te) today with a wondrous dinner treat from Mr. 21st Birthday Boy!...and surprises just keep springing up for him for the rest of the night..and also throughout the entire week!! If only I could turn back the hands of my clock...hmm..

And although I missed the very happening chalet, I got over the guilt. Because I've made to myself a stern warning once before to not ever get jammed up by condemnation- either from the devil, from myself or from the world. Let's see how long this strength stays...

Those three words said too much; I'm left with just enough.

To get us soaring..!!

Time capsule. Celebration!

2006-09-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

The vitagen and the honey stick..
The zoomy photographs, the fighting couple and the weird bell..
The shirt that was not ironed that did not bother me much..

The lame fair-exchange system..
The life driven by revelation..
The money-generating urges..

What betrayal. What betrayal? Hehe..
Can't wait for the day-long date later on today...not sleeping!!~

The sashaying and the gyrating on the dancefloor,
The strut and the gait and the romp on the street.

The tender tilts and the gentle gestures,

The soft features and the svelte curves.

The sultry stance and the alluring aura,

The gruff voice.

He moves like a lady.

I abhor myself. Roses!!~

2006-09-26T04:02:00.000+08:00

This blood rush that I have to my head, or from it- or whatever feeling it's called whenever I'm recovering from any strenuous or engrossing activity and moving on...it's real hard to shift my focus to the next piece of task that demands my attention and prowess. And then I know how much more I need to brush up on my multi-tasking.

Now, I've become less prone to putting up vehement and competitive arguments with intentions of conquering all who stand in my way in any fiery debate. Perhaps I've seen the need to know exactly where I stand. Maybe you've caused that change. Smiles.

Me and my big mouth- I've gotta keep this wilful and impulsive organ in check, otherwise I'm gonna keep getting myself into unwanted quagmires.
But he's unconditional. And there's been a growing attraction (fused with remnants of a bad past).

Sentosa;
LAN;
Kbox.
Hey, Mr. Packed.
Look at all those winged notes!! But they've gone to good use!!(??) And who's to say it's all good spending? Me, while I splurge and self-console; or the receiving parties (me included) who truly experience satisfaction value?

And I realize I'm open and accepting to people with anomalous sexual tendencies...I really don't have the capacity to despise or condemn them. But that don't mean I tolerate the proximity and intimacy!

It's time I stamp out any form of owing. My bank for instance. That has indeed been a tragic depletion of finances there. I'll start with settling that.

Our 'old place' makes me start to wander off into reminiscence. And it's a dreamlike realm, I tell you. Where you miss everything and want to relive all that you've once let go. I miss the niceties of speech; I miss the carefree childhood; I miss the misty memories....

At times, I just can't feel. It's not a wrong thing per se; but it kind of causes me to stagnate in a void I've created on my own, liking to be bound by illusory shackles. And when the reverse happens- when I cannot ask for greater warmth and fuzz....I relish the joy and bask in all its goodness and then I forget to come down to earth.
2 things primarily:-
a) I have been repressing me. And... it had to take me till now to admit and acknowledge that!
b) There's really strength in vulnerability- how else can you be lifted up if you ain't down first?

But if I react quick- based on His accord, I'd realize that He's always been saving. Whatever am I lamenting and mourning about then?

Like I said, I've gotta react faster when I think, speak and act. Sometimes it only applies to one of the 3 but the decision still takes root (of course not foregoing effectiveness and propriety)...
Moreover I can't help it if I have made certain impression stains already..tomorrow I can learn to make up/move along- fly away from worries, and the like.

All alone and grown up.

2006-09-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

The Thai political tempest has had profound effects. Namely being a killjoy to my/our future Samui plans!

Waking up so late was uncalled for but... I was watching Oprah Winfrey: America's Debt Diet, and I must say I was pretty inspired. Yet again, it's another one of those supernaturally timed, personally relatable reminders.

SI: I want Hady Mirza to win not only to repeat something racially prophetic, but also because he's so vocally arresting.
Criss Angel Mindfreak was a rerun, but nevertheless an entertaining treat too. Not to mention educational.

My Dear's become my prized possession. Even more so ever since I changed my handphone wallpaper- every time I look at her pout, my heart melts and wants to fly toward her. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you. Samui for honeymoon instead? And let me play among the stars...

When my mum left for Genting this morning, I had been feeling like I'm in a foreign land the entire day...depending on myself, self-sufficient and all. Groceries, food, chores- all settled at my own time and target. My home can't get any smaller than this.. Shrunken to the max.

What's happened to Tension? And Backstreet Boys? The whole boyband era I so sorely miss. Or perhaps I'm just in my ol' reminiscent frame of mind. Fly me to the moon. And back.

(Push-ups have hurt. Till now. Looks like I'll have to take the rest for some more days before I take off again on this arduous yet worthwhile regime.)

Now I can live again...

2006-09-21T00:44:00.000+08:00

It's like I'm shut off from this particular domain- what you starve will atrophy; what you feed will thrive.

This circle I've gotta break out of; but content in it I've always been.

Joy accomplishes what grace establishes.

Truth pervades my space.

My, my. Convoluted EQ make-up there. But don't we all struggle our asses off one way or another in that aspect?

Fragile boy.

2006-09-19T22:42:00.000+08:00

Last night I bumped into Vincent Ng at Beer Garden.

And I keep being ridden with contentious issues.

Tonight I'm testophobic. But it's all passivity toward it.

Stoke it up.

2006-09-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

Sat- The heart wants what it wants. And I'm dealing with some midday laziness. I've made a promise to Him; now is the time for righteousness. But I still can't help but put the obedience issue through some serious scrutiny. WHY MUST I LISTEN??!!

For now, everything's starting to turn beautiful; even the simplest pleasures catches my eye, and I'm appreciating the existence of every single day and all it can offer. I almost don't take to offence at all, and I'm overjoyed with each extra step I take.

And now I'm also trying to be organized and prepared way before I set off every time- every night before I go out the next day, I make it a point to pack the things I need to bring along. But that sure doesn't help me being sofa-ed almost every night, even more than half the week, every week.

Sun- My tiredness is definitely not an excuse; but it felt like I was under a trance, with no access whatsoever to my thoughts and intentions. Scary! A gulf between my will and my mind....struggling to stay focused. The spirit simply lost the fight because of the blockage..

We all find new forces to purposefully move us along from time to time. Any prevalent motivations we live by must be of the right spirit, unpopular and unattractive as they sometimes might be. So the question begs: is it enough then for our motivating forces to just help get us to places and attain our aims, even if they get unscrupulous (but convenient)? A tug-of-war between thinking too much; and even lifting a finger to act- ensues on the inside of me.

I always ask, don't people's enthusiasm ever run dry? Here I am ravaged, trapped and wearied by my insignificant thoughts and trivial emotions thinking that there's no point hoping for a better day tomorrow; while other high-achievers out there who have to juggle many more responsibilities and commitments all at once can still manage an uplifting attitude and an energetic gait?!!

I want to see in myself renewed attitudes each morning, every day of my life. Refreshed inspiration; strengthened dreams.

Mon- I start to understand my work ethic and style. I practice 'stress preference', because I know I like to leisurely read about interesting sciences and studies, and get myself immersed in the realm of novels and plays; BUT I don't fancy studying these for tests and exams. The friendly creatures of the readings and the gentle caricatures of the texts suddenly all morph into beasts and demons breathing down my neck!

The weapons: confidence, discipline and diligence.
The mission: develop these qualities through the deliberate forcing out of good habits.

I know I need not fret- I perform better that way. I know I also have to sidestep any priority-competitors.

(David Tao rules!!~ Jay Chou alsoooo... and SHE'S STRONGER THAN ME, I'll admit.)

Writing a time letter...

2006-09-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

Desiring to be sucked out of this traphole's hold. And that traphole. And that. And that. And that.. Haaa. I really can't- on my own.

Suffering from restless and unsteadfast fascinations. What's my true niche? What was that about my destiny shining? Worry till 12!

School- I'm no longer enjoying it but stressing up about it. Always unprepared and still doing a little less than the bare minimum. Freaking me out.

What do I make of this thing called chauvinistic chivalry? That's like the most concise construct of my capricious cast.

CELEBRATION!!~

2006-09-12T00:04:00.000+08:00

Oh my, my blog's very own first anniversary. Momentous and defining!!~ And a day after the 911 attacks too...?

Yet....

It was a wasted...albeit enriching day!

I slept more than half the day away, but managed to squeeze in some fun into what remained of the day. I had a laidback and carefree "seabreeze picnic dinner on a newspaper"- at my sis's new den, with herself and her hubby. It totally got me back to down-to-earth, simplistic and appreciative living.

Which, in turn reminds me of my home- it's getting emptier. But it's also a cause for greater cherishing and honouring! Wow.

(I've been stretching my moral threshold beyond its capacity- I don't know how much longer it can hold out....)

Eve of the anniversary. Erratic urge to get warmly acquainted with others.

2006-09-11T01:55:00.000+08:00

I tend to use words loosely, so please pardon how sometimes I don't say what I mean. Or mean what I say. My lack of attention to watch the connotation and intonation of my words vex both others and myself alike. Also the source of many misunderstandings and quarrels. Unpleasant, yet habitual. But in the end, constructive remedies always prevail, but seldom am I the reason!

I'm victimized under the tortoise-and-hare principle: you stay closer to an appointment venue= you get complacent and leave at a later time....AND you reach later than those who live farther away.

I also am held captive and am manipulated by an influx of thoughts all the time.

This is one:-
And with an objective-approach mechanism fitted to the ear, every negative intonation attached to others' words that can potentially trigger off fights- will all be filtered out, and so we become slow to anger. "Hear the heart, not just the words.."
So I've still got to speak clearer, and plan better. An imperative command.

Really simple syndication. Someone tell me what's that.

Admiration only for my good ol' pops. Sacrificial provision. Compels me to give some quality payback.

This joy today has flowed through my veins. Bonus quality in parties? I've seen how others have all jumped on the bandwagon and that feels warm on the inside of me. But drifting away irks me so bad. Like every reunion is another redevelopment of all familiarity from square one again.

When I can't let go, I know my ego is protesting for justification. Confess!...till liberated.

My lack of sleep gets me helplessly distracted in the midst of me solemnly concentrating.

Sigh, what to do... I'm still wriggling free from thoughts that choke my will from flexing its muscles.

When you sometimes catch me shooting off my mouth, all impromptu and non-stop, I'm speaking from the depths of my being...and it's beautifully heartfelt. Bursting with supernatural articulation and truth. Just like a farewell thankyou; a death request; a 21st birthday speech. This side of me- light years away from who I'm always like. But I desperately aspire to be like this all the time. Consciously.

Of lost ring scares and nose bleeds.

2006-09-10T03:49:00.000+08:00

I learnt today that it is always easier to believe we've lost. But the truth is that we're just defeating ourselves by opening up to deception. Oh well, all hail reminders! Also, the soulish, fleshly realm are really spirit blockages. It's true- I don't know what I really (truly; from the spirit) wanna say to God right this instant, even if I planned a list, or even if I'm all psyched up and prepared for it. I guess only then does our spirit commune with God..nothing else.

I learnt today how to give and more importantly, receive love freely. It is such a must.
Treasure and cherish those who are close like they are going to leave (so sad- the ex-boss); and of course those who are leaving. Demonstrate that urgency with relentless zeal, and keep that sustained for good. For if it's not cheesy and out of character for at least one time, it'll forever stump and shut you up. And use truth+tact like a Sandwich, cos some will surely shun.

The Renewal Of Love Day= conscious efforts to make every day the first day. Choice it!

Honey, honey... Cheery!!~
Talk nicely.

En bloc sale, to no avail.

2006-09-09T01:40:00.000+08:00

When have I last treated my God as friend to me?!! I can't, and won't chiong through the stages of the relationship-progression. If reestablishing is needed, I will do just that; and whatever it takes to climb up the rungs once more. The goal of refreshing and fulfilling fellowship is the dynamo.

And that takes genuine learning. I'm turning toward that rapidly!

On a lighter note....
I seem to thrive by a lack of structure! Hence the modules I've chosen to take up over this semester are mostly free from form; devoid of any kind of externally impressed work pressure or a tangibly concrete work load.
Or maybe it's just the deep-ridden culture of independent self-reliance that this faculty operates in. Or maybe it's just because it's FASS and not Engineering or Science. Or maybe it's just the study pace of my 3-day week I'm always bragging about. Or maybe it's just my lack of self-motivation to FIND what needs to be done. It's me, really. My passive, lazy self taking over.

But for lack of structure, sorry I digressed, I just love it when debates and arguments do not see resolutions or closures- and are left hanging, open for more unright-unwrong comments; an OTOT target board where the bull's eye is anywhere you deem fit. Why define and appraise and dissect and aim for value-addedness all the time? The beauty is in churning out more and more angles of approach and transcending space and time, and defying sense and logic. Why ask 'why' then, when there's going to be another 'why' that follows the first answer derived? Who even decides whether your opinion is truth?
Kudos to Philosophy classes.

Oh my, that switch was sinister.
But God, I really want my will refortified.
Do You love holiness because it's good; or is it good because You love it?

The audacity of it all! Every week, a new excuse. Every week, the mercury rises. How long more do we have to wait?!!

Sick.

2006-09-08T05:33:00.000+08:00

My heavy flow- it prevents me from bending over.
(My severe runny nose keeps getting mucus all over my clothes and stationery)
AND IT GETS ME CHEESED OFF.

The sneezing and the runny nose (from a dust allergy due to a weak immune system due to a lack of sleep); the coughing and the raspy voice (from a sore throat due to a low resistance to oily and heaty foods due to a lack of sleep); the stomach upset (from a vulnerability to spicy food due to a lack of sleep); and my heavy head, aching trunk and limbs (due to a lack of sleep) have all enjoyed their stay within me.

So... I have been sleeping the day away, and taken some medication; keeping to mild, soupy foods and hot drinks. Energy's bouncing on the inside of me now! But is this going to aggravate my current condition? "Sleep is not stored in a bank," and yes, however, sleeplessness sure is.

Forgetting is easy. But who said life was easy?
And this ain't livin' like me. So I remember...but effectively, appropriately and pertinently!!
And I've been taught to FEEL.

Walk away.

2006-09-06T00:50:00.000+08:00

I'M ON MY OWN. I just stumbled upon this haystack. And I hate to brave a fierce torrent.
But look! God is back. Phew. There is a reason for everything. You are, therefore I am. If you want, then I will- long term benefits.

Seeds of misappropriated nonchalance and insensitive absent-mindedness are embedded in the recesses of my soul. I need more conditioning. Positive confession! Influential company! Argh. See, I'm losing the use of my tender gentleness; and my control of mindful precision is maimed.

It's sad- everyone's got their own path to walk on in the end. It all starts out as a clearing where all lives intersect and everyone interacts. The sharing ends at each of life's sporadic exits and the participants take their leave, splitting up. But truncate all you want, if you want. The remerging tastes pointless. This is a scrutiny of why we walk the direction we do. A divine compass?

Oh and I have to really invest in some clarity... In my speech and behaviour. It irks big time..to always be that lesser half.
With task-oriented tenacity, I bore through an unfeeling tessellation of faces.

What a bad day!

2006-09-05T03:07:00.000+08:00

It's funny how the very day itself loses its original flavour and intensity, now looking at it on hindsight. But it was truly screwy la. Dull planning and myopic defences.

It's just like either old wine in new wineskins or new wine in old wineskins, both seem to make sense in their own right- I'm moving forward and I want to move forward and I can't stop moving forward and it seems like I'm moving forward; yet I'm still just running on a treadmill with the scenery all around me..moving on a conveyor belt. I'm building strength and stamina though!

I've formulated a 12 am theory for myself- whether or not I like it, conflicts are to be resolved before 12am each day; and personal cares and struggles have to either reach a closure, otherwise they are to be discarded as rubbish...ALL done before my 24 hours per day is up. This way, I inject the motivation needed to summon and maximize all the joy in life I can feast upon.

This is just one of my many self-devised and prototypic ''moving-on forms of relief'' regimes.

Adopted personas- part of my blooming standing.

2006-09-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

The six coins each from Redang and Bangkok. 50 sen and 11 baht respectively.
The 260806; 0948; $7.21.

Christina Aguilera's euphemism- "Oh Mother, Have Mercy On Me. When I'm Without You, it Makes Me Wanna Pray."

God, Your word speaks louder than this world. It just has to. It just does.

My will is weak but my spirit is willing. Almost paradoxical! I'm a male, that's why. But I shan't abuse my biological make-up as a convenient excuse.

All I've said...is the information imparted from an advanced source that is travelling back in time right now- in a not so magical way...

My fatigue level makes me all featherweight. Especially in the head..and all its aches.

I wish I would not see any of my dynamism waning (it doesn't have to at all).
I know my identity is not the least bit weakened (I'm setting into my mould).
I have got to pick up quick after any ego trips (my clarity keeps me in focus).

Replete with reprieve..days upon days..from 290906.

2006-09-02T02:00:00.000+08:00

The shame of it all. This lifestyle of depravity. But no one distant remembers this disgrace, nor do they even remember the compulsory biodata, or bother to do the timely update-exchange.

My right to The Union is not yet granted, granted. But this searing need...God is good- but distant to me now...

These stages of relationships- how we always flippantly skip through some and audaciously welcome ourselves indiscriminately. And unconsciously too.

Learned about the dethroning of Pluto as a planet. And now, there's the uncanny occurrence of both Earth's moon and Mars appearing in the night sky as twin moons?!

As David Tao put it (something I cannot put across as a sound enough argument), you're just too beautiful. Smiles.

BEP and PM Lee's collaboration REALLY HAS A NICE RING TO IT. Wahahahaha..

The whole feeling of rejection and low self-worth is really just a pack of lies from disruptive forces. Its presence sometimes spurs me on to tilt more toward proactive optimism.

Ahhhh..still love the old phone. Or rather I miss it. I love my new one better. But what's up with the rising need for new toys? I'm still easing myself into fully utilizing all of my new K800i's fascinating functions and features. Not to mention adapting to the different keypad-interface directive structure.

My new msn nicks always serve to reveal my sudden awareness of stale epiphanies, and nothing more. If only there were one all-encompassing, age-proof identity that sets me beaconing away..

What to do- girls are naturally more critical so their appraisal criteria of EVERYTHING is also much more stringent and elaborate. People's good looks; fashion; food; the arts. Almost nothing escapes their top-notch sieve. Evaluations are largely reliable. Or so says this girl from my OG...

But I do know one thing for sure about the fairer sex.. that their will power is definitely more stable and abiding then us guys. Just somehow, in some way..a biological or psychological make-up about them?

Then there are some who say reality is a tragic place. They are those who hate trying --> failing. Or even the handful who also avoid trying --> succeeding. I'm going to be the third kind- lazy and idle to exit fantasy bubbles...

Are there contradictions here? -->
1) "There is no one truth."
2) 'Surd': meaning both the apparent opposite of 'absurd'; and being an irrational number also.
Haha!

I'm pushing that my Philosophy module= sleep? What's the Premise and the Conclusion here? Divinity= an engineering problem? My shtick is to dissect that ostensibly myopic bigotry.. plus with GOD IS NOW HERE and GOD IS NOWHERE and all that perspective jazz that's cramming our brains all our days and all our lives, the secular necessity to delve into Philosophy and the perpetual debate on the gods and their exclusivity- just co-exists so much with my own beliefs I hope nothing dear erodes.
Perspectives shall not suffice as a fluid truth. Truth: stating that which is, is; and that which is not, is not...is The Immutable Rock. No one's gonna hurt from my general interest in making claims and arguments about Philosophy within the context of my academia, right? As my dad put it so subtly and intricately but full of fervour and conviction, "God helps those who make an effort to help themselves."

This tummy discomfort- a cautionary reminder of my irresponsible eating habits?

The world's taken for granted the significance of pre-planned appointments; they're now all agreeable with sudden changes, equipped with contingency plans awaiting a flashy brandishing. If only it was easy to predict last-minute cock-ups. This unpredictability has become such a trend it's like second nature to us. Conveniently pangseh someone then go do something else you value more. Or get pangsehed, then matter-of-factly go find something else to do instead. I'm old-fashioned? I behave like this too!

I hate having to deal with memories that are forever lost- either through my slothful forgetfulness and/or engrossing indulgences...I then console myself that the loss is all meant to be! Mementos from meaningful and memorable events; or time capsules like this blog of mine thus mean so much to me. I don't mind having to clear accumulated backlogs of all my accounts of old.

My second semester will unfurl soon... By then I aspire to be a better manager of my time and finances. And the then chick will learn to find food for itself more and more.
But for now, my mum has been faithful and angelic all along...I'm grateful beyond what writing alone can do justice to convey. But I'm sure it's all just on a while-stocks-last basis.

If there's only one point in history I'm feeling a particular way, I don't mind that sensory excitement! Ok, but the urge for joining is like the life-defining wrong choice to make. Oh, please help me find more motivational deterrents..
(My existential sutures are giving way. To rawer, more fragile ones.)

"Forever and ever."

2006-08-31T22:06:00.000+08:00

Oh how much I ache at the act of using hard money.

My frame of mind has not changed- maybe an even greater entity framing up my perception of the surroundings is what needs to see a bigtime overhaul.

Don't you all sense it? The concept of Atmosphere- whenever you step into different environments, the general mood of that particular setting, be it the school or church or army camp, even within the numerous cliques we all have....they all carry with them a distinct vibe and air about them... The lingo, the culture, the inclinations, the influence. The trick here is to shift and adapt before they get you in- captive.

I'm having this done right before August ends. I'd actually intended to give myself a month's break over the entire month of September, but that means I'll miss this blog's first-year anniversary. So I'll still update it next month. My blood flows through this, you know.

So what's the big deal, I've been busy asleep.

I've got my struggles and commitments getting me down in the worst possible way. In addition, I've got negative externalities spinning me round and round. I can't even begin to capture the tragic reality of it in here....you feel disappointed and exasperated and confused and overwhelmed. And when you're swimming in mercury, trust me, you can't see the pool end even if it's a metre away. But the point is you still reach the end. However, my route taken was one of numb and hopeless desperation, like bashing through pitch black and thick vegetation. Arduous battle till no end.

My opinions all have their basis, and I'm glad I'm clear about them now. BUT this doesn't give me the right to be unruly and insensitive. And proud and fake.
Everything I let pass by me is trivial and unworthy. Everything's passable in my eyes. Except those larger than life issues that need some quality addressing.

This is why I'm moving on...to lead. In teensy ways first; then biggies way later. Lead= serve though!

There're so many lapses of events in between my blog entries. I've grown resigned to the fact that not everything can be comfortably seized at the reach of a hand, or accounted for with the luxury of time; that I must either: work on time management and retain the consistency of my blog posts, OR quit fighting to need to get everything down in print all the time.

I have to be clear. I can't do that.

My lack of sleep rules with an iron fist. Fireworks and BBQs have always had special places in my heart.

If you are not confused, then you have not been paying attention.

2006-08-22T05:25:00.000+08:00

I have not been having the luxury of time for this. For so long now, I have been dealing with Nurture.

All that I have been busy with, my cache here misses. But I have got records, albeit deficient in character.

My every breath- violated by bliss that thickly encompasses. The newness of this haven enthralls me once more.

Good and bad quivers. A moral siren from the future.

2006-08-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

Official. Now everything is shared. Since tonight only?
What you wanna believe you will blurt out and no one can fault you for that.

I've been missing things all the time- moving on is like getting used to it. The mood is not what motors love. Sometimes I'm not in a bad mood; I'm just stoned. What's so difficult to understand about that?!

If the temperature tonight's 0 degrees Celsius, and it's twice as cold tomorrow- how cold is it tomorrow?

1. The warmth and fuzz of those lovey-dovey thangs.

2. Altruism- ideal? Nah, gotta wield the skills to face this ugly world.

3. Romance under the incandescent void above us.

4. Hoped and prayed and getting it all my way.

But upon waking up...I find myself asleep all over. Eating till I keep getting hungry again.

And I'm not talking about fatigue or hunger.
The will in the human make-up is where all decisions in life take their reference from. Also in it resides all those invisible forces that zoom us ahead, or drag us backward.

"The shit will confirmed be brown! Thanks though.."

2006-08-09T12:58:00.000+08:00

Made a box and a dinosaur over these past few days. Learning more than I ever could elsewhere. But do I honestly want to keep up this level of interaction; or am I really about to be all-accepting and see a morphing in my standing? Self-actualization via this fusion? The mind wants input but the heart resents. Peel off my layers now- I'm not like this! It scares me how I'm actually fighting this innate reflex to oppose competition- when it's all really just an undefiled cooperation that blissfully uplifts and fulfills all strata of my being!

Doubt sometimes wakes you up to assess from the outside.

I can confidently justify and substantially legitimize my every word and deed.
But there's still a big deal about the different air about leaders and people in positions of authority. I find that they possess a respectable trait...this mystery about their unfathomable depths which I can't concretely point to- it makes them giants in their own right. The good ones I mean. But in NS? The good ones are so rare that they're even closer to my heart.

Whata three days of FOP '06! Reaped a harvest indeed.

The inception of defection.

2006-08-07T01:09:00.000+08:00

My rhema. My rules. In Word. And in Spirit.

The task now- to get words to jump up at me. Think thick-accented man. And angelic uncle.

My Dad's words of wisdom and conviction had brought across that admiration and respect usually associated with the universal son-to-father kinship.

Inspired...but destined to be expired. The endless search thereafter- for newer synergy sources.

It's dawned on me- love reaching the rich or the poor should come in differing quantities and be administered in various styles..customized. ALSO so, the rich and the poor show their love in their very own special way; and neither can ever be accused of loving less. If they're of love. That's why when you've put in the effort with whatever resources that you do have, you don't gotta be outwardly extravagant to impress the one who truly loves you. This is quality love for; and from.

Eventful day. But still out of firm grasp is the mastery of negotiating past the Self. I sometimes maim me from moving along smooth and cool.

Remorse but when have I never made it up to others and to myself? In due time..in due time.
The restoration's begun. And those words should jump at you.

But I've always wanted to know where I really am. Even when I do/think I do.

I love you and there's nothing you can do about it.

2006-08-06T01:35:00.000+08:00

Gotta stop being hu2 tu2...no excuse!! And getting myself tardy all the time is still sticking like glue (wake-up calls depreciate drastically in value)..

AND I GOT MYSELF SCATHED. Either due to the heaty quality of foods I've ingested over the past days; or cos of a one-time thing when I gobbled and stuffed down tidbits. The inner walls of my lower gums are now ravaged to rawness.

The intensity of the conversations we have had thus far, over recent days- have all been pseudo-hellish. Raised tones and ugly intents communicate the entire display of outtalking and gaining satisfactory shuttingups from the each other. What cracks of discord these all are! What a wily choreography.
But am I turning bitter? Is the devil surviving somewhere still?? Orchestrations. But we still bored through the mire. Because true love works its way through divisive tendencies too....

Good fortune is actually God's grace at work. And that said- my parents' grace included also.

What inferiority always means to me is the inability to rise above a self-conceived handicap. And this is why I've my understanding God for me to love and relate to. In a sense of totality-coverage.

I've to say.... the famous guy simplistically ministering songs of peace, joy and gratitude in our midst- should never ever see his work get despised, because the very foundations that shape our beliefs has been needing, and will always need that constant sustenance and nurturing; and a familiarity-maintenance.

I think everyone has the propensity to be amiable and good-natured- none of us is ever a cold and rural island unable at all to care and joke about.. You'll just have to know which buttons to push...for each and every individual there are distinctive (and sometimes obscure) sets of them.

Inklings of temptation are stealthily seeping back in. My spiritual epiphanies really hold no water with little or no motivation from the outside...but I personally recognize my deep longing to grow close now.
But at this threshold of my new beginnings, once again I need to rely on more than just an outburst of wild emotive forces to spur me on in this gruelling and daunting mission. The cheese of my words man.

Thank the harmonious, multi-religious society we're all in. This is not a thought that I've generated NOW per se, but Being righteous as opposed to Being justifiable can both tear up a person's soul, especially when either way both clothe themselves in paramount credibility and are enthroned in alluring fashion. Justice versus mercy? It's a tie. Some days are Sundays for each one.

On with the everything'sfineandIdon'tmind mantra. It's situation-based, some quip. It's essential for AppropriateFocus, others boom.

My lack of sleep. I've resigned to let it hang around longer.

Words are never enough. They kill my most genuine of expressions of my innermost state- the very moment they appear on this screen, or the exact second they leave my lips.

Sponge-mode urgently needed. 3 walkovers!

2006-08-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

Clarity. Stemming from an organized lifestyle and some systematic planning. Those late nights and early mornings of packed days make for a whelming drowning-out of any personal and family time at home.

So I've to enjoy any free time I'm left with with sacred cherishing. Gratitude at its zenith. My joyous mood in all its raving splendour! But I'm so tired every day. Awaiting Conscientiousness as second nature to me.

I have a problem- I keep screwing people up; but rest assured I'm essentially nice. THE LU4 CHI1.

There's really a particular, unique spirit behind every song.
I'll forget, okay? Because things that are forgotten are perhaps meant to be left forgotten. The energy to go on.

And I've seen the need to have this nothing-to-gloat-about attitude. Because I direct all attention to the thanking of God...

Because when I'm calm and patient I am undividedly engrossed, then I get spun off my feet by externalities that require simultaneous attention. And because turning up the tempo by handling many matters at hand altogether extrapolates to lack of order and defamation of image, the tradeoff lacks one breakeven point. Focus and control.

When you've prayed every prayer you know how to pray, you'll reach your end.
You're then humbled and become led aside from all your cares and fights.
You are challenged to look beyond your Memories- to the Faith paradigm.
You then quiver at the beauty of those blessings that you cannot see.

You will have to stop awhile and see;

I return you who you are to me.

The eye suffers still. Lively by discretion.

2006-08-04T09:46:00.000+08:00

Bidding is fun- it's all a mental struggle. And I'm late for OWeek now.

Packing work and school and leisure appointments every day of this week might be a little of a far-fetched stretch but the beauty of it all is not minding the sense of loss and lack of directional focus.

I don't mind things not going my way, Murphy's got to be put to shame....
But it could all be part of this Pinnacle-mood I'm basking in.

I have a problem..many indeed. And the competition to self-improve with a someone who is miles ahead of me in the racing arena of quality propriety and high-end decorum- is somewhat disgraceful yet at the same time motivating. The previous night's delirious eloquence- from the heart.

And.
I feel that over the span of weeks upon weeks of no active introspection; over quick-shifting scenes and passages of a transitional period in life, I've grown to be a freshie again to this virtual realm of a release avenue and a stigmatic self-indulgence.

Cut these. And forget. Move on for sharper, and more holistic shots.

Within your sphere of cognition.

2006-08-03T17:10:00.000+08:00

The ultimate representation of triggers and how I just turn all berserk at them. My absent-mindedness, my disorganized lifestyle, my lack of focus and my indecisiveness. This new doorway doesn't really take too well to such traits.

These past few days have displayed how, as rash and impulsive as I might sometimes be, certain counter-reactions from others to my quirky behaviour; particular evolving circumstances; and my very own responses to patterns I'm familiar with, which I have to contend with and soon after violently shake off.

Smelly and mismanaged. Utter disgrace- finances and time and health and hygiene and belongings and relationships.

But creeping up on me is some soft-heartedness and heaps of good fortune.

Just dropping by....

2006-08-01T06:04:00.000+08:00

Throngs of people. Thrusting baggageloads of materials into your hands. Undivided attention; unrelenting approach.

I didn't want to look lost.

Mal 2:16

2006-07-30T05:23:00.000+08:00

Fragile moments. Of so little time spent. All bad forms of enjoyment. On a nondefilement regime of purity and conscientiousness. I'm relaxed- looking to my next resting shelter. I've got to stop any more new cliques; they're all getting hard to manage.

The refreshingly different emptying-me-out makes me look back at tight clutches reluctantly.

Gathering moss.

2006-07-27T02:00:00.000+08:00

The hiatus came and went; now I've seen almost all.

Whatever I've failed to capture, I set free to fly far.

All that's meant to stay will eventually be- perhaps.

The tenacity meanders and fluctuates. Can all that I throw toward my newfound direction prove to be trustworthy material? Will I be that worthy steward? Will lives surrounding me take note and stop in their tracks? Should this influx of maturity be compartmentalized, allocated to consistently engulf all other arenas of livelihood?

From Friday till now....NUS. Home. Home. Harry's. Partyworld. Church. Settlers. Church. Esplanade. NUS. Punggol SeaSports Club. Siglap. Home. CDC. PasarMalam. Johor Bahru. And every single person I didn't get to notice; every little occurrence I didn't get to analyze, I now omit and nullify cheerily.

I then turn and declare to myself this: spicks and specks of us humans right here have got far better things to fret about than a plain absence of colourful details. It's far worse out there- outside of here.

2006-07-26T02:20:00.000+08:00

Caught between 2, both sick. Aching all over. Impaired and impaled.

Time to revert back from all the laughing and raised spirits..

Zero three zero eight.

2006-07-21T02:10:00.000+08:00

The pressure is back. I never knew him closely. The call came from. The distance. The utter disbelief at a lie. The supreme ability to forget and focus. The person matters above all. The checked eye. The first signs of a dollar reservoir. The hyperactive overdrive switch. The dilemma. The anxiety. The pain. THE LIE??

Remember me this way..if we hold on together.

2006-07-20T02:15:00.000+08:00

Dabble with magic...and grapple with its loss.

Today, we witnessed alot of stunning connections. Stumbled upon astounding revelations. Encountered numerous dazzling tickles. Blame it all on the cloudy perception resulting from consecutive long nights.

I LIKE. My latest approach to all that surrounds me.
And I simply adore thrashing things out. It's my mature man taking over. Moods of 21.

The eye scavenges the interface for more open doors.
The body clock is in need of early day starts soon.

True sacrifice doesn't forget all the nitty-gritty's.

2006-07-19T00:20:00.000+08:00

The days have expanded in length to fill our voracious appetites as hunters. The far and deep reaches of one's character surfaces through the test of working together.
Will the finale all pay off? Tiredddd.

M.I.A. means My Island Adventures.
Frames of mind from preceding circles of friends do see their remnant influence on fresh-approached cliques.

But if I don't care about what people think and say, I've made contact with the state of being Present. Which is all about thoroughly enjoying those present blessings of today; and simultaneously not disregarding the stress-inducing blows but handling them as a mature professional. (Today, science+art..)

YMWM AGAIN?!!? It feels so much like I'm having a decreasing amount of time on my hands each day. Even as I pick up my pace to try zooming ahead of time, there will always be cracks and loopholes I might forget or overlook. Need practise to attain mastery.....

Funding issues are an exception. Let there be opportune times to siam where possible, and not out of goodwill nor out of compulsion.

Opportunities- please drop. Eyes, please spot. Personality's dot- stick and stay, but don't you stop.

So the clear mind's gotta kick in- but when exactly? When I'm an onlooker or a participant? And lately, the push to get things done spurs me on. Competition- a force to be reckoned with.

The world needs harmonizers.

2006-07-18T00:27:00.000+08:00

The contradictory story about the freshie councillor issue that I'm going to fight for.
Multi-tasking comes naturally to people who are good managers.

I realize I have been having fun; but from an outsider's point of view. Not absent where I should be.

"BUHUI!!"
"But there's only enough for one bird.."

The laughing shoppers laughed in delirium because of sleep deficiency.

And I've got to get accustomed to conversing like there's no other person around, even though that third person around is someone I'm close to as well.

What do you call that raw surging drive with dynamic productivity- that just lacks that spot-on initial footing and subsequently the precise direction towards an ultimate jackpotting?
You Yong Wu Mou.

Conduit.

2006-07-17T01:55:00.000+08:00

Imagine you see someone who'd never break, break.

The club and the club brought pleasure and pain!

The welcome back home was one of alienation in familiarity.
The upcoming departure will be like a postcoital wetblanket.

My contingency period has seen more than just a dramatic truncation.
To err is taboo now.

The need for being in the midst of quality company and activities, and my own selfish indulgences- they congest my life. Till my life is no longer what you see as an identifiable beacon.

The cost of passing up the next best choice when making any decision...

2006-07-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

You run your mouth like there's no tomorrow.
That's why when you get uncomfy, then you get energetic.

Which place hasn't been conquered? More improbable places!
This mild-mannered attraction kills my alter-egos.

My making things happen through lack of morale brews awareness.

So goes this reason for all that's in my life.

So I've got to put more thought into:-
1) thematic phases and all of their significances;
2) pulling out of swampy mucks of lifestyle flaws; &
3) what's more fulfilling; and which centre should it engage?

Life's CCAs. 45.0 was heart-stopping.

2006-07-13T02:10:00.000+08:00

Trueblue molting experience. That's good....
Kokboonkrup! Poor but filled.

Wretchethewi exposure lesson. Well & good-
But they're all gonna sit and stay.

My true self in all its different shades.
Wisened up from all sticky idling.

Barraged by mountainous burdens;
Inundated with more lovely getaways.

The raid. Pilferer or epicurean?

2006-07-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

Proud of my every brilliant act and achievement. Just hafta be.
Great time trio-ing together. Wanting those else now. Splitting.

Coined so many pet phrases. Ate much to sleep little.
Threw away funds like water. Heaped on mountains.

Jaded and needing home.
Usurped and feeling stoned.

The dawn of my sheer love for overseas travel.

2006-07-11T03:52:00.000+08:00

At this point, I'm sure over the hype of World Cup. I lost okay? No more late nights cos of soccer anymore. For other reasons, yes still.

Zidane, you made it work for you man. With those hits and misses. You still won it.

And the fact that I'm still up at 4am Singapore time just goes to prove my absolute fanaticism over this lovely place.

Great England, Holing. Nothing a Thesaurus/Dictionary cannot do, actually.

Slotted in.

2006-07-10T01:56:00.000+08:00

I'm doing the impossible! Greetings from Diamond City Hotel, Bangkok! Nice facilities, this 3-star hotel....

Spent more than half of my funds, with another 3 days left nearly cashless. Argh..
Also stomaching this wretched stomach flu.

A real eye-opener. A far, far cry from Singapore's confined and limited playing space and time.

I wanna come here ALL THE TIME~!!!!!

Okay World Cup '06 Finals. Bye.

Newest phase..why are we even confined to phasic developments?

2006-07-08T03:11:00.000+08:00

Mon- the world's biggest choc bar cannot be eaten. Worked the pockets, and the limbs (after a very long time). Love and concern here; and coming soon.

Tue- Bangkok Bunch, here we come! Settlers Cafe (and Daawat Tandoori) are must-gos again. Miss the whole Bad Bunch! Cars all around. Happy scores.

Wed- how many times must I guess right? Mad World Cup. Slept. And talked in comfort. 125 at Newton Circus caused the fever? Drove and talked in peace?

Thu- loveliest day of all- though smudgy and lethargic. Bought; ate; watched; joined; snapped; laughed. Dawn of work again? It can ALWAYS happen to us.

Fri- can't meet everyone then never mind- why fret. Slept in high temps. Woke to the greatest time with the CG EVER. Bolster hugged; calls barred. Care(s).

I believe our lives should never be about waves of rising and dipping- good and bad mood swings; cyclical changes between poverty and prosperity; peaks and abysses of elation and melancholy; the constant switching of predatorial and victimized roles, you get the idea. It has been a vicious circle of vision enslavement that few, over the years, have dared to stay out of.

It should all be one chunk of this concoction: epiphanies after epiphanies of truth and emergence; the pleasures of extravagant luxuries upon the euphoria of simplistic beauties; both gradual and abrupt build-ups of grace and joy; inundation and stampedes of some genuine and sincere FUN. Life's all about FUN and compromising on this entails a squandering of Life itself.

Not to leave out Peace and Integrity in this wild concoction of mine. They move and shake all our bodies in a vigorous, yet subtle manner. Their presence should more than be felt; their existence much to shout about. Maturity demands it. The propagating Appropriate Focus. Snapping out of It at times also.

This week's events, however, cannot be categorized into any one of my known archives...has it to do with me being 21? But familiar habits are still retained, and old lifestyles stick on strong. So is it an irony that my frame of mind has progressed up the next rung? Where're the accompanying actions that seal and confirm? The change can be sensed.

The need is fiercely personal; it's the Cause- the kernel of all motivations. So much so that it's not a motivation anymore.

Redang; Arts Camp; Bangkok. Play; work; study. Friends- Old and New.
THE COMPANION FOR LIFE, AND BEYOND.
Open and unbridled. Cocksure and driven.

Where's my faith now? Lost or hidden. Streaks and hints of it in certain places. Let it soar again, with no compromise this time! I will be in Bangkok from 1055am on Sat 080706 to 2130 on Wed 120706. More meetups after that- this week's have been too rushed. PHOTO TIME IS EVERYDAY. Money- my downfall? Pack now!

What's my next bubble? Down with chronology!!

2006-07-04T07:03:00.000+08:00

"Fight kill, fight kill, fight kill..."
Repeat that and say it twenty times quicker and more hostile. Hehe....

The frame of mind is not at all a mentality. It's the demarcation of where your imagination takes you. Expand that horizon; and you need not worry another day about having a positive or negative mindset.

Going with the flow means I need not exert any effort. And deliberately playing it cool and taking it slow needs much sweat sometimes. This is why the more I know the more I don't..

Friends of life are reliable pillars. Maturity takes you past all the warmth and fuzz of camaraderie and superficial attitudes- into depths and into substance.

I've learned that having a solar-powered disposition is magic only if it stays stable throughout every other facet and strata of life.

I'm allergic to cliches- you're not original and unique, you buzz off.

My motivations now stem from bubble-hopping...every bubble is another fantasy realm to look forward to.

Being dynamic and positive is NEVER about feeling happy about it.

Indulgences in consolation fishes out some undesirable moods but takes a long-term toll on reality-survival. Conversely, penitence is very unpalatable but we've got to take for granted that it mends and builds.

DISCLAIMER: ALL THE ENTRIES THIS PAST WEEK HAVE NO CHRONOLOGICAL VALUE. THEY SIMPLY REVOLVE AROUND ARBITRARY, SOMETIMES OVERDUE NOTIONS AND EXPRESSIONS OF THE SOUL.

My day of emergence was one of fatigue.

2006-07-03T03:03:00.000+08:00

Superman Returns was a magical experience.
Arts Camp was way too SPECIAL.
LOVIN' THEM FOR ALL THEY WERE, ALL THE SAME.

My birthday was way too bland.
My planning was a sucky lesson to stomach.
EVERYTHING WILL BE MADE UP FOR IN DUE TIME.

MY momentous occasion could not have been better situated- right smack immediately after my draining ordeal in NUS (not that I'm complaining about Arts Camp anyway..). The past, I figured, can always take on very different forms and soar to newer heights at a later time. No point dwelling on what could have been; when you have what to look forward to!

But not before I get all unhealthily delirious and dreamily active again. Missing out and messing up is only but normal.

The beauty in simplicity- of everything surrounding me....mellifluous.

Zoned out(...)- both now....and NOW.

2006-06-26T03:19:00.000+08:00

I dare to move now.

Today, astounding has been England; and stupendous its English Language.

Underprepared for what I had already undergone. This pseudo-timewarp went all out for a necessary timecapsule.

This was long overdue..

2006-06-24T05:20:00.000+08:00

The whole malaise was inexplicably not about anything fresh and up-to-date. The weathered and somewhat jaded fun; the energizing tactic in gaining the immersion from a detachment- effortless concentration and focus as a result; the realization that words always start to depreciate- not just any writings will suffice; the affiliating cat and much more. So I'm not going to make no bones about my winsome culminato.

Having to be proud of myself ties in snugly with an ideal and perfect big-picture perspective. This is my new mood- not afraid of anything and walking outside everything. It's now not going to be a compromise on all I personally hold dear. The forcing helps. The frame of mind and the many paths to make and take Theories kick in. My duty's in identifying those, and sticking. And to make my fading off a daily increasing affair.

Encapsulate.

2006-06-23T03:20:00.000+08:00

Describe; but it's not. 3. Sleeeppp. New Chapter? So special the next time? Don't wanna leave this break. Capture something in everything you receive- it doesn't need to link. And appreciate. We always make our day. No seh is a seh. Less cliques are better? Don't compare yourself with others' happening lives. Juggling is a mastery; the whole frame of mind dictates the mood. The Million-Paths-All-Flow Philosophy. Being too Present is sometimes bad- but you also become a victim of Absence otherwise. We cannot be desperate for Fun- only then will It come finding us. Incorporate work and play- but they are one and the same! Ideas that sell can get you places. The spirit must be engaged above all. Disappointments curry success. Describe; but it's not.

The trick is in not remembering.

2006-06-22T05:26:00.000+08:00

Many times the self has succumbed to going along with the flow of the herd.
I've broken outta that.

The ultimate portal; the rite of passage- cleared. Before my very own big day! -7inch. Will be kept in check with a quota.

NUS Arts Camp- fun is all generated in the mind; then duly translated into a plaguish influence.
Money can be conceived from nothing too- I need real drive. But it can't be a method as well.

Respect- the surest ingredient that keeps relationships flourishing. MI3's gonna happen again!
Living in suspicion; walking without regrets.

England is the reason for me staying tuned.

Irresponsibility overshadowed by some dogged positivity and efficient prioritization- -7inch Day must have changed me. I ain't like them all!!

The test was easy. It caught me at the right time- infected them, and got infected by the radiant beams from the relentless hedonist in all of us. Nothing/no one can, or dared oppose.

Create your own brand of fun. Your unique and infectious persona has a staying identity. Your outstanding and responsive approach to moving through new highs is the You that you're finding.

Coming up is The Day(...).

2006-06-20T02:00:00.000+08:00

Mum's been heroic. Wow. Love such chats.
BV, BV, BV. Will it come true? Do I even want it bad enough?

Arts Camp- so excited and I can't wait. I feel so boyish all over again.
Tabooish thing presented itself, but underestimation will lead to destruction.

More open doors for me? Reforged bond. KS.
My style of blogging has taken on the pace of my life. Sorry.

The stale past.

2006-06-19T03:00:00.000+08:00

What I wanted was not this.

Lustcrush.
The spirit will not be fooled- it can still overtake all the dark wants.

And nothing's ever been borrowed...I've always seen the need to internalize unoriginals and check on their relevance before I mouth them out myself..

Nothing doing, seriously- if it's for nothing.
The key that finally showed up might have just opened doors with a seductive lush succulence beyond them.

So I'd hope the core shines to you.
Dreams and achievements substantiate Life.
Purpose and drive's the oxygen.

Is there any wonder why I keep wanting more now? One thing led to another. The then stacked tower sustained blows- funk aborted.

Down with Sunsilk.

Sorry I just cannot help me getting distracted.
The realization of the wondrous mechanism of Life itself is a much stronger anchor against storms; far better than learning lessons at how to tackle them. Sit back and enjoy the ride.
But I do have to learn from lessons in thorough planning.

It was wearing me out; so even turning the dial became cumbersome. But when the realization to be Present and to be Involved just clicked in me; I went into 'turn every idle thought and negative emotion into prayer and praise' mode.

I've got to dress sharper.
The sky's been rather tender on the the aesthetic fibres in me.

My lovely family- the ultimate fantasy getaway for me.

Whenever I wonder if God is any bigger than my weakest and sourest moments in Life, I look back on this night- the night that our spirits touched each other and a waterfall of power and purity came in abundance; clarity and control seemed boundless, and dimensions and doors we never once conceived before, we ventured into. Openness in confession.

But is it warped? That I can't resist anymore? That it's coming too easily? Balance lar.
I like to be auspicious in my datechoosing for none other than practical reasons...

So if it's gonna be tiring keeping myself up and keeping me myself, I'll just go take a break sometimes. Whatever was wrong with being in my PensiveUnlimited mode?

I could use all my obstacles as rungs to upwardly realizing my ultimate truth. It is such a different direction, now that I'm undertaking much more than I used to.

Because I'm not ashamed anymore. Thank God for revelations.
I'm no more that old dependent self, because I see the need to think that CanDo has a nice ring to it.

Shouldn't I stop thinking further than I should? Those insides of principles, and the squeezing of loopholes out from them...

The aura spreads. Michelle and band was wonderful on 2 fronts. So DadDay counts as something worth my remembrance. Feelgood days must have depth!

My idea of balance- warped?
And this greatness will soon see a swooping dip again. It's for sure.
And then I'll cope.

I soon knew why my old ways were so slow.

How do you get cornered in a round room?

2006-06-17T03:32:00.001+08:00

First you get yourself embarked on an ambitious route, taking charge of many things at once. You then get them done quick and well. You don't really know how and why, yet you go on all the same.

Watching the World Cup is soon gonna be within my reach- no matter what. Kudos to Soccernet thus far.
And another Malaysia eating roadtrip's gonna happen again- this time, with ME around instead.
Ah, my petulance.

Can't stop getting it outta my head...something's coming back to haunt.
Have I blindly psyched myself up?

People can see it. Some still can't.
Does hionging make sense in The Truman Show?

Health= correct amount and quality of food and sleep. I'm guilty.
Self= being everything that one can offer at any one time. I slouch.
My familiar habits are all slipping away now.
My ultimate compass has me losing sight of it.
Am I really all set for this course?

The onset of the reignited BSB craze and pertinent issues like level of connectivity.
The presage of being labelled the antagonist in a wide spectrum of scenarios.
The onslaught of all disillusionment in the fight for a retention of my true qualities.
The preemptive deterring of the child-like attitude and power I have lately exuded.
I've been demanded of Acceptance in larger quantities and in broader varieties.

All in all, my my....
I've never ever missed out on premature deliveries or overdue postmortems.
But more often than not I'm just coming close to falling short and fooling myself.

The responsibility of commitment and the capability to manage- are but mere hurdles;
My high jumps and pole vaults have yet to make their grand appearances.

I can never cling onto and depend on things that are tangible and visible.
And even to choose among all things not seen or heard of, I have to be selective.

My limits are demarcated by whatever my focus is directed at.
SO GOD...

I will help You get myself over my myopic and needy cries; I will choose to be lured by You out of my irrational and prodigal revelries; may You and I reason through my warped and mismanaged tendencies; and may You collaborate with the me that has been making poisoned and awry choices.

Help me revolutionalize all I've ever stood for and align them to ME, for YOU.
I can't say I have been uncomfortable at all by asking these things; but my perception and resolve is that nothing works between a living, breathing duo- if only one does all the work.

And so/but I maintain,
"How could I ever run away from the place where I have once tasted the good fruit?"

My concern is that you get that concern(...).

Groovy sleaze.

2006-06-16T05:12:00.000+08:00

No means no, why do I always por?

To insure them or not? A new thought via little+quick consideration, stemming from a needless worry; or a lifetime mission? An impulsive one on a major one here.

The kinky and the salacious. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS.
A. Definitely an A on this one.

The frame of mind issue again. I'm going to make it a habit to condition myself into causing AppropriateFocus to be like second nature to me.

The bumpingintos again. Are all these pointing to a cocksure albeit obscure prognostic portent? A prophecy taking some concrete shape finally?

"Hold on, how am I feeling?" Now that's a stunner man. My values and beliefs, and all my theories and concepts... They represent nil authenticity when I've to always come to using, "come on, for the sake of this discussion.." because the essence of Man which should transcend and surpass all realms of experiential input and internal processing mechanisms-

is what it is and should stay unshielded from all the discerning and perceiving and dissecting and evaluating- and be left as lone and defenceless.

Then it'll find in itself strength. Then it will emanate with a distinct flavour. Then it shall inundate the atmosphere and cause a stirring.

That aura; that uniqueness of a child. That oneness that sets it apart. That recipe for influence. The kernel of success.

It appears the new chapter has opened in more ways than one today.

Adversaries who care?

2006-06-15T01:55:00.000+08:00

Hates: the reachinghomefeeling and the movieendedfeeling.

The curse of the new pioneers have nothing to do with me. Now...
But does shopping empower one?

Suddenly, meeting(...) so many at a time. Forgetting some shouldn't matter much. Bumped into these and those. Sheikh, Kumar, Phyllis.

My frame of mind is that nothing sticks as a consistent standard...whatever works; anything goes. For preferential matters only la.

And I don't want more unnecessary chapters opened.
So, whatever thrives on the inside can take an eternity to shift and change, in spite of whatever's sown from the outside.

Same company. But new paradigm.
I mean some business here.

Niche, have you found me? Stand my ground- but later.
But really, whosoever's standing on yours is either yourself or I.

The formless ground is the safety of the hovering wonder.
The existential individuality is the heart and home of the flaccid and defunct effigy.

Is this an enslaved need or a liberated desire?

Re-presented. 18 now pisses me off.

2006-06-13T09:49:00.000+08:00

Heralding the longest ever post.

Whatever happened to our shared sense of impulsiveness? Those days of covert ops? The chronicles that seemed to be neverending? All jarringly jolted to a lapse. A fresh new leaf now.
(Can't rub too hard- it may come off, it has come off. Air-con water day..)

What's that momentary spark of inspiration and zeal called again? It's getting out of reach again now. The plummet took its rightful position once more in this cyclical humdrum pattern.
(Tightened by my wild nature- this ain't livin'..more outlandish styles!~)

Underwhere, everywhere.

"If you wanna be somebody,

if you wanna go somewhere,

You better wake up and pay attention."

Like I ever knew? Day becomes night, night becomes day.......

Part I: EMERGE, the harbinger.

The person that I could perfectly relate to, all of a sudden.... is the only friend I'd ever worship! And the very reality of it pierces deep like a homing missile to the depths of my spirit. My loving feeling, my hiding place. My intangible yet solid rock. I hold on to the unshakable in the incorporeal.

I meant it so much. The dynamism broke through my dam, into my very kernel. This was the power for the hour indeed. To clarafy was not to act on our own decisions anymore, I realized. My spirit tap was on and every promise was perceived as within my reach. Every moment, another reason. I could be too naive at that time. But the high-pitched finale motivated me further, in a very practical manner.

Then the first confession brought forth relief. A sharp swerve in course of events which was once comfortably acceptable for a very long time. At this point, my burden somewhat lifted and a great many birds were thought to have been killed with one stone, by this decision. I never wanted to defy nor betray. Had I been too nice that I suffered with a facade of enjoyment? "ONCE IN AWHILE, ONCE IN AWHILE" blocked out all the words and faces of concern, yes.

And so I thought, why get all hyperactive and passionate when it's all going down to sub-zero self reproach again in full circle? I've foregone genuine physical health- masked only by the musk of exorbitant indulgences and arousing vanities.

She's The Man was so sweet I'm gonna catch it again. I wanna wish it were like my life story, but if life stories were like but ONE LONE MOVIE I can't say and think much of its dimensions and depths... my prequels and sequels are far too resplendent and swashbuckling to comprehensibly chronicle onscreen....well, in a book perhaps.

Why the extensive contours in my life, at this period? Relentlessly albeit decisively rushing through each stage and strata has naturally become the trump card....

THE TRIUMPHANT FIRE FROM WITHOUT SHALL CONSUME THE DEFEATIST ONE FROM WITHIN. His clear rivers have transported the silt and grime away. But rivers will be rivers, and waves will come crashing back. But at the rock.....OR to the sand?

Dad's respectable quotes. Bro's unexpected calls. Mum's usual acts. Sis's beloved sincerity. Everyone's opened up and drawn in close with my impending crisis.

Part II: 3-DAY JIANARA CAPSTONE, the utmost crest.

An intense vortex.

A whirl of unfurling drama shot right through like a snowball with the destiny of a comet- the steady build-up ending as quickly as it began. What started as a laid-back day of secret fun with some good company broke forth to an ominous foreshadowing. Like the surefire prize of a pregnant lady- that nervous confidence.

Bulldozing its way past all rationale and logic was the substandard The Last Stand, an opportune guest appearance, the timely phonecall and the ruthless yet inexorable decision. I was itching to burst anyway. The palpitating pulse went berserk for hours. The layer of goodwill atop all the enmity and bitterness was rather discernible although I tried hard to suppress and dismiss it.

So the first night was thus concluded, full of hope buried by uncertainties; and an incredulous yet gratified look on my mouth- at all its work.

I didn't believe in bad love sufficing in the place of no love. Good quality love was the only plausible path. But I didn't come to take over. It was a magical beginning, and an enthralling ride thus far. My new chapter. And my need to maintain that Peace Policy- combining what the heart wants versus what the world deems right was like treading on a tightrope over the crashing Niagara. But I wanted to see it through.

The culmination in a three-pronged attack saw in itself the only happy ending out- one of three sacrifices had to be made by one of us.. I didn't rush it, I could follow; but she'd see a hiccup in priorities. I'd rather have her; but he could never swallow that reality. I could get myself extricated from this slimy muck; but lose one, or worse, two dear ones if my choices had warped reasons or if I had chosen to rely on the unthinking and unfeeling Self. The interdependent nature of us three had always been, and will always be.

All the love from me that hasn't shown itself strong (it hasn't just cos I can't feel it/can't show it- and seriously nothing else)....is really there. But because I'm not adeptly in touch with my emotional side, they'd all suffer. But crunchtimes would always show all my real intent. Selfish? The essence of true love was really TESTED then. Tearing is a responsibility. The desperate heart overflowed into salvaging words at the most crucial point, and at the end of the third day, not only was TTSH a familiar route, a genuine expressiveness of the truest nature shone through all the frost. And Real Change emerged through the thawing crevices.

Nothing was ever wrong in this; integrity and bigger hearts were just some necessary ingredients. Nothing that the world perceives about this soap opera will ever help it fathom the actual workings of the unconventional beauty of this spellbinding fruition from the inside out; so, only time will serve as the most correct litmus test. And although the road to inner healing and complete reconciliation will be an arduous and gruelling marathon, I believe we've seen the ugliest and most painful of it all? Seriously, I pray for a speedy recovery. Kudos to God; to the leaders; and to all who've advised before and are still advising.

God is good. We're all not intentionally evil, but sometimes we might still cause people to think otherwise. It's inevitable. But I'm going to prove all detractors wrong. May the unwavering power of love rebuild and invigorate! It's all going to be different now, and my (new)voicemail message has again turned obsolete. People already know; and time is ticking. The heart and mind CAN collide. The opportunist acts and he is right; for all he needs is to know what governs his frame of mind and what propels him ahead. But with stripping these away, he knows no bounds to his flight to happiness.

"Love isn't all about feeling like it."

-Bro Gabriel Teo, 070606, Suntec Delifrance

Whata ride.

Part III: BREAKAWAY AND SAVOUR, the prize.

Knowing that all that had passed me by had turned itself around for the better, I knew this getaway couldn't be more appropriately timed than immediately after the ordeal. I was thisclose to not going at all la; it was partially dependent on the outcome of the chain of events the day before. Me and my moods. And who better to go with than with two of my most hedonistic buddies, Shawn and Raymond! It kicked off with a rough start, and with an empty and angry stomach, and some disturbed and bumpy sleep, our patience wore thin. And. We. Thought. This. Would. Be. A. Wasted. Trip.

But that soon changed. What the resort lacked in decent amenities and variegated activities, was made up for by the amiable and genuine staff and the immaculate charm and polish of the sun, sand and sea. Beyond the shadow of a doubt, it was undeniably the ultimate epitome of artistry and pulchritude in the whole of Malaysia. The refined picturesque view of BLUE, BLUE and WHITE. Not even green nor beige! We then knew we had to make this worth our while.

And over the course of our three-day stay at the second best resort, Redang Beach Resort (next to the most popular and posh Laguna Redang Resort) on the best strip of beach (personal bias) of the whole island (hope you understand with the lousy grammar), we soared above the bare minimum of recreation the resort and island could offer, and generated our very own brand of entertainment and fun! World Cup '06 was on but none of us cared much for it...we were too tangled up in 400+ photos, the lovely air-con sand, frolicking in the sheer beauty of undersea scenery, lazing on the bed and unwinding in the sun, not caring for programmes and schedules at all....

And of course, the boozy beach parties at night with us three turning up the thrill and hysteria in the crowds WHEREVER we set foot on! Robert was the mascot rohahaha. And who could leave out that infamous girl hunt that made us overnight favourites there. Our shopping cart of emails! OUR FUN= we did not just take what was already given us; we created our own doors. Oh yes, unexpected openings presented themselves too!!~ And the moon had this halo encircling itself, twenty times its own diameterrrrrr.......how cool is thatttt. Ahhh, Koh Phangan.....

So we stuffed ourselves incessantly with Ramlys and horfuns, spent sufficiently to achieve wide grins, and finally departed with heavy bags and hearts. The mementos were cuts and a pseudo-sting; and the regret was for our dear Mermaid. Malaysian girls, we concluded, were really of a different breed compared to Singaporean girls. They are less materialistic, more down-to-earth, and more affable and genuine. Was glad that I left with some new friends made, heaps of things bought back, and a Redang immortalized in my memories. That is why I love cameras. And the Ringgit. I never felt like I was back home, even when I really was. I was clearly itching to travel again.

I won't keep bluffing myself- alienation has swept past; and will continue to advance. Self-denial is not the way to go. I will make this work with the OtherOne. My identity faces some kaleidoscope-therapy. But it has still retained its ever-consolidating form. Lastly, I have never come across an apter tune than this- one that captures the very heartbeat of the current phasic parameters I'm caught within:

"What do I have to do
To try to make you see
That this is who I am,
And it's all that I can be.

What do I have to do
To try to make you see,
Trying to be like you
Isn't good enough for me."

-Lifehouse- Good Enough

The end of my post is here and now. I didn't sleep at all. My low spirits now feel distant from me. But so does my joy. I'm tugged at the middle- purged clean, and dazed from my exertion at this masterpiece. Square one, here I come.

(NUS stay-in and BV auditions beckon. Thailand we want to conquer. Holing, what lies ahead for the future? My stepping up to the plane will move me along.)

The hiatus's up.

2006-06-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

I'm back.

The innocence's been tested.
Now get ready for a pumped-up me.

EMERGE.
THEN...THE CLIMACTIC SAGAAA.

AND NOW, REDANG.

Hear the voice....(mail).

Of boogers, boombox and booze.

2006-06-01T16:09:00.000+08:00

The impulsive side kicked in yesterday. Got loads of things done...outrageous also indeed. Crazy hair, crazy piercing. Felt so liberated man. But was....LATE!?! Felt so bad. First time meet then liddat already sigh.... But The Benchwarmers rocked my socks off man. EVERYBODY MUST WATCH IT!!!!~ Laughing till I was bursting. Ok Karen Mok. You like to twist and wipe huh.

And my absent-minded mind told myself I didn't really need to bring the TPJC Choir Concert ticket along. Reacted so calmly I was proud. But kudos to the gang. They thought up something ingenious....and RARE. Heh. 'Twas all hair-raising and spine-chilling. But in a good sense! Really. Resounding!!~ And So It Goes why not encoreeee. Henry you did great...AND you will continue to, this Saturday!

Then the Squeezy Throngs happened.. And my, my..was I utterly astounded by the luxurious layout and interior decor. Cross this beautiful piece of artwork with a more correct crowd and a more partying atmosphere and...voila! The wondrous finale to the eve... But I must, amidst all this fun I'm coping with, really take some time to stand back and observe: have I been a stronger and wiser guy?

The possibility of attempting to savour the fruits of irresponsibility and deviousness....thwarted by my need to be the good guy. The faggot's rebirth in the wake of outrageous styles? Or just an emancipation from all shackles of don'tdoits and youcan'ts? Wisecracking minds unite. Could have had a very different and probably a more blasting finale, and I'm talking about all three. But cos I'm living like I'm treading the thin line already, I don't wish to add any unnecessary baggage anymore. Ethics regarding the conduct in relationships; the image and reputation; and the moolahmanagement and stigmatic vices. What should govern these?

Finding out soon in church later. Hope I'll rediscover a staying passion to keep myself not as someone torn between good and bad; but as someone who has found his position and place in life..for good.

(What lazy rain. Nausea and giddiness I have found the cure! Celebrating it by moving smoovely. Weird teeth haha. But natural and comfortable somewhat. Disgustingly hilarious also, was the show. Halfway to family? How sweet. Skipped the trip to camp cos I'm so given to my moods. God save all prodigal sons.)

Maybe I'm listening now.....to it, to them.

Protege no more. Madcap taxi driver!

2006-05-31T01:29:00.000+08:00

I can't be all honest in this real world! Meanwhile, the monster of contention and discord has retrograded..I think he's fleeing.

I've a new plan. The main one. Contingency plans will shoot up as I move along. For one, stifled enjoyment can never be tolerated. Like today! Lack of planning cannot lead to indecisiveness and distractions; it must always point toward spontaneity and efficiency in impulsiveness! 've been rushing alot to complete pre-planned errands these couple of days, and that means the touch is slipping away! The family police has also clamped down, hard and vicious. Bleak future; but a timely end?

It's come full circle on the outside- so, has the fun grown bland and predictable on the inside? Developments and weathering on the individual and corporate levels have made for the staleness. And so a rising inner urge to present the remedy- to return to the youthful wonder of the innocent and the genuine; when nothing else mattered except for being intoxicated in real thrills... And this time, reverting to how it was like before is welcoming that old wave. This current wave ain't doin' us no good, cos the old one was like a world of a difference. Life- it's all about waves. Pursuing that one wave like the one we had before- but even BETTER than it.

On with the new plan. I will take on the role of the idealist zealot, striving pragmatically and energetically toward an all-rounded end product, whereby everyone's well-being will be catered to. This pseudo-perfect(that's the best) scenario will only materialize if I start taking a resolute albeit responsible approach to handling this. With both a purpose and the end perpetually sparkling inside a clear mind, swift decisiveness will be the fuel; and diplomatic and constructive negotiations will be the vehicle upon which the loving and passionate desire for cleaning up my mess rests comfortably. It must be professionally executed with an open and accomodating attitude. This way, no one will leave without at least gaining something of value; and the outcome will be all about the focus on quality; and an avoidance, if not a lessening of the damaging impact.

My ardent dream. "Dreams keep people on the move; not what they've achieved." Maybe I'm just high on life la.

My lunatic move to make a switch to an outrageous streak in image. The hedonism and its controversial beguiling indulgences...ahhh!! My old ways of neglecting that much needed time to rest. Sigh, this idolized addiction.... The mementos: a freezing corsage and a purple chop. Got hei1hei1 and pang4pang4, yay!! New era arriving= new game and new rules! Passion must be cultivated naturally, not like something cranked up. The momentous twin Thursdays- 1/6 and 8/6. PAYDAYYYY!!

I wanna extrapolate this lovin' feelin' to everything else around me. And although I love it that they are concerned, none can see it like we see it; except the rare neutral ones. My ambivalence will be my doom, but this and that- they're all not sicknesses...they're unique and distingushing marks! I must wake up at that time on that Over The Hedge Day. Later...

My randomness is my catharsis. You borrow, I borrow.....

I worship this...I think.

2006-05-30T00:11:00.000+08:00

27/5- The jubilant glee I've both released and received from family and friends alike; the emotive welling up stemming from an absolute love and pride (with noble and expressive gestures included); the scrumptious goodness of heart candies: unbridled camaraderie reintroduced/reforged, and the immaculate indulgences in the ceremonies, the delicacies, having the vocals publicized and ferrying men and goodies; the mastery of self-amazement from the uncovered treasures of vigilance, efficiency, proactivity, witty hilarity, affability and confidence. Eye-openers simply went ballistic and worked like magic on the droopy eyelids- throughout the whole of this Glorious Pride Day! And it just felt like a year's worth of ecstatic bliss. Time spent at the astounding suite simply blew me away with the blatant and unescapable truth. My conviction was reignited.

28/5- The guilt of missing out on service as a result, on this day. And the quick and constant readjustment of my outlook swipes that devil out of sight. And culinary delights came lavishing down the gullet like a desert waterlogged- and croaking for a cessation! This ECP Bakerzin Day/Purple Chalet Day was one where lazing and strolling around relaxably was crossed with tensions arising amongst drivers galore. But I love such reunions though! And SI's just mad. The first few signs of cracking up exhibited themselves as a confirmation to me, although there was closure. And I also really couldn't care less so swept aside they went, cos wooziness was King.

29/5- The realization set in even further... Steps were taken, and the desire was still searing hot on the inside. Spoke the word and voila! Pri/Sec/36- I bumped into them all. This Over The Hedge Day was made up of a motley lineup...strange gathering. And funny it was! Now I've got a couple to go to catch up on now.... And I should really organize an expedition to rescue mah Elephant. But organize=> $$$. GETTING IT~!!!!! The plans for the days to come...the covert operations and the intensifying fear of Armageddon and its correlated repercussions...a mounting phobic paranoia of coverblowers popping out of nowhere on the streets, lurking at any corner, anytime...today's lethargy and fruitlessness blended in with the common burden of juggling pressing issues and appointments altogether...the fear morphing stealthily into a defensive motivation to steer out of the darkness asap. Cut the funk for awhile please, it's all adding up in my head like a ticking bomb! Sigh. It's culminating into something hard to handle; but it's something I'd do that I'd never ever regret. No backing out now. Cold turkey again.....

BUT. After the glistening apex had been conquered, and I'd tasted the sickening sweeeeetness of it all (which really just went by in the blink of an eye, but still nevertheless left a permanent impression on me); I figured there'd be a steep dip sometime soon. Not one which'd cause me to break, but still a dip.

Here it is: caught between the devil and the deep blue sea..
1) to tear at each other is gonna be inexorably imminent, for the new threshold (it was rather makeshift in fact) had been encroached upon again- my openness had bred apt catalysts;

2) to freely express with no holds barred, and to fight together against all the opposing odds to emerge as the proof to silence all, once and for all (tied to the abovementioned too);

3) to cope with and be atop all my material circumstances (which coincides with my dire need to quickly gain a bigger clarity and some quality direction as one self-sufficient adult, borne from my unique identity and core essence- both gradually being rediscovered);

4) to put an end to all faltering and hesitation- one life to live: I gotta do myself proud;

5) to regain and maintain a healthy balance: at the end of each ambitious day, I need solace and strength from the One who must be the closest to me (my wars I do not fight by myself no more);

6) miscellaneous goals and targets- both my vocals and physique need shaping up; hedonism and slogging out CAN coexist. This- is the very heartbeat of perfecting the art of Balance. Shawn's like, ditto.

3 days left. But it's really like any other ordinary day. And I'm shedding my cocoon only then. The epochal grandeur of setting off on my reenchanced path in Life on such a principal occasion simply makes for my own catharsis. But it doesn't just need to feel good. Cos I won't be all unscrupulous, see.

(Mariah Carey and Bee Gees- what's in common between these 2? And whoa whoa, now that's a big clue. Hoooooo~)

Never been prouder and more elated.

2006-05-29T02:45:00.000+08:00

Capturing everything is so tedious. Wish I had his fervour- in all that I do, wherever I go! What a contagious personality and spirited drive he has man.

And the days have just been blaring Euphoric Stupor so overwhelmingly into my face that I'm losing track of all the cares and fears of my life as a result.

Now everyone wants to drive.

2006-05-27T13:05:00.000+08:00

"If you understand everything what else is there to do?"
"People know what you mean can already."

The prevalent mood is still downcast, as the weather mimics. But I chose. And I arose.
The faux radiance fooled everyone, for what really lay beneath was one of unspeakable sleep deprivation. Even now, and I still don't wanna.

No regrets, but one just creeped up on me this morning after the ceremony. My criteria's hard to meet huh(...).
Proud moments from the joyous celebration this morn....if not for the woozy dreamy feel I had it'd be more glorious.

The mad rush to doll up; the wacky traditional love test with the saboteurs and the poor victim; and again the lunatic dash against time for the service; the solemnisation; the unfamiliar hymns; the vows; and the posing and snapping away. All of it whizzed past- like the sacredness was still waiting to be savoured.

My recklessness is getting appalling though.

Later...more duties coming up. Nothing can be more satisfying than impromptu programmes and offhanded coordination falling snugly into place!
I am lovin' it!!

"It's coming soon, it's coming soon.."

2006-05-27T02:49:00.000+08:00

I guess I need to just swoosh back into perspective again and be all moderate and selfless once more. CG invoked this. And so did His voice too, prior to CG and amidst all my pensive exasperation.

The house had just undergone another wave of tidying and cleaning up. This is it. The day itself. No ugliness will be entertained.

I can really foresee Armageddon that's gonna ensue on two fronts. The scandalous and the (ostensibly)unchanging.

And I just can't help but be constantly reminded by every little pricking stimulus around me, like a scalding brand seared over and over again upon my chest, of the aching urge to escape from this bed of roses I've been getting comfy cooped up in, cos I've realised it's freakin' detrimental and also cos I've never seen it like this before. Something just helped suck out the dust in my head and the fog from my vision.

I'm so afraid I can't get up in time for the heavy grandeur of it all. Can't screw this up. Oooh. Someone's gonna get up soon, so bye. I can't suppress this delirium though. Neckache arhhh.

And check this out, peeps: the only way I can be read like a book is when you can come real close to operating at my style....which encompasses my every thought and deed... so actuary- you're on par on more aspects, you're luckier.

Been bumping into couples- with my friends in them...what gives? Been bumping into friends who live for the thrill of scandals; and who publicise private acts...whhaa? Why worry sia. Et tu? Over The Hedge's coming soon and the bridging regime is initiated.

AND CAN THE WHOLE WORLD STOP TALKING ABOUT X-MEN 3 ALREADY? I'M GONNA WATCH IT OK SO STOP SPOILING ITTTTT LAAA...GRRR.

"Your bittergourd came out.."

2006-05-26T16:12:00.000+08:00

That was a throwback to my cantankerous and volatile state yesterday. It stood latent and obscure but I was really angsty and incendiary- anytime set to violently blow in fulmination at anyone/anything like the conflagration from a backdraft.

In the process I became much tinier than myself, and a startling letdown toward some who could never know me. I'm really sorry! I should never have been that lesser being that I was. But I know I was being perfectly normal nevertheless.

Fortunately the demons were more or less quelled by my deliberate isolation from the triggers and the stimuli. And I went through a deep slumber of 13 hours in hopes that my desperate soul would, from all the frenzied melancholy, find peace and solace.

It is so hard to gain what I truly need with the short-term method I've always used, especially now that I've awoken to the real solution. I am truly determined to break forth into hardline independence!! A dogged conviction of grand proportions and beautiful dimensions.

My unwavering belief has been put to the test one time too many, and the circumstances happening around me, from time immemorial, have turned from blaring and wailing, to whimpering and grieving, and back so.....NOW IS THE TIME. HERE IS THE PLACE.

Indulgences vs. necessities; wants vs. needs; hedonism vs. plain ol' work. Being lethargic and aloof was the only correct response as registered from my limited bank of emotions- they sure conquered my every thought and deed today. But my pride's cooking up a storm.

They say, "Army is the great equaliser."That time has passed. Along with it went innocence and taking for granted. Since no one can help, I'll take matters into my own hands. Gotta remove myself from the muck. Stay strong, stay real. And this higher law of love and the laws of friendship just keeps playing in my head......

I'm being unnatural here. But I've got heaps of endeavours and dreams for countless things in my life. The build-up has culminated here and can no longer falter. All in the space of one day. All in the wake of recent groundbreaking events and my jarring realizations. Goodbye, my youth. Welcome aboard, my destiny.

I didn't even need to try, that I'm scaring myself silly. Part of me still regrettably wants all that comfortable reliance and provision; another shrieks incredulously for a revolutionary step- up and forward: to generously and capably provide for others that comfort and reliance. This epiphany could not have arrived had I not duly undergone this time of needy helplessness.

I have sat too long by myself pitying him, that without knowing I have picked up and left without him.

MA2 FAN2... and I'm atrophying!

2006-05-25T17:22:00.000+08:00

The floodgates of hell opened. The consuming surge of negative emotions came charging like a thrusting barrage of indiscriminate magnitude and relentless force.

Yet I'm practising this: still hanging on amidst the entropy, dangling ever so precariously over the precipice of destitution. The dawn is coming soon; the help is arriving.

I can't believe there are still thefts going on. How ominous.

2006-05-25T15:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday.
Fruitless trip. Islandwide recklessness.
I notice how picky and exacting I can actually be.

Living off others sucks.... but DUMBO please come!! This is one of the many stern and incessant reminders of who I'm always gonna stay as...unless I focus on some REAL balance. I can never have 2 primary aims. I've been hanging on for what's going down. The novelty has to wear off.

I can't not feel like this. It's a compulsory phase....so heck the cranking up a good attitude.
I'm forgetting, and learning, and going full circle again. Ever so quickly.

Today.
How lovely. A chance that dropped from above..reminiscent of all my uncanny and random bumping-intos before... a homage to all who've crossed by me and stayed on strong till now.

Pondering over some new opinions. VERY VERY VERY disturbing. Thrown me entirely into disarray. And now I'm in this subdued and forlorn state. It's really a monthly thing. Getting squirmish and feeling inadequate. Don't blame me if I bite back. The solution's been mistaken.

And I knew he would win. It's a predictable pattern, seriously. I've gotta reassess that aim.
The stressss..JUST TWO MORE DAYS. My mood's taking over though..

Sian ji puah!!~ I'm slow to jealousy.

2006-05-24T03:49:00.000+08:00

It seems I'm always having three meals a day, regardless of the time I awake. Fats, I bind you. ALL OF YOU.

And so today was another case of ''Thought I Could But I Didn't....Once Again''.

Only some wild concoctions that I came up with happened. They got consumed, and stayed till now. Much longer than I expected! Didn't even need the popiah and the oluak, seriously. See I keep saying that.

Honestly(hehe), I think I need to reassess my very own dos and don'ts of what makes an honorable and virtuous Blade-half of the Blade-Chalice union I'm having now.. The need for the integrity and respect always gets overridden by my practices and habits of the old self. It's strange when I'm having a Clearance A all by meself here....WHY FEAR?!? What happened to the bliss and the passion and the optimism?

And the sleepy day (supposedly a break from all the insane fun) resulted in some called off appointments (2); and housework that I originally set out to do was never done.

I also came up with a nice remedy for someone's sorrow as soon as I got wind of it yesterday. And in the process, started delving into issues that only have pertinence to real adults. See, I'm using that word adult as though it's miles out of my reach. Because while it intrigues, it also intimidates. I don't wanna be that, though I can't exactly change the reality of A-Month-And-A-Week-Remaining!

And then I acted on impulse and used my precious voucher to yes, splurge again. Thought it'd be one of those spontaneous gatherings where everyone absolutely loved each other's company and enjoyed themselves to the max. Did some hasty planning myself which beefed up my ego. But I did something else too. By inviting their wet blanket, everyone's mood went plummeting down. The overall atmosphere was thick with stiffness. Unnatural. Fixated scorn on that one antagonist. Or was it two, myself inclusive.

Sigh... With the cash having flown off and the returns nowhere near worthilysatisfactory, how could I ever forgive myself? Appreciate the lesson learnt, says That Voice Within. I'm soooo sorry for soooo many things!!!!~ And I might just be sorry for a few more if I don't turn in now...
It's true. I am that metamorphosized man. But I'm still training....ain't missin' no train. What're we gonna do when you're gone??~

And yes, it's official. My moolah's up. And the hunt is finally on.

Pack and clean. Up la~!!

Now I'm feelin' it(...)

2006-05-23T03:20:00.000+08:00

A conversation went on just now between the voice within, AND myself. Cut it out midway, but whatever exchange I had had internally I'd like to consider a marked advance ahead in terms of introspection.. Because it captured the very heartbeat of who I have always been- I have always been rather veiled from a clear revelation of myself. And the coolest part was that this uncanny discourse took place during the most mundane of activities, under the most casual mannerism imaginable. Laid-back and informal, yet upfront and in my face.
Something broke through after that.

The urge to get real wild sorta came alive for a one fleeting second when I started to recall those moments that have passed by, worthy of all remembrance and adoration.

An understanding heart breaks me down, to utter humility and gratitude. And a speechless, spellbound expression of my love. Cut the funk... I need depth and breadth.

Losing my hunger- the most abhorred feeling, ever. At this very point in time, my faithful devotion to these Chronicles here seems more like a senseless, trivial want of my soul. A sickness. Every living person has that one thing; or a couple of things in our lives we hold dear, and are immaculately joined with. Be it a close person, an attitude, a job, an inanimate object, a habit, an activity, a belief, a desire. That one thing usually stems from a corresponding void in that person's world; a particular lack in any single aspect which then fuels him toward filling up those blanks.

The therapy of music...ahhh. The Da Vinci Code is really worth watching twice. Henderson and Lavender added to the shopping cart now!!

Thank God for tagboards, they keep blogs interactive thus making it a somewhat living, breathing being.

Felt luan. CESSAtion la.

2006-05-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

Why??? And I thought nothing could stand in the way of a rising tide set for the heavens?!?
This is the test. Really.

Once again, I couldn't really put a finger on what it stemmed from. Flooding influx of a smudgy blur mass of some external burdens and an inner strife.

Yet I succumbed to what I never thought would ever again intrude into my list of avenues of release.

I am sorry it had to transpire again. And the other issue of dissension. I AM SORRY SO COME BACK TO ME!! YOU ESPECIALLY.

Where do I go from here. Do you know where you're going to?

(Singapore Idol split my sides. But something cloudy has shrouded my judgement. Consensual efforts are underway. This debate could last till five. MONEY, PLEASE LAR. Spare me this once.)

I just realised I won't be going back to camp until the very last day...and it feels overwhelmingly..woah!

2006-05-21T02:52:00.000+08:00

The cold-calling ordeal. The brave cooks. The wonderful bus-stop. The transferring of data is now done. The double blow, and the picking of myself up. The cancelled appointments today. The wonderment of having to share your life, at home. The paradigm shift in my take on relating to the divine. The silliness of flippantly discarding cash; and missing a considerable portion of a work of entertainment. The idolizing of Buakaw and Donnie Yen. The end of relaxing is the beginning of work.

But work itself can always still incorporate some improvised fun!

And since this is the very time; the only time we'd really have as young adults to lose ourselves entirely in the pleasures of our carefree days (or what remains of it), why not take it past the capped ceiling and explode through all thresholds? These transition periods sandwiched between the important stations of life- school, army, work.. all make for maximum enjoying... But none of such long lull periods in all my history on earth can really match up to the level of Wild I'm going through right now!!~ So it IS worthwhile, duh. Afterwhich, I'll slide back into some mundane seclusion and have that dignified conduct once more.

I received my letter of acceptance already. THANK GOD. I still wanta appeal to SMU though hehe. Why did Elliott have to follow in Arsenal's footsteps? Sobbed.

Whenever one gets drunk, his senses get impaired and all else that poses as a direct opposite to what his stupor stands for gets bulldozed aside as pointless and unworthy to be considered. The very reason why every one person is unwavering in at least one or two of their values on any issue of life: emotional, spiritual, social or intellectual etc, goes to show that everyone is in one way or another....intoxicated. Obdurate and myopic. Unclear and uncertain. Proud and shut up. Drunk in their own right. In their own playground.

Something so promising, yet so fragile. Fear of loss?
Someone just flicked the switch. Not the other one though.

You can't just want it to last.
We don't take chances anymore.

We construct them.

(Irritated by some horrific struggles. You're just space. My plastic adversary.)

Hanor- cool word. Sorry, no link!

2006-05-18T17:39:00.000+08:00

Crackin' up, heatin' up, breakin' down.
Nauseous, spinnin', weak and tired.

But the fun never ends! The asscrack, the plaster, and the wart haha.
Off to meet mah clients again. I'm on a schedule, you know.

The process of faith does not always favour a 10-men team.

2006-05-18T04:56:00.000+08:00

My shattered hopes. The British side conceded...sobs!! But I'd smile. Woebegone... But that grit in me....

But SA beat RJ- what a glorious moment!! Alas, I wasn't there to share in the party and joy though.... Grrr.

Awoke to nightfall, but not before I slept at daybreak. A fourteen-hour marathon of R&R which made me ignore all cries from the real world. The phone, the stomach and the toilet beckoned. But me and my single-minded drive was directed at one thing only....ZzZzz's.

And regrettably also, I missed that jubilant victory my alma mater had against RJ. So I sigh for that. Not to mention, the aches(...) don't seem to stop. It contributed partly to my sianness yesterday and the dreaminess today. And no packing was done....I'm already feeling that troubling rush of nerves- tension and excitement and all the urgent preparation for The Union. And the influx of all the imperative reponsibilities of my adulthood are pelting down, in its wake. Didn't call them up too...and I've got more calls to make now!

BUT..
I'm starting to develop an affinity toward that confident and composed outlook on all the externalities around me, which I'm psychosomatically administering to myself....ahh. So the title hence speaks of a lesson, or lessons for that matter, that're as wholly practical and secular as they are spiritual!

The Shes. Please no wars. Man's stages of growth and each's characteristic behavioural stereotypes. My adolescence for instance.
For relationships- I'm envisioning a beautiful journey. And I'm truly sorry for the American Idol incident!! I'll welcome all that hurls itself toward me- With Open Arms. (And I didn't know Clive Davis was such an iconic legend.)

But can I reenact, over the results show later today, how everything was like when I was rooting so much for the underdog just over 3 hours ago? My passionate devotion; my hope and my faith; my resolute support; my confidence in the outcome- EVERYTHING?? I don't wanna allow doors for any doubt to enter, ever again, even at midway. So even if I don't get what I want in the end, I want to keep the pluck alive. For my future perusal. That's why I need You.

Photographs keep the memories alive!! So to me, solely having images in the human mind is really just plain artificial. They're softer than any soft copies of photos, and are rather simulated and counterfeit substitutes. Memories defeat the purpose of tangible and present-tense visual materials.
Okay I'm exaggerating- memories can sometimes seep through the nooks and crannies of what photos fail to capture- emotions, thoughts and experiences.
But it's just that I can't wait to receive that hardware containing all the soft copies....that have actually chronicled all the moments of this past month's FUN.

The 10th...OH REALLY??

2006-05-17T01:14:00.000+08:00

Privileges've stripped..and weird dreams've been streaming in nightly! Joseph I need ya.

Was I really meant to be in all of these? Gotta get out of the well already. J-O-Bs NOWW.

B's still lost its kick man.

It was bummer in camp today. The familiar and expected rigidity and inefficiency sigh. WON'T EVER BE COMING BACK EXCEPT ON INDEPENDENCE DAY. But at least there's a tad more room up in the head now...and I think my Humanapproval Quotient needs to see a steep dip....what- it's still all the rage leh. Different feel now, partly cos of the imminent parting of ways. And the grandeur of all that liberation jazz...just daunting. And never ever mix Katong Laksa with Chicken Rice. A few days ago, up above. Now, it's down below?!? Charcoal pills yea yea yea..

WALKED LIKE HELL. Have squandered more than just material objects. But earned truckloads more of profits in invisible treasures!! Never want it to end... Ahhhh.. Have just been all dissociative and unnatural and tired...AND WEIRD? Maybe. But really, deciding to be put through some discomfort might just work for the good for my much needed identity hunt. I'm striking at this chance not knowing completely why. But it also really just fell into my lap. So I'm the gal here huh. Wave hi to the novelty of it all. My eyes will continually shift....so help me.

This is so true. So much power is embodied in our Eyes that we're usually fenced up by all that we see...and nothing beyond. That which our visual range doesn't reach just don't register at all as acceptable or possible.
KUDOS TO BLEACH LA.
So look for newer chances now. But don't just look..or even hear, smell or feel them. Be. Don't merely Do. A step up the rung in receptivity and perception. Don't be slaves to your desires!

And so, I've clean forgotten how it'd actually been like to stay at home for an entire day. That shall just be the plan then.

Am I too cool or what. And has ALL just simply been transferred toward that single entity?

Seen a new world. Now I'm no more of the then.

2006-05-15T23:43:00.000+08:00

Aching body man. But there was laughter and fun. And there were legendary delicacies.

Rather unsure in the heart man. But there was evasiveness. And there were OBmarkers.

Other people had their own Clearance B too? Cool. I'm slipping away again into compromise. I'm truly sorry for what had, and will soon transpire from me. But, no regrets for those of the then...BUT my standards may just be really needing some revision. Paradigms must see some radical overhauls- I'm predominantly caught up in hedonism!! Meantime, my patience has been thickening up. All thanks to an impending bliss that the world can't believe will happen.
The time will come to stand tall. To stand for all we believe in..

This May had been more than just a blast!! Recapping everything in full detail sucks the beauty outta it so I'm not gonna. And a couple more signatures will mark the signature separation from all slavery- AND the birth of another tantalizing phase. Come June, I'll be all ready for raising the bar of all that Fun's made of. What to do, NUS/SMU won't allow for such crazily lasting moments as these. Never ever. HELLEH? Faggot; and discipline, anyone? And I think it's really gone! Not that though. On the decline, but not in its entirety.

(I don't take to abrupt demolitions, no I don't Moo!! And boy(senberry), were there restrictions tiptoeing by us these days! HOSTILE man. The newer and more flaming thrills can now satisfy what the milder ones can't even dream of tickling. Scary is that, yes. When can life enjoy me? Am I really soaring? Still impaired and rebellious...but no one can know Who really is, Why can't it and How to. And I then smirk even more. Cos there's always more than just questions that stump us everyday. Good to know.)

A mix-up- no G nor J left!! MAMA DUI WO HEN HAO.

2006-05-14T23:07:00.000+08:00

Cold, churning, throbbing, groggy, weak.
First time in a long time.... Seriously wild and uninhibited!!! Handled all those memorable ones. Not at all ugly if you ask me...how could I even judge?
More training(...) urgently needed. Not gonna be impaired no more. Thresholds stretched. Wants revisited; needs overlooked...morals still intact yes.

Snapping back to reality, I GAVE like mad today.
BUT I felt the fulfilling sense of peace.
More to give away; more will be replenished! Much more to keep to myself- addressing certain poisonous issues takes more than just plain self-control. Fatigue I can't settle for you. Thorny.

Have I sorted out what really makes up my truest essence? Glimpses of it found- kudos to the weekend devotionals and Mr. Big Personality onstage!!
And I might soon be embroiled in a theological battle of gargantuan proportions. Hold me back, someone.

Missing the good ol' Blitz days. Yes, rare as it may be, an explicit reference to someone, something.....at last!! Haa...enjoying the precious, simple and carefree moments of hanging out with 'em.

Close ones motivated me today; they also caused awkwardness. Can't be explicit here though heh. Nothing to hide....but soon to be only.

Jobs don't find me I know; BUT money please chase me. Houses now??!!~ Whata far leap ahead.
Phasic fad la. GK enthralls; and derides! The art of not knowing must kick in.

Gonna get lifted up in higher dimensions of worship and prayer- I'm glad because I'm always absorbing; I'm thankful because I don't actually have to be in control.

This could be forever...tired, but there are others who're worse off! Love pours outta me unconventionally. And that's its trouble. But thwart this thinking of mine please, all the time. All my days.

[Music from Narnia is an acquired taste; BURN BURN BURN(...)!! I have to take up particular shields to further my cause in staying true to my mantra- EVERYTHING IN BALANCE. You can't dig these up, sorry. Clearance A again?!! Heroes are found all the time- in healthy friends. Fear is indeed the need to control! =) to Henry. Force into existence some discipline la..slow.]

These ones. I'm mad again. The card la.

2006-05-13T02:13:00.000+08:00

Those shes. Why.
Those things...how did it...?
You...where?
Waste sia.
Pile on more trivialities to exacerbate the frenzy.

Between the angel's and the devil's way of release today, the angel's came in the end. Wanted to appease the devil's but it all came a wee bit late. So I went ahead with the angel's.

Whoa. Saw it. Flung once again into a fretworthy state of mind. Albeit more or less on a one-way ticket.

Worn out..NO2, NO2.... CAMARADERIE forged; tolerance received and given. Was it all a convincing masquerade or some faux authenticity? Either way it was a massive blockage in me trying to behave AND interact in a completely natural way- in the wake of a chaotic PMS-ey yesterday and night. Can't put a finger on what actually triggered off everything. A subtle and stealthy snowball of emotions? I don't know. No la I do. Do I?

Stay atop. I'm emerging from within, enjoyed it while it lasted though...enjoyed suffering?!!

Thank you for the promises You made today, that brought me back into moderation...blew up the vocals, and then not just any kind of shallow inspiration!! The angel's way helped. But I'm negligent toward the most valuable things I come across in this life. Blew the vocals, really.

And....what an end too.

So to the devil's (again) tomorrow. Today I mean.

(Compensation!! Stress!! Was it really cut off? Big day's coming. My life's plans are also hanging. Cough. )

Good enough?

2006-05-12T03:09:00.000+08:00

The toxic substances thrive.
But I never felt so alive.

The closest can't get within.
The distant wringed me inside out.

The unexpected one got banished.
The sanity clamoured for release but remained.

Closed. Emotionless. Euphoric. Indiscriminate.
Think again. Feel so much more.

Tables turned for help. Lies uncovered- in cessation.
Duo of hearts stopped all time. Wrongs just seemed right.

I can't take it in.
I need a congruent frequency in level of thinking.

I'm wide awake.
Yet every breath has been enslaved.

Every hair on my body- shrouded in confusion.
Yet it's nothing worth getting drowned in.

It couldn't be any more beautiful.
Heaping on vulnerability.

How can I say it?
Illusions in lethargy.

(Every word- piercing reflections of me navigating at the crossroads.
I've got clarity..you just can't handle it.)

Transference(......) maybe? Reason the dead..whoa hands(......)!

2006-05-11T02:38:00.000+08:00

I want to understand people more.

I have found some new meaning in all of this.

I am drowning, yet I'm enjoying every moment of it.

I need to stop taking it ALL for granted.

I should go now.

I can't be tardy anymore.

THE VERY LAST PAY DAY???

2006-05-10T00:51:00.000+08:00

I'm losing control and restraint.
I keep losing sight of the Realthings.

ALL OVER AGAIN.

(Except in concupiscence, for today. Monumental? Soppily reminiscent and enchantingly sentimental.)

Is this characteristic of all those distinguished days of special remembrance?
Because the power is not mine, I'm just gonna let it fly.

Wasted pie. Focus!!

2006-05-09T19:00:00.000+08:00

Thankful that it happened;
Sorry it had to end.
Dogged to show some effort;
Awakened- to set the right trends.

Toppled the old limits,
Gobbled the mighty darkness.
Taken to some extremes-
Life's eased into my harness.

Saved too much for now;
Left with far too scanty.
Hurled oneself to pleasures,
Forgone the Life aplenty.

Stealth is of great allure,
Potent is the Force.
Be shrouded not, my mind;
Be wary of the cost.

Hedonism.

2006-05-09T02:28:00.000+08:00

Passion mixed with insanity mixed with sponteneity mixed with deprivation mixed with persistence.

The itch.

The relief.

The hunger.

The quencher.

Never to wane.

(Ill. Clearance A now. Treading the line. Hehe..)

I can't care. I really don't, too.

2006-05-08T12:56:00.000+08:00

Started with me oversleeping.

Ended with me the tired joker.

Stuff it.

P.A.P.!!! SO???

2006-05-07T01:48:00.000+08:00

I'm juggling so many emotions and issues at once I'm dropping all of them all over the place. FOUR windows!! Of extremely diversified natures.

Can't crank up any excitement now, that elation just plummetted rather abruptly.
Mah soul was especially erratic this day...the squeeze!! Treat rocked.

So did NUS and the family. The hype's faded though.
Getting caught up now in a tangled web of strife with the dreary descent of daybreak.

Not gonna do a no-go?
"Cos that would mean pangseh."

What triggered some introspection.
"What uniquely distinguishes you as a person?"

Updates will come, yes they will. Tomorrow.

Ahhhh..the eye and the throat- hedonism some more?

Latest kick? Covert ops.....
AND.....
"You faggot la you."

Smarting Marche. I'm emerging, as changed as ever.

2006-05-05T00:39:00.000+08:00

Onward: the road to freedom.....

To regained identity;

To carefree lives;

To fresh starts;

To new experiences;

To clarity reincarnated.

(This week's events- on a raincheck. I'll explain the deficiency in the number of posts here.)

I wanna stay.....or stay away.....

2006-05-04T04:03:00.000+08:00

The Throbbing Dull.

Release confounded, seeping through the ethers.

Throw at me more void-fillers..

DISCLAIMER: INDIVIDUAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

2006-04-30T14:31:00.000+08:00

Will there be more questions?
ANGLES. Welcome; resist.

Certain things keep happening for me.
DESERVED? Height?

New stresses.
LOOK IN. From you.

Sian to commit.
PASSION. Acquired taste.

We'll never know the ugliness behind them.
CONSCIENCE IS? Only act.

TAINTED IMPARTATION, TAKE OVER ME NOW.

INTERTWINE WITH ME, MY EGO.

AND DRIFT INTO ANOTHER STATE OF MIND.

Crazy bunch.

2006-04-30T03:51:00.000+08:00

Whata Good Friday. The carefree beach fun. The passionate pan-night..to be SORELY MISSED.

I'm not gonna give up my soul just as yet though; but people who are missing out on what real love is all about have to seriously reassess their fanaticism over their own current idols.

AND...

The end of myself speaks for itself. Supernatural wooziness kicks in. Got to break out of some form of miry comfort. Plus I've got to reconstruct my entire value system with regards to my relational skills..keeping it uniquely Me at the same time. I can't get glad without much of the right company around me.

The grace distracts me from striving towards goals on my very own. An over-reliance on sheer convenience and welfare will soon reach a break-even point with that of independence and self-sufficiency. Resolute!!

Distancing by cold turkey should be the way to go with much objectivity folded into the mixture. The close bond(age) poses as a deterrent though. Christmas Saga, here we go.... AGAIN. Now, behold a new trio. Beware the old pitfalls.

I GOT IN?
Mercy, MA!
Giving will pay off? It did and shall continue to.

Full.
Thank You.
Balance up again!

Leave me in stitches...and shackles.

2006-04-28T10:29:00.000+08:00

I just find it so hard to exist outside of all my demon desires.

Peel!
To seek!

It's so hard to give. But I know I'm late again.
Meaning to say today may, or may not last- it's up to me.
The novelty of it all....so very beguiling, for this once...again. Whata fag!!

And that sacar continues....

Tide me over!!

2006-04-27T00:41:00.000+08:00

"Keeping adult" has been of utmost importance to me now. It will be, from now, a warning beacon for myself.

Celebrations and urgent events coming up and I can't just stay put. Keep adult!! Gotta swing back to high gear again man. Family and friends, here I come.

So as I give and give, then what about me? Am I really a nice person? Whatever that has really benefited my friends and close ones through my own comfortable efforts....another person might just come by and sweep me off my paradigm cushion, my quantifiable yardstick of how much it takes to be giving all one's got for their friends and close ones!! Reminder: BALANCE is always the cornerstone of any kind of success.

Meaning to say, there's no real measuring standard, in any one relationship, to each individual's definition of their way of expressing their love in its most unbridled and magical element; in its most pure and potent form. Love is never a competition. Reciprocal love should never be. To each his own style of displaying acts of unconditional love in sacrificial and untainted fervour. It's intrinsically unique, varied and mystical. The heart overflows into the corresponding word and deed.

And Elliott Yamin performed oh so charmingly.

The novelty is starting to thicken up. In areas it used to wear thin before. Not to mention concupiscence creeping up, compulsive indulgences hard to kick etc..

I'm out. That's okay. I've been torn down all the time and have grown accustomed to rising above it- this time I'm not necessarily pricked substantially cos I didn't expect much out of it anyway. Poignantly pragmatic. Aim high, shoot low.

Told it all, whoops? Club. Booze. Phasic fad that's all.

And so, the incoherent storge has to be realigned. But I'm of sloth!!~

(Stay smooth in all I do. Girl magnet. Cost of living not to be blamed; wealth alone ain't gonna feed the soul. Bonding brings joy through clarity. Cashflow stays hopefully manageable. Surface skimming with a will lost to the wind. Bites. Make. Me. Remember. Lazy to sleep?! Sickeningly neutral.)